Yummy Salad!

Marinated pork chop cut into bite sized pieces, apple chunks, goat cheese and couscous all on arugula!  This was so good!  I need to get back into cooking and experimenting! I've never made anything bad!

Meal Post!

I remember what this thing is for now...weight loss stuff! Not whiney gripey complainey stuff!  Tonight's dinner is gonna be yummy!  I cooked some pork that I sliced into strips earlier in the week (to have on hand for easy meal) and I am gonna throw it on top of some arugula and spinach mixed with goat cheese and couscous!  I like all the ingredients separate so together I'm sure it will be tasty! If not, well I will pick it apart I guess! I'll post a picture later!  I was good today! First time in a while! Breakfast was a turkey sausage egg white and low fat cheese whole grain english muffin with some fruit. Lunch I had cherries, carrots, low fat yogurt and a turkey and swiss sandwich on whole grain bread. I also had a granola bar.  I will probably end up eating some kiwi or something before the night is over. I can do this shit!  Maybe I am back?? No...I AM back!  I just need to get back to the gym.  Grrrrr.....

still can't get going.

I keep waiting for something to snap back in place.  It's not happening.  Something is not right!  I want to think it's just the exhaustion I have felt lately and it's keeping me from working out and eating right but I know it's the stupid not working out and bad eating that is causing the exhaustion! I know this yet can't bring myself to do a dang thing about it.  I just feel like everything is so out of place lately and no matter what I try nothing puts it back together.  I sit down to blog nearly every night then nothing comes out so I am hoping maybe if I can just get back into this and get the words flowing then maybe the inspiration to lose weight...well to get healthy really...will come.  Waiting.....waiting.....nope, nothing. Crap.  I did make a meal plan this week, so maybe that will help.  I didn't stick with it though. Day one and I messed up.  I am having to work in a different office in a different city this week and I told myself I would bring my lunch so I wouldn't be tempted to eat out.  Well I did, but I am having to carpool to the office with friends and one didn't bring her lunch.  I didn't even consider just taking her to get something or letting her use my car. I just immediately decided screw my lunch I'm eating out.  When I was actually motivated and serious I wouldn't have done that.  Now I feel sick.  That's another thing. I have been sick a lot lately.  Linda scary sick.  Lots of nose bleeds and bloody mucous and sharp stabbing pains in my stomach and one migraine after another, always queasy feeling and ALWAYS exhausted! I just can't move half the time. I lay there on my floor and poor Maddie has actually came over and laid down next to me rubbing my head and telling me it will be ok.  So maybe I am sick. Who knows.  I think it's exhaustion and if I can get my butt back in gear things will be fine.  I'm just an emotional wreck! Blah!  Anyway, enough of that!  I looked over my new years resolutions and so far the only one I am coming even close to sticking to, is learning astrology!  I guess if I had to pick on it would be the most fun one to stick too!  I have a great book to study...thanks if you are reading this ;), and am at least enjoying that!  The whole paying off my debt thing...yeah NOT happening!  And the weight loss stuff, well again, not happening.  I've about decided I need to just drop everything and run away for a weekend.  Just get out and veg in a quiet hotel room somewhere.  I need to clear my head and get things right!  Lots to think about lately.  I think that's the main problem (I seem to think lots of things are the main problem) anyway, I really believe part of the problem is that I can't concentrate on the weight loss issues with so much other crap!  I started a nw job, have friends with issues I am trying to help them with, Maddie is going through a very long and bad terrible 2 spell at the moment and I am dealing with being sick and tired and not having any money!  Blah!  And I miss my dogs. :(  I want my coop and layla belle back. I think about then every day :(

Ok this didn't work, I still don't feel motivated and now I've just sat here and rambled and accomplished nothing

I have GOT to get back on track!!

The number on the scale tells me that much! Not just the number though, the way I feel is more an indicator of the fact that my recent lifestyle has been less than satisfactory lately.  I'm up about 1.5 pounds which isn't bad, but I have NO energy!  I just want to lay around and sleep all the dang time!  I'm also feeling super stressed out and just generally icky.  I have bee drinking plenty, not water, but plenty lately and I know that has a lot to do with it.  I love wine and have got to learn to limit my consumption! I have also been letting myself go as far as, well hell, any thing I freaking want!  I haven't been making meal plans and I have not been going to the gym.  I feel myself slipping and I need to get it back in control  I LOVE the way I feel when I look in the mirror and can admire what I see and I do not feel that lately! So I bit the bullet tonight and spent close to $200 on groceries and made a very tentative meal list.  I don't even have the energy for that right now.  Things seem to be spinning out of control. Not just with my diet but my personal life as well.  Issues with Maddie's daddy keep coming up and I can't get things under control. Work is crazy. I have a new position and until things get settled I just feel so lost. I am not being 100% in any aspect of my life right now.  I feel like I am not good enough for maddie on top of it all.  I know a lot has to do with my diet and lifestyle but something isn't clicking right now.  I need a change. I need to get away from everyone and everything and get my head clear.  Yeah I know, all cause I ate a few bites of ice cream right? Anyway, something is wrong. I will fix it. But till the I figure I will set some goals for myself to help get back on track. So here we go.
1) make and stick with a meal plan for one consecutive week (this always gets me back on track)
2) pack my gym clothes and bring to work so I wont find an excuse not to go
3) cook one new recipe (I think a big part of my funk is the fact that I have been so limited on my grocery budget that I haven't been cooking, just making stuff....if that makes sense)

I know this is a boring blog. Maybe goal 4 should be to blog more so I can be entertaining again!  I need to get my groove back. Yup I said it.  Yay me!

