Just wondering what happens next

I haven't blogged in a while.  Tonight may not be the best time to write something that I am going to post and make public for everyone to see.  I'm feeling extremely vulnerable and confused and overwhelmed and a million other emotions and just hope that if I can somehow get one or two of those down on here maybe something will click and make sense.  I really don't even know what the problem is or what is bringing on the surge of emotions honestly.  I will say that I have reached 162 pounds.  So that's good.  I'm doing great and feeling better about myself.  Maybe that's part of my problem.  I'm not sure what I am going to do if there ever comes a time when  I can't justifiably hate my body.  Sure I'll always have stretch marks and extra skin, but I can't hate that.  Those are just the marks that make me a real person.  The fat is leaving.  Supposedly that is what I have always hated so much.  What do I do when I can't hate me anymore but I still do?  How am I supposed to look at myself everyday and know that I can't fix anything else but I still hate the person I am looking at.  I know it's more than that.  I know at this point it's something inside of me that needs to be fixed and I am attempting to fix what I see on the outside to get around the more complicated issue, but how do I get over that?  What is wrong with me?  I just feel so lost and lonely and confused and isolated and out of place. No matter where I go or who I am with I just feel different.  I have so much I want to say to friends and family but I don't feel like they wont to listen to me so I just shut off.  I don't feel important to anyone and I don't want to burden anyone with my stupid issues. Only to me they aren't stupid.  It's real.  And that's what no one seems to get or care about.  Or maybe I just think no one cares and in reality everyone really does but I wont accept it because I don't believe I can actually be cared about because I don't give a shit about myself.  Anyway...I know this is really shallow and stupid and I have done a great job of saying a whole hell of a lot of nothing other than I am lonely.  Really really lonely.  This may all be a direct result of a weekend without Maddie.  In fact I am sure it is.  As soon as my little monkey comes back I will be better and will continue to just get on with my dumb little insignificant issues.  Cause I know one thing...Maddie loves me.  To Maddie I am the most important person in the whole. hell I AM that baby girls world.  Ok.....well...nope, not fixed. Still feel like I am being torn in a million different directions all at once.  I think I may have to start over.  Not in my blog, in my life. Where do I begin?

being brave here folks

ok...I took these and have to post them! Not because I think I look good, but because I look NORMAL!  Well except for my creepy looking face. I wasn't trying to look sexy I was just trying to look at the picture as it was taking and that's my concentrating expression.  Give me a break, these were taken on my computer. haha  Well here we go!

I still hate my stomach with a passtion and refuse to take one of it, although I guess it's showing in the mirror.  Eek!  Anyway, from the back and sides it's not as glaringly disgusting as it is head on!

I know I'm a slacker

I go through serious bi-polar issues when it comes to this blog.  I'm either way in to it or just say screw it for days at a time! Usually when I'm not blogging it's because I'm slacking off and not being healthy but not this time! I'm actually stuck with it for a good length of time now! The whole healthy thing I mean, obviously not blogging.....

ANYWAY....

Since I signed up for the medically supervised weight loss thingy I have done really well!  I started at 171 and am now down to 166! 5 pounds in just over 2 weeks of good with me! I've been keeping my calorie count under 1200 a day and that seems to be the magic number for me.  Oh, I cancelled my weight watchers subscription, again.  I just wasn't using it and when I did use it it wasn't anything new that I didn't already know so I just figured hell I'll save $20 a month and use what the program taught me for free! So while I will forever credit WW for the majority oy my weight loss I just don't need it anymore!  I've still got some work to do as far as learning to love working out again.  That's my problem area at the moment.  Eating healthy and less isn't too bad, but when I get home, I just want to enjoy maddie or clean or waste time on facebook or daydream about you know who ;) anything but workout!  I'm making myself head to yoga here in about 20 minutes and hoping that rekindles my love for it because I do miss it and the way it made me feel.  So  here's a sample of what I've been eating cause I don't really feel like posting my menu

breakfast: protein smoothie made with milk and a banana
lunch: oatmeal with raisins and walnuts
dinner: veggies, a whole grain 4 oz of lean protein

dinner varies,  last week I cooked a box of brown rice, some quinoa, steamed a bag of veggies and thawed a few different types of meat and I have just been mixing it together in whatever combination sounds good at the time!  Tonight I had brown rice with veggies that I cooked in a pan with a little bit of terryaki sauce then grilled a piece of tilapia ad put ginger and garlic seasoning.  Very tasty and quick!

