reminder

Do you ever get frustrated because things are moving too slowly in your life? Many people don't realize that building a foundation for success does not happen overnight. It is a slow process in which you are constantly working and learning. After all, that foundation must remain strong, even in times of failure or crisis. This takes time! You may have to remind yourself that "failing" is only failure if you quit; otherwise it's a learning opportunity. So don't worry if your life seems to be moving in slow motion. Concentrate on building a solid foundation and learning from your back steps

My Plan

So I've been going at this weight loss/ healthy lifestyle/ exercise/ love myself shit for years now. Seriously, when will I just get it? I am a quitter and loser. The fact that it's a couple of years later and I'm here starting over is proof positive. I've got a million and half excuses as to why I gained the weight back but not a single one of them matters. I need to do this. I need to push myself and get over the quitter mentality. I've learned that I'm a miserable person when I'm unhealthy. If anything came out of previous success it's that knowledge. Being healthy makes me happy. Simple as that. I have to do this. MY life depends on it.

As much as I know about eating healthy and exercise I swear I could be a nutritionist...I've just never stuck with anything long enough for it work. I always give up and find myself constantly saying "f*ck it" Yes that is exactly what I say...when I have dieted for a week and eat something bad, I give up. When I workout for a month or two, then miss a few days, I give up. When I'm exhausted because I spend all day cleaning and chasing after babies I go to bed instead of doing yoga. I sleep in instead of dragging my ass out of bed and working out when my husband goes to work. I am a lazy quitter. Always have been. Well for the last year I have been saying lots of fuck its and now here I am. Sitting not so pretty at 210 pounds. Awesome huh?! Now it's time to say bye bye to that attitude and find a new one!

I am setting a goal for myself of 5% of my body weight at a time. Since I weigh 210 pounds right now, that means 10.5 pounds is 5% of my body weight, I think....math and I have never gotten along very well. I'll try something a little different this time and figure out what 5% of each new weight is too...maybe that will keep me more motivated.

Anyway, as I meet my goals, I plan on rewarding myself! I NEVER reward myself, I wont even buy myself the right kind of shampoo half the time because I hate wasting money on me. But self help is a great thing and something to look forward to. My rewards will always non food items and always something personal.

I will also make a meal plan each saturday night, buy the groceries sunday and stick with it through the week. I will be making Brian do this with me and he will lose more weight than me and I will get jealous but that will not make me quit like it would have in the past. I will be able to fit into my clothes again. I will want to dress up and put on makeup and fix myhair again. I will feel like a human being again. And I WILL learn to love myself FINALLY!

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Blank

So lately I find myself sitting and staring at nothing. A lot. I'll snap out of it and realize the boys are fine but freak out because I didn't really realize I was zoned out. This is sorta really scary. My mind is completely blank and I'm not sure how long it even lasts. I wonder if this is what happens before you officially lose your mind. I think the fact that I never get more than a few minutes of true down time to just relax and not be 100% responsible for at least 2 other lives has taken a bigger toll on me than I care to admit. My birthday is a month from today and all I can think about is how amazing it would be if my present was 24 hours completely to myself. I don't have to do anything. Just sit in a clean hotel room for 24 hours and not move not think not clean, nothing. Just exist. I can't explain this to my husband. He probably thinks I'm horrible for wanting to get away from the kids. He doesn't spend 24/7 with them like I do. He doesn't get it. I would also love so alone time with him but that will probably never happen again. I don't think he wants that anyway and it would be pathetic to be the only one who wants alone time with her spouse. So I guess zoning out and going blank is my escape and for now and probably the next 18 years or more it will have to work. 

Monday, September 22, 2014

Off topic

I know this is supposed to be a blog about getting healthy. And I guess that includes mental health as well so maybe it's not off topic. Besides it's my blg so I can say what I want! 

Anyway... I have realized that I am insanely jealous of pregnant women who go past 24 weeks. My cousin is adorably 24 weeks pregnant an instead of feeling joy for her I just want to scream that it's not fair. My sister is going to be 24 weeks pregnant in a few weeks and I know it will be the same. All of the people on my Facebook feed who post pictures of themselves past 24 weeks makes me cry. I want to be happy for them and I hope someday I will but right now I'm jut not. All of the horrible memories of James and John and myself almos dying overwhelm me and it's like a fresh wave of ppd hits me. At my cousins baby shower (she was 23 weeks) I kept thinking how that would have been the end of my pregnancy. I even said that to her which I know I shouldn't have because seriously who wants to hear that shit?? 