No pictures either, I'm nasty right now.  I need to get down to my next goal weight so I can get my cute little tattoo and post some pictures! Woohoo!

funny thing happened today...

So since I am used to being the fat girl this is usually how my shopping trips and visits to the dressing room go.....me standing in my dressing room trying to squeeze into the biggest size the store has. I overhear the skinny chicks in the room next to me bitching that  oooooh this size 6 is SO huge OMG I think I might need a 4 oh no this is just AWFUL my life is over...me- resorts to tears to tears and glares at my fat naked body in the mirror and storm out not buying a damn thing.  Anyway today....... me-  saleslady asks if everything is ok , I tell her I think I need a different size, this medium is too big can I try a small...girl in room next to me "did you just hear that,  she needs a small, must be nice"  AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!   I mean it sucks cause I know EXACTLY how that girl feels but still AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

So anyway, I bought the small. That's right. Granted it is from a store where even at my heaviest I could wear a large. Gotta love stores that run big!

I have been taking pictures of my meals and need to eventually post them and I will, just wanted to get that story out of my system before I forgot how glorious it felt! :)

Happy 2012! Time to get this started!

I'll start my blog the way I am supposed to just to get it out of the way.....Oh my God I can not believe it's already 2012! Where in the world did 2011 go???  Wow!


Ok enough of that.

I have been waiting to write till I felt some type of inspiration but it aint coming so I'm just gonna do my normal babbling rambling mess and have fun.

In all seriousness, 2011 was a heck of a year.  I started the year living in my ex boyfriends house with not a dime to my name, no job, no way of feeding my daughter, dealing with some serious depression issues.  I moved back in with my parents, drew unemployment and was 225 pounds.  I found what I thought was going to be an amazing job but I ended up getting passed over at the last minute which pushed me deeper into depression.  Instead of letting it get me down though, I decided to take charge.  I joined weight watchers.  I applied for EVERY job that I thought I was even remotely close to being qualified for, and I spent every unemployed second loving my sweet baby girl as much as I possibly could. In February I looked at myself in the mirror and just had no clue who was staring back at me.  I have always been heavy and have always had some depression issues, but the thing staring back me was unrecognizable.  She was a size 20, had no desire to dress, fix her hair, hell even shower or brush her teeth half the time.  She stood in the kitchen mindlessly shoving everything in her mouth that she could and rarely moved from the couch, unless it was to go to the computer.  Anyway, I was sick of her so I did something about it!

It was crazy how easy it was once I got my mind right.  Within about 2 months I had dropped 20 pounds and already felt like a new person! The decision to do it the right way, rather than follow previous trends of weight loss pills and fad diets takes the credit for that one.  Fueling your body with the right nutrients and giving it the movement it wants is amazingly simply and does amazing things...yes I know overuse of the word, hell who cares. It's my blog damn it.   Anyway, living with my parents made that easy....they bought the groceries so I could afford to make big healthy nutritious meals and loved doing it.

Then may came and I FINALLY got a job....not the dream job I wanted but it was a paycheck and allowed me to move back to NWA with my boyfriend at the time.  I moved back in and went to work and things settled down for a little bit.  I gradually stopped losing the weight though and started putting it back on.  I was beginning to feel unhappy and useless again.  I know now it was just that we aren't right for each other, but there are other posts about it so I wont go into it.

In October I decided I had had enough and left him.  Since I left in October I dropped another 15 pounds and have become so much happier it's almost sad. Sad because I wasted so much time being miserable and feeling useless.  Anyway, the finances have been rough and my eating hasn't been as good as it could be but I do fine.  I joined a gym, go semi regularly and overall my confidence levels have gone through the roof!  I didddd have to give away my dogs and if any of you know ho wI love my dogs you know how hard this is for me but it's for the better.  Anyway, I know this post is getting stupid at this point so I will just move on to my resolutions!

I don't usually like making these cause no one sticks to them but my resolution last year was to drop 50 pounds and since I dropped 56 I am thinking I can do this again! So here goes

1. Make my goal weight (150) and maintain it- 20 pounds.....20 FREAKING POUNDS!!!  AHHH!!!!!  This is entirely too exciting for me.  Last year the fact that I needed to lose 75 pounds seemed like a daunting impossible task, now here I am 20 little pounds from being exactly where I need to be!  I know the last 20 will be the hardest but I am ready to do it.  I have made this a lifestyle change so I know it will happen.

2.  Try a new clean eating lifestlye.  This one falls a little close to the fad diet realm but at the same time it's REALLY close to how I already eat as it is.  Lots of fruits, veggies, whole grains, beans, etc....I rarely buy processed foods. I know there is more to clean eating and have some research to do but I think I can at least give it a good try!  I am going to try to cut back on meat and dairy...not out just back. We'll see.

3.  I want to learn a new interesting subject- I chose astrology.  I love it and want to know everything there is so to know about it!  This one is just for fun..we all need a little fun!

4 Pay OFF credit card debt.  Self explanatory

5.  Go on a vacation.  Ok so not REALLY a resolution, but a goal to strive towards anyway...saving the money for it and actually taking the time off of work to do it will probably be harder than losing 20 pounds!

I think that's all I have for now.  2012 is gonna be great.  It started with a change in hair color (black almost) and a promotion at work. Woohoo!  More money.....SO # 4 and 5 should be a bit more attainable!  Wish me luck y'all!  Happy 2012!