I realized that after over a year of losing weight and trying to come to terms with my body that I may have a skewed version of how I look.  I came to this realization through the help of a very loving and supportive person and because I realized today that I am very close to my original goal weight.  I'm not sure if I will ever really like what I see in the mirror but I am trying.  This kinda scares me, because then what will I gripe about?  I decided my next issue to tackle is my debt.  So IF the day ever comes when I look in the mirror and think Wow she's hot....this will be a financial blog. HA!

On that note I did download an app that helps see the big picture when it comes to credit card debt and I realized this- if I don't charge another dime, it will take me no less than 2.5 years to pay off my debt.  I know that's not bad compared to some people, but still it's a little overwhelming because I know I am not ready to not charge stuff yet.  I can afford to pay for everything I NEED on a cash basis, but that's the problem.  I never stick to just what I need. Who does??  I've developed a new addiction to living social and have got to control it.  I'm going to be setting goals and limits for myself in that arena vry soon.  I'm thinkin make a budget, make it cash only so if I don't have the cash I don't use it, and ATTEMPT to think of the future. I want to own a house and would love to by the time I am 30, maybe 32 and that aint happenin at my current rate of spending.  I've already taken my credit cards OUT of my wallet which is a step in the right direction. While I know that's not enough this is big for me and every little step gets me closer.  Anyway, I will get into this topic more later. For now I'll keep this about weight loss!

Maybe I'll post a more recent picture of my slowly becoming hotty body ;)

fasting= inevitable binge

I fasted for 24 hours, nothing but water and a few sips of black coffee.  I has some blood work done and it was required, not like it was for weight loss purposes.  Anyway, I knew when I was done with my appointment I would go a little crazy and I did not dissapoint.  The people at the doctors office even joked that most people head right out the door and to the nearest drive thru and start the plan the next day, so I guess that got rid of some my guilt. Anyway before I get to what happend at the doctor I will just spill the horor story of the binge.  First stop- Krispy Kreme.  Purchase- 6 donuts (I ate 1, the rest are for maddie) next stop- Dairy Queen. Purchase- mushroom swiss burger with fries and a sprite.  Ate the entire thing in 5 minutes I think.  Last stop- Zaxby's. Purchase-w brownie batter milkskake (drank maybe half of it then wanted to vomit) Finally at church I had a handful of goldfish with the kids.  Here comes the true confession- I threw up when I got home. Not sure if it was a combination of the side effects they mentioned I may experience from the B-12 shots or the huge mass of grease and sugar and just overall nastiness sitting in my stomach but it all came up. And no, before anyone wonders or thinks it I did NOT force it.  I had a huge surge of nausea and now I feel better.  I feel extremely energized. Thanks to the B-12 shot I am assuming.  I get a shot once a week for the next month and if I always feel this way they may have just made them selves a lifetime customer. Not sure if it will help with my weight loss of not cause of what the doctor/nutritionist/whatever he was said. But I sure feel good.  Anyway here is what he said- that based on what I eat now (or usually, I admitted to going through binge periods and fast food addictions and such) that I probably will just get a little boost but wont see the huge weight loss that most of his clients experience.  I guess that's a good thing.  I'm not obese I guess.  Although my BMI was measured to be 27.5 which still puts me FIRMLY in the overweight category so I am very much justified in wanting to lose more weight.  He said I could probably lose 20 pounds but that he doesn't recommend I get below 150.  SOOO I guess I may have to adjust some goals and stuff! The office visit was nice.  Just him and his person who gives shots- not sure what she is- she was nice, but had to poke me twice to draw blood which sucked! I was weighed, had my BMI checked blood drawn, jabbed with the shot then had a 30 minute talk with the doc about a weight loss/exercise plan that would work for me.  And the shitty part- it's exactly what I do now.  he was asking me for tips and recipes.  Geez.  Anyway it was fun and I'm excited about seeing some results or at least feeling them!

Meal plan for tomorrow:
Breakfast: english muffin, egg cheese, ham, fruit
Snack: fruit, yogurt
Lunch: chicken breast, tortilla, veggies
snack: carrot sticks
dinner: chicken breast, chick peas, mixed veggies, couscous

exercise: c25K week 2 day 3

I have a meal plan that they gave me- not with food but with categories (such as breakfast 1 protein, one starch, one fruit, one dairy, etc....) and I will probably use that as a guide to balance the healthy stuff out but essentially its what I've already been doing for a year (on and off ) now.  Either way, I am excited again maybe this is the final boost I need to get down to a size I will be happy with!

20 days till the pool opens!!