I just feel so robbed. I see all of these glowing mommys to be lookin all cute and huge and want to cry. I missed out on the wonderful part of pregnancy. Sure I got a few months of sickness and I got the absolute joys of discovering that there were two and that they were boys but nothing else. Instead I got to watch machines and tubes and doctors grow my babies. 

I get insanely jealous when I see moms with new babies. More than anything else I feel the pain of having lost all of those precious newborn moments. I didn't hold my boys till they were a month old and even then holding them required flagging down whatever nurse was on duty and spending 10 minutes positioning the boys where the tubes and wires weren't disrupted. Holding both at the same time was nearly impossible. When the boys cried out of hunger or whatever ther reason at night I was powerless to help. All I could do was stick my hands into a little hole and try my best to sooth them until it was feeding time. I had to come home to an empty nursery. Instead of waking up hourly and being exhausted from doing what most new mothers take for granted I would lay in bed crying for hours then sleep half the day. 

Anyway, seeing pregnant women just sets this off. I may have to learn to stay off of Facebook until I know most of the pregnancies have passed. I feel like such a shitty selfish person 

I am so frustrated with myself right now

My motivation has decided to go back into hiding. This sucks. I'm trying to find it but it's harder because it gets smart and finds new and better places to hide every time I let it slip out of my reach. Dang it. Taking Madison to school is probably
Going to be the best thing I can do. When I take her I'm forced to get dressed and get the boys in the car and let's face it, getting out of the house is the hardest part of any workout. Especially with tree kids involved. Yikes. The problem with that is Madison loves the bus. She has friends that she only sees on the bus. Maybe once it starts getting cold she will appreciate the offer of a nice warm car ride without having to stand in the cold and wait. We will see. As for today I have at least put on a sports bra and yoga pants. So that's a start... Right? I have a doctors appointment Friday. The one that just a few weeks ago I was all pumped about because it would hold me accountable... Ha! Well after a week of not doing a thing except walking one time lets just say I am not looking forward to stepping on that scale. I will be right exactly where I was. Grr. I need to just suck it up and try jogging with the stroller. In the past jogging/ walking has proven to be a miracle worker for me. I'm just scared of hurting my stupid knees again cause my knees are evil and punish me for a lifetime of making them carry too much weight around. So let's see, I haven't been walking or eating right and I don't drink my water. Also I have stopped cleaning up after the boys and just feel blah in general. I feel like I did when the boys were in the hospital. Helpless and hopeless and just lifeless. No clue why. I know post partum depression sticks around for a while. I feel bummed about that because I thought I had it under control. Looks like another thing i feel helpless to. I know I can control it. Just like I know I am in charge of my body and it will do what I tell it to so why can't I tell it to stop being such a lazy piece of crap? 

Oh! On a positive note Walmart had yoga pants on sale for $5! I only bought one pair but still yay! And I broke down and got a haircut! I love it! Woohoo!! 

Monday, September 8, 2014

soooooo slooooooooow

I think my metabolism is gone.  Seriously.  I'm losing weight, but so freaking slowly! In the past whenever I've started back on track the first 10 pounds or so dropped of so fast! Now it's taking forever! Granted I have setbacks and days where I backslide a bit. And I am OLD now so that is probably why.  Anyway, since my most recent heaviest weight of 216 lbs I am now down to 205 lbs! so 11 pounds down and about 45 more to go! Woohoo! Brian is helping me to stay motivated this time.  He is nice about it, and says he just doesn't want me hating myself, but I'm pretty sure it's because he wants me to not be a fat cow anymore.  I don't blame him. The boys and I did a 3 mile walk today and I burned roughly 400 calories.  Again, I think it's more because I am pushing the stroller and those boys are heavy! But I'm happy with that.  I am on track to reaching my first goal of 5% of my total body weight by the end of this month. We have court on the 24th and I would like to go in there at 200 lbs because even though it's still quite overweight I know I will feel better about myself.  Also I have a doctors appointment on the 26th and I would LOVE to see that scale go down about 10 lbs from where it was!! Seeing the numbers going down is more motivation to me than almost anything else.  That's why I weigh myself daily.  Some people swear that's a horrible thing to do, but if I don't I end up sliding and not taking this seriously.  I feel more accountable if I know I will see the numbers every day. As far as eating goes we have been doing much better.  I made sure to record everything I ate this weekend.  In the past I have been bad about only recording on days I do well and skipping the times I do bad. I did eat about 2000 calories on friday, but other than that I kept it under 1500 all weekend.  Yesterday I was right on track at 1200.  I still lost weight over the weekend too. So yay me! Anyway, I feel like I am officially back on track after my 2 year hiatus and can get back to where I was now.  It will inevitably be more difficult as now I have a whole lot more on my plate than I did before, but that will just give that much more pleasure in seeing that I can still do this!