I have 20 days to get presentable!!  Yikes!  Damn it why did I put this off for so long?!  Grrr!!!  I guess I don't HAVE to run to the pool the second it opens. I could keep working on things till they are right then go....but in that case I would never make it!  I know there is probably no way I will ever be happy with my body. That makes me sad really.  I have just never been happy with it and I think in order to ever fully accept yourself you have to have at least liked yourself at some point in your life.  Now maybe I am totally wrong and when I get to where I want to be I will love what I see, doubt it, but I will see.

Yesterday was good at least. Here's what I ate/my workout

Breakfast: english muffin, egg, canadian bacon, swiss cheese (7pts)
Snack: Banana (0 pts)
Lunch: brown rice with sauteed shrimp, green beans and mandarin oranges (7 pts)
Snack: 12 almonds (2 pts)
Dinner: Brown rice with bell peppers, mushrooms, black beans and a fried egg (8 pts)
Snack: Cottage cheese and mandarin orange slices (2 pts)

Week 2 day 1 of C25K

So far today is starting off well.  I actually got out of bed after only one smack of the snooze button which is unusual for me lately.  I had time to take a shower, eat breakfast, drink coffee and sit here and type up this long boring blog post!  I used to love getting up early enough to actually have a relaxing morning but here lately I just can't seem to drag myself out of bed and I end up having to rush myself and Maddie. I'm still planning on letting her sleep as late as possible though! I am happy that I once again proved myself right though,  once I got back to healthier eating and working out my energy levels are up and I am feeling much better.  This weekend was a different story, but what the heck!  It was a weekend and I wasn't home so I just enjoyed myself! I wont go into to all the gory details but I will say there were biscuits and gravy and s'mores involved. :)  It was worth it!

I do have a little confession- and maybe I mentioned this is an older post but I don't remember.  I have an appointment tomorrow with a doctor for some kind of weight loss/energy check treatment thingy.  I got it on living social and bought it and after some research think it may be good for me considering my recent energy drop!  I'm pretty excited about it!  They do a weight loss plan of sorts and run tests to see if everything is ok and you get 4 visits to follow up on everything. No pills or anything like that so it's safe.  My appointment is at 5:00 tomorrow and I can't eat a thing past 5:00 tonight though!  So tomorrow may be pretty scary!  I don't do hungry very well!!!

A Perfect Day!

Well by standards at least!  I didn't cheat, not once!  Not even on my workout!  Woohoo!! It feels good to start getting back into a healthy routine.  I feel more focused and guided, like I have a purpose almost.  I don't want to just sit and do nothing I want to get up and go and be active and move!  I want to figure out what I will eat the rest of the week and when I will get my workouts in!  I knew I still had it in me!  Apparently several months of being healthy can set a lifestyle, I was just backtracking a little but I never completely lost focus and now I think I am back.  Yes I know this is jumping the gun a bit but I remember now how it felt before and I love it now that I am getting it back!  The fact that the pool opens Mays 1st doesn't hurt either..... So here's the breakdown for the day

Breakfast: English muffin with egg, cheese and canadian bacon, cantaloupe ( 7 pts)
Lunch: 2 corn tortillas with scrambled eggs, black beans, and salsa, cantaloupe ( 7 pts)
Dinner: Fish, brown rice pan fried in a tsp of olive oil with mixed veggies, and egg and some soy sauce ( 8 pts)
Snack: CLIF energy bar (3 pts)
Total for the day: 25
Activity: C25K Week 1 Day 3

I have 3 pts left for the day but I doubt I use them.  I'll probably have some fruit in a little bit and maybe some cottage cheese with it since I have the points to use.  Tomorrow is weigh in day!  Hoping to be at 170 still.  I think last friday I was 170 then I weighed myself monday and was 172. I haven't weighed myself all week so I am hoping tomorrow will be a good surprise.  If not no harm done, I know I am doing what is best for me. I can tell in my energy level and overall attitude improvement so even if the scale doesn't move I'll be ok!

Ok time to finish cleaning....keeping my fingers crossed that I don't have an urge to binge.  Those things sneak up on me when my motivation is at it's highest usually!

Good morning!

Ok one of the things I told myself I would do is actually be honest on this thing and not hide my slip ups! So I'm already at a confession!  Yesterday I was great till  Igot off work!  My friend and I both had kinda a rough day at work so we decided to head to the mall for some retail therapy....well on our way out the dang mexican restaurant and BAR just looked so appealing! So we popped in for a quick margarita and of course you have to eat chips and salsa!  Then since I had to be at work at 6:30 and did leave the restaurant till 6:20 I stopped at Mcdonalds and had a double cheeseburger and fries. :(  It's ok.  I still only went over on my points by about 10 which still keeps me under my weekly total.  That's what I love about weight watchers!  Oh I didn't do any activity either. Just the walking around the mall. Ha!  It was my day off from that anyway so no big deal.

So here is the plan for today:
Breakfast- english muffin with canadian bacon, egg and low fat swiss cheese and cantaloupe
Lunch- scrambled eggs with black beans and salsa in a corn tortilla
dinner- rice, veggies and fish

Until I get my butt to the grocery store eggs are going to be a common theme!

Tonights activity- Week one day 3 of C25K

Have a great day, I know I will!

desire to sleep + getting a cranky 2 year old ready = screw the morning meal plan

I knew this.....I just have to start getting up a little earlier.  Anyway, I ended up eating a package of oatmeal that I keep in my desk for morning such as this so no harm done! I'm still well within my points for the day! Lunch was good- I made a ham cheese and spinach quesadilla! 6 points total and very filling! Dinner is supposed to be a healthy quicky version of fried rice with some leftover veggies, brown rice, a couple eggs and some soy sauce.  I may grill some fish to go with it too.  I think today I will skip the running as I just did 2 days in a row and you are supposed to space the workouts.  I will just stick with some weights and maybe do a quick yoga session before heading to church.  I think if I force myself to blog, no matter how dull this is, daily, I should be able to hold myself accountable.  I think I'm due for a grocery trip too.  I will start making daily grocery lists and posting those as well.  My budget is usually right around $20 a week for food so I have to get creative.  Working in the food stamp office has taught me just how resourceful I really am..... Gotta love Aldi!

It feels good to start over

from my lack of posts and the negative tone of what few I did post I'm sure anyone who reads this has been able to tell the truth...that I haven't been doing a darn thing lately!  I started over though.  Went back to what I was doing when I first started this journey a little over a year ago.  And I must say it feels GREAT!  I've gone back to eating lots of fruits and veggies, brown rice, lean meats and drinking lots of water.  I've re started the C25K programs and even though I am just on day 2 I already see and feel a difference in my energy levels.  The past month or more I just sit around and do nothing once maddie goes to bed and before she goes to bed too for that matter.  Now with this beautiful weather we've been having Maddie and I spend our entire evening outside chasing ducks and playing in the sand!  I've also finally figured out what I think will work as a workout schedule.  If I change at work then drive home and go to the gym in my apartment complex before I go pick up Maddie I can do it.  No one is in there, I have plenty of time do to the 30 minute run and I can run home and change before I go pick her up.  I will probably do this for a while then start adding yoga and other aerobics classes back in.  I love yoga and really miss it.  I still do it at home but its not the same as a class where I actually feel a little pushed to do better.  I've also started making meal plans again and for the most part sticking with them.  Oh besides the lack of eating right or physical exercise I also have another confession...I'm become obsessed with loving social.  Being that I have now bought at least 8 deals and only used like 3 of them I have lots left. I've decided to use these pre-purchased deals as my new rewards!  Now granted it doesn't quite have the same effect since I've already bought them....it will be nice and good motivator to actually have an incentive to use them! They do expire so I will have to stick with it!  I would still use them anway, but still...maybe I can trick myself!  Ok...I guess I will go make the plans and then post them on here like I used to.  Here's what's coming: Meal plan, exercise plan and rewards chart!  Yay!!!  I'm hoping this time I can keep the motivation up.  The pool opens in less than a month and this fat body is not about to sit out there looking like this when I know I have the ability to look amazing!

Time to come clean

Ok, enough of this bullshit. I've been awful lately.  I re-read some of my posts about how I would never go back to how I was before and that is apparently true to an extent, but not completely.  The past few weeks, hell months I have ben almost as bad as I was a year ago when I started this.  I haven't been to the gym or done any type of physical activity in months.  I eat whatever I want and sit on my fat ass wondering why I feel like shit.  I was blaming by poor health on my new habits but who am I kidding...my new habits are causing my poor health.  Damn I hate that I know that.  I remember how I felt when I Started last february now.  Like I could never get started cause I was too damn tired all the time. I remember dragging my ass to the gym and dreading every second of it. I remember feeling so hungry all the time because my body was craving all the fattening sugary crap I was used to and when I put healthy stuff in it it didn't know what to do.  But I also remember how AMAZING it felt after a few weeks of being healthy.  Going to the gym felt wonderful and putting only healthy food in my body brought me so much happiness!  I remember that just as clearly as the hell it took to get me there.  I guess what I'm saying it I'm about to put myself back through hell. I miss feeling good and healthy and alive.  I feel the exact opposite right now.  Not only battling exteme fatigue, nausea and headaches, I have indigestion a lot, I'm irritable, my brain feels fuzzy and I don't always make much sense (which I'm sure if anyone has actually read this far can clearly see) I feel like I'm back in a depression that I don't want to be in.  I know it's going to be tough getting back into the gym and a healthy eating routine, but I have something now that I didn't have the first time. Now I know how great I will feel when I just do it, I know it's worth every second and I have go to do it!

Deep breath and moving on.

God I love that I am capable of doing this now.  Sometimes life is just plain silly.  I used to really let it get to me. I still do sometimes.  Not today.  I know sometimes it seems problems are overwhelming and things will never get better. But hell they will.  No one died, no one was hurt. No one is in prison.  Nothing is wrong. just a little sadness and I'm over it. I'm done over analyzing everything, whatever happens happens.   I realize this makes no sense to anyone, but it makes me feel better to write it! Yay for being in control of my emotions! :)

It's not easy

being crazy. Seriously. One minute I'm moping around bored and sad, the next I'm happy as can be.  Whatever. Anyway, I think hanging out with some cool kids at church tonight made me a little happier.  Kids always seem to do that, they are just so cheerful no matter what! There was one little girl tonight who was just as bossy as all get out, if an adult had said the kind of stuff to me that she was saying to the other little girls I would have slapped them!  But the little girls all just giggled and went on....anyway it was cute. Not sure where I was going with that. Except maybe I need to stop looking at the negative of everything. When someone says something, or doesn't say something, that I think they should or shouldn't say I need to just let it go.  Most people probably don't mean to be the little shits that they come across as anyway. And if they are intentionally that way then I shouldn't let them get to me cause they are insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Anyway, I'm weird, whatever.  Oh, back to healthy stuff since that's what this blog is about.  I ended up grilling some chicken breast stips (not breaded or anything) and mixing it with some pasta, olives, capers and parmesan. It was good and fast and I did feel better when I chose that over fast good. I guess it's baby steps from here on out.  Now I am sitting here at home alone at 8:00 with nothing to do (except the mountain of laundry in Maddie's room) and I just want to eat!  Wish me luck! I don't know that an orange is gonna cut it! haha!

Oh....whatever had be down from the previous post has passed I guess.  Who knows what it was.  I think not having maddie around when she goes to her dad's makes me lonely or something.  I know people care about me and all that.  It's always a tough day on her first day gone.  By sunday I miss her like crazy but I am enjoying my little bit of free time too!  I dont really remember what I wrote before, that may not even be relevant. Hmm.....my mind is scattered tonight. :)

I feel it coming

I feel a major backslide coming.  I don't know what to do about it.  I just don't care anymore.  I eat healthy during the AM hours then night comes and I just want to eat.  I don't know if it's depression or boredom or if I just genuinely don't give a shit anymore.  I don't workout anymore and feel awful because of it.  It makes me feel wonderful to go I just don't care enough to get to the gym.  I do some yoga in the morning but really just stretching more than anything I can't even really call it yoga anymore. Sometimes I just feel so over it because who am I trying to impress?  No one really looks at me anymore.  I don't seem to care enough about my appearance to attempt to improve it.  Maddie loves me no matter what so who else is there? No one I guess. Maybe that's what is wrong with me.  I stopped caring about myself because no one else does.  Geez I sound depressed. Yuck.  I'm sitting at home on my lunch break feeling sorry for myself and it's a beautiful sunny day outside. What in the heck is my problem?  I need a slap in the face or on the butt or something. I hate feeling sorry for myself but I do right now damn it.  Maybe writing this will help? I'll check back in later tonight. Haha.

Greek Spaghetti

So I don't know if this is really greek....but it has feta cheese in it, and being the southern redneck girl that I am, if it has feta it's greek as far as I am concerned.

Ok, now that I have that our of the way....here's a new recipe!  Woohoo!  This one was GOOD!

2 oz whole grain spaghetti
olive oil
minced garlic
chopped black olives
artichoke hearts
capers
shrimp
feta

Heat olive oil, add everything and warm through put on top of the spaghetti then crumble the cheese on top!

Y'all know I don't measure this stuff out, I just used what I had and it was good!!

Yay endorphins!!

I have been in a HUGE funk lately!  Like pissy nasty leave me the hell alone I will eat whatever the heck I want funk!  Apparently the best way to lift that?  workout!  Who knew!  Well, I did, I've just been lazy!  So anyway I decided yesterday to get over it and get my ass to the gym and today I feel amazing!  By all acocunts I should be having a pretty normal day. Nothing especially exciting going on.  Just in training for the new job that starts monday, almost done with that.  Maddie was in her normal non morning person mood this morning and as far as my love life goes well we wont even get into that one!  Anyway, the only thing I can think of that is any different is the fact that I got my ass to the gym! I ran and got all nasty and sweaty and gross and feel AMAZING!  I could literally feel my self getting happier with each stomp of my foot on the stupid treadmill!  Now if I can get back into the habit of going every day again I can't even imagine how wonderful I would feel all the time!!  It's a stretch but I am think I am going to start attempting to go when i get off work before I pick maddie up. That will give me about 45 minutes, so not a full hour but that is better than nothing! I have said this before and went like 2 times before I gave up.  But I didn't feel this great after those times.  I just started an herbal cleanse yesterday, that may have something to do with my mood lift. who knows.  Maybe I am just realizing for the first time in several months that life isn't shitty? Anyway, just a brief post from work, back to doing what I'm supposed to be doing!

Sesame Ginger shrimp stir fry

Yay!  I finally cooked something tonight!  It was so good!  Maybe I can get back into this whole healthy living thing that has changed my life and all....a bit ambitious I know, but geez how hard can it be?  Anyway, tonight's dinner was simple and delicious!  I prepared some thin multi grain pasta and set it aside. In a skillet I heated some olive oil on high heat then added asparagus and shrimp and cooked it!  How easy is that?!  I seasoned it with ground ginger and some garlic powder and then threw in some sesame seeds and a little bit of terriyaki ginger stir fry sauce. Yay!  Maddie even liked it!

I also finally made it to the gym tonight.  I was only able to do 3 miles at a walk/jog pace, but it's better than the absolute NOTHING I have been doing I suppose!  I am trying to get my life back in order.  I have felt so just out of place lately. Nothing seems to really fit or make sense anymore and I have been letting my health slip as a result. Things are looking up though.  I feeling really happy for the first time in a while so maybe I can get my shit together. We'll see. my usual optimism seems to be waning at the moment and I am hoping it comes back in full force so I can be the positive beacon of hope so many of you 2 people that read this need!!  Love you all!

Yummy Salad!

Marinated pork chop cut into bite sized pieces, apple chunks, goat cheese and couscous all on arugula!  This was so good!  I need to get back into cooking and experimenting! I've never made anything bad!

Meal Post!

I remember what this thing is for now...weight loss stuff! Not whiney gripey complainey stuff!  Tonight's dinner is gonna be yummy!  I cooked some pork that I sliced into strips earlier in the week (to have on hand for easy meal) and I am gonna throw it on top of some arugula and spinach mixed with goat cheese and couscous!  I like all the ingredients separate so together I'm sure it will be tasty! If not, well I will pick it apart I guess! I'll post a picture later!  I was good today! First time in a while! Breakfast was a turkey sausage egg white and low fat cheese whole grain english muffin with some fruit. Lunch I had cherries, carrots, low fat yogurt and a turkey and swiss sandwich on whole grain bread. I also had a granola bar.  I will probably end up eating some kiwi or something before the night is over. I can do this shit!  Maybe I am back?? No...I AM back!  I just need to get back to the gym.  Grrrrr.....

still can't get going.

I keep waiting for something to snap back in place.  It's not happening.  Something is not right!  I want to think it's just the exhaustion I have felt lately and it's keeping me from working out and eating right but I know it's the stupid not working out and bad eating that is causing the exhaustion! I know this yet can't bring myself to do a dang thing about it.  I just feel like everything is so out of place lately and no matter what I try nothing puts it back together.  I sit down to blog nearly every night then nothing comes out so I am hoping maybe if I can just get back into this and get the words flowing then maybe the inspiration to lose weight...well to get healthy really...will come.  Waiting.....waiting.....nope, nothing. Crap.  I did make a meal plan this week, so maybe that will help.  I didn't stick with it though. Day one and I messed up.  I am having to work in a different office in a different city this week and I told myself I would bring my lunch so I wouldn't be tempted to eat out.  Well I did, but I am having to carpool to the office with friends and one didn't bring her lunch.  I didn't even consider just taking her to get something or letting her use my car. I just immediately decided screw my lunch I'm eating out.  When I was actually motivated and serious I wouldn't have done that.  Now I feel sick.  That's another thing. I have been sick a lot lately.  Linda scary sick.  Lots of nose bleeds and bloody mucous and sharp stabbing pains in my stomach and one migraine after another, always queasy feeling and ALWAYS exhausted! I just can't move half the time. I lay there on my floor and poor Maddie has actually came over and laid down next to me rubbing my head and telling me it will be ok.  So maybe I am sick. Who knows.  I think it's exhaustion and if I can get my butt back in gear things will be fine.  I'm just an emotional wreck! Blah!  Anyway, enough of that!  I looked over my new years resolutions and so far the only one I am coming even close to sticking to, is learning astrology!  I guess if I had to pick on it would be the most fun one to stick too!  I have a great book to study...thanks if you are reading this ;), and am at least enjoying that!  The whole paying off my debt thing...yeah NOT happening!  And the weight loss stuff, well again, not happening.  I've about decided I need to just drop everything and run away for a weekend.  Just get out and veg in a quiet hotel room somewhere.  I need to clear my head and get things right!  Lots to think about lately.  I think that's the main problem (I seem to think lots of things are the main problem) anyway, I really believe part of the problem is that I can't concentrate on the weight loss issues with so much other crap!  I started a nw job, have friends with issues I am trying to help them with, Maddie is going through a very long and bad terrible 2 spell at the moment and I am dealing with being sick and tired and not having any money!  Blah!  And I miss my dogs. :(  I want my coop and layla belle back. I think about then every day :(

Ok this didn't work, I still don't feel motivated and now I've just sat here and rambled and accomplished nothing

I have GOT to get back on track!!

The number on the scale tells me that much! Not just the number though, the way I feel is more an indicator of the fact that my recent lifestyle has been less than satisfactory lately.  I'm up about 1.5 pounds which isn't bad, but I have NO energy!  I just want to lay around and sleep all the dang time!  I'm also feeling super stressed out and just generally icky.  I have bee drinking plenty, not water, but plenty lately and I know that has a lot to do with it.  I love wine and have got to learn to limit my consumption! I have also been letting myself go as far as, well hell, any thing I freaking want!  I haven't been making meal plans and I have not been going to the gym.  I feel myself slipping and I need to get it back in control  I LOVE the way I feel when I look in the mirror and can admire what I see and I do not feel that lately! So I bit the bullet tonight and spent close to $200 on groceries and made a very tentative meal list.  I don't even have the energy for that right now.  Things seem to be spinning out of control. Not just with my diet but my personal life as well.  Issues with Maddie's daddy keep coming up and I can't get things under control. Work is crazy. I have a new position and until things get settled I just feel so lost. I am not being 100% in any aspect of my life right now.  I feel like I am not good enough for maddie on top of it all.  I know a lot has to do with my diet and lifestyle but something isn't clicking right now.  I need a change. I need to get away from everyone and everything and get my head clear.  Yeah I know, all cause I ate a few bites of ice cream right? Anyway, something is wrong. I will fix it. But till the I figure I will set some goals for myself to help get back on track. So here we go.
1) make and stick with a meal plan for one consecutive week (this always gets me back on track)
2) pack my gym clothes and bring to work so I wont find an excuse not to go
3) cook one new recipe (I think a big part of my funk is the fact that I have been so limited on my grocery budget that I haven't been cooking, just making stuff....if that makes sense)

I know this is a boring blog. Maybe goal 4 should be to blog more so I can be entertaining again!  I need to get my groove back. Yup I said it.  Yay me!

No pictures either, I'm nasty right now.  I need to get down to my next goal weight so I can get my cute little tattoo and post some pictures! Woohoo!

funny thing happened today...

So since I am used to being the fat girl this is usually how my shopping trips and visits to the dressing room go.....me standing in my dressing room trying to squeeze into the biggest size the store has. I overhear the skinny chicks in the room next to me bitching that  oooooh this size 6 is SO huge OMG I think I might need a 4 oh no this is just AWFUL my life is over...me- resorts to tears to tears and glares at my fat naked body in the mirror and storm out not buying a damn thing.  Anyway today....... me-  saleslady asks if everything is ok , I tell her I think I need a different size, this medium is too big can I try a small...girl in room next to me "did you just hear that,  she needs a small, must be nice"  AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!   I mean it sucks cause I know EXACTLY how that girl feels but still AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

So anyway, I bought the small. That's right. Granted it is from a store where even at my heaviest I could wear a large. Gotta love stores that run big!

I have been taking pictures of my meals and need to eventually post them and I will, just wanted to get that story out of my system before I forgot how glorious it felt! :)

Happy 2012! Time to get this started!

I'll start my blog the way I am supposed to just to get it out of the way.....Oh my God I can not believe it's already 2012! Where in the world did 2011 go???  Wow!


Ok enough of that.

I have been waiting to write till I felt some type of inspiration but it aint coming so I'm just gonna do my normal babbling rambling mess and have fun.

In all seriousness, 2011 was a heck of a year.  I started the year living in my ex boyfriends house with not a dime to my name, no job, no way of feeding my daughter, dealing with some serious depression issues.  I moved back in with my parents, drew unemployment and was 225 pounds.  I found what I thought was going to be an amazing job but I ended up getting passed over at the last minute which pushed me deeper into depression.  Instead of letting it get me down though, I decided to take charge.  I joined weight watchers.  I applied for EVERY job that I thought I was even remotely close to being qualified for, and I spent every unemployed second loving my sweet baby girl as much as I possibly could. In February I looked at myself in the mirror and just had no clue who was staring back at me.  I have always been heavy and have always had some depression issues, but the thing staring back me was unrecognizable.  She was a size 20, had no desire to dress, fix her hair, hell even shower or brush her teeth half the time.  She stood in the kitchen mindlessly shoving everything in her mouth that she could and rarely moved from the couch, unless it was to go to the computer.  Anyway, I was sick of her so I did something about it!

It was crazy how easy it was once I got my mind right.  Within about 2 months I had dropped 20 pounds and already felt like a new person! The decision to do it the right way, rather than follow previous trends of weight loss pills and fad diets takes the credit for that one.  Fueling your body with the right nutrients and giving it the movement it wants is amazingly simply and does amazing things...yes I know overuse of the word, hell who cares. It's my blog damn it.   Anyway, living with my parents made that easy....they bought the groceries so I could afford to make big healthy nutritious meals and loved doing it.

Then may came and I FINALLY got a job....not the dream job I wanted but it was a paycheck and allowed me to move back to NWA with my boyfriend at the time.  I moved back in and went to work and things settled down for a little bit.  I gradually stopped losing the weight though and started putting it back on.  I was beginning to feel unhappy and useless again.  I know now it was just that we aren't right for each other, but there are other posts about it so I wont go into it.

In October I decided I had had enough and left him.  Since I left in October I dropped another 15 pounds and have become so much happier it's almost sad. Sad because I wasted so much time being miserable and feeling useless.  Anyway, the finances have been rough and my eating hasn't been as good as it could be but I do fine.  I joined a gym, go semi regularly and overall my confidence levels have gone through the roof!  I didddd have to give away my dogs and if any of you know ho wI love my dogs you know how hard this is for me but it's for the better.  Anyway, I know this post is getting stupid at this point so I will just move on to my resolutions!

I don't usually like making these cause no one sticks to them but my resolution last year was to drop 50 pounds and since I dropped 56 I am thinking I can do this again! So here goes

1. Make my goal weight (150) and maintain it- 20 pounds.....20 FREAKING POUNDS!!!  AHHH!!!!!  This is entirely too exciting for me.  Last year the fact that I needed to lose 75 pounds seemed like a daunting impossible task, now here I am 20 little pounds from being exactly where I need to be!  I know the last 20 will be the hardest but I am ready to do it.  I have made this a lifestyle change so I know it will happen.

2.  Try a new clean eating lifestlye.  This one falls a little close to the fad diet realm but at the same time it's REALLY close to how I already eat as it is.  Lots of fruits, veggies, whole grains, beans, etc....I rarely buy processed foods. I know there is more to clean eating and have some research to do but I think I can at least give it a good try!  I am going to try to cut back on meat and dairy...not out just back. We'll see.

3.  I want to learn a new interesting subject- I chose astrology.  I love it and want to know everything there is so to know about it!  This one is just for fun..we all need a little fun!

4 Pay OFF credit card debt.  Self explanatory

5.  Go on a vacation.  Ok so not REALLY a resolution, but a goal to strive towards anyway...saving the money for it and actually taking the time off of work to do it will probably be harder than losing 20 pounds!

I think that's all I have for now.  2012 is gonna be great.  It started with a change in hair color (black almost) and a promotion at work. Woohoo!  More money.....SO # 4 and 5 should be a bit more attainable!  Wish me luck y'all!  Happy 2012!