Bagel Sandwich

Bagel Sandwich
This was the best breakfast I have had in a while! One mini whole grain bagel, 2 slices turkey bacon, 1/4 cup egg whites and 1 slice cheese served with 1/2 banana and 1/2 cup strawberries. Total points- 6! Also- I have decided turkey bacon is FAR superior to regular bacon and I am dead serious!

Orange-Black bean salad and fish

Orange-Black bean salad and fish
YUM! this was so good! And so easy! Just saute some onion and garlic in a little bit of olive oil, add some ground cumin then add black beans, red wine vinegar and fresh orange juice. Toss in some Oranges at the last minute and serve! Amazing! I served mine with some pan grilled mahi mahi. One of the best combinations of food I have ever had!

Chicken Enchilada Casserole

Chicken Enchilada Casserole
mmmmmm....this was awesome and I ate it for at least 4 meals!

Mexican Meatloaf

Mexican Meatloaf
this was amazing! No clue wha tI put in it, if you want the recipe I will dig it up, it was good though!

Shrimp curry

Shrimp curry
Mmmm thai food at home!

Spinach strawberry salad with goat cheese and orange balsamic vinegrette

Spinach strawberry salad with goat cheese and orange balsamic vinegrette
Yummiest salad I've ever made! baby spinach tossed with sliced strawberries, goat cheese, and pistachio nuts. Dressing is orange juice, balsamic vinegar, canola oil, salt and pepper. Very tasty and simple!

Green Monster Smoothie (and Maddie's juice)

Green Monster Smoothie (and Maddie's juice)
milk, fruit and spinach, what's not to love?

Alternative

Alternative
I almost broke down and got some diet pills. Instead I bought these: some fiber choice tablet things that actually taste really good, and a multi vitamin that supports metabolism. I took them both this morning and have tons of extra energy and do not feel starved! Yay!

Day one, off to a happy start....

Day one, off to a happy start....
Breakfast: 1 whole egg, 1 egg white, half banana, 1 mini whole grain bagel. Lunch: 1 cup progresso light zesty Santa fe soup. Dinner: 3 oz fillet mignon, asparagus, sweet potatoes, and french bread

Beans rice and cornbread, can't go wrong!

Beans rice and cornbread, can't go wrong!
1/2 cup pinto beans, 1/4 cip jasmine rice and small slice of cornbread. I like to serve my food in small bowls/plates...I guess the mind trick works for me cause this looked like a ton of food!

My daily breakfast

My daily breakfast
This is a wonderful and filling breakfast. I make a fruit smoothie (1/2 cup milk with about a cup of mixed fruit, whatever I have on hand) then serve it with some egg whites mixed with whatever veggies I have on hand, and a mini whole grain bagel. the whole thing has 5 pts and I am so full that I don't even think about food till about 5 hours later.

Veggie Pizza

Veggie Pizza
garlic olive oil, then pizza sauce, lots of fresh veggies and CHEESE! Just 4 pts a slice!

Baked Ziti

Baked Ziti
turkey sausage, bell pepper, onion, diced tomato, frozen peas, lots of herbs, whole grain pasta and cheese. Very easy and yummy! Filling, and there are tons of leftovers!

Day 4

Day 4
Breakfast: honey nut cheerios and 1/2 cup milk Lunch: 6 piece chickennugget kids meal from Chick Fil A with fruit cup instead of fries and milk to drink Dinner: lean hamburger patty on whole grain mini bagel with tater tots. Picture is of my favorite Sonic drink... a large WATER

the filling for my greek omelet

the filling for my greek omelet
artichoke hearts, spinach, olives, mushrooms, and tomato! Very tasty!

Made from leftovers!

Made from leftovers!
beans, rice and shrimp in my baja yogurt sauce. Served with corn tortillas. Quite tasty!

Fajita Pork and Pasta

Fajita Pork and Pasta
This was sooo good! I'm on a roll with these weight watchers meals! Very easy- 1 onion, 3 bell peppers (green, red and yellow) 1 zucchini a couple carrots cook till tender (seasoned with ground cumin, chili powder and garlic powder) then add some pork (seasoned with the same thing) and heat through. Toss with whole wheat pasta and you're done! I added some garlic in there somewhere too, I think with the veggies. Oh and at the end throw in a can of rotel, it kidna helps hold it all together. Yummy!

Baked Tilapia

Baked Tilapia
Tonight's dinner was so good! I made baked Tilapia- just seasoned both sides of the filet with salt and pepper then covered the tops with a garlic herb blend and fresh lemon juice and broiled for about 10 minutes. Served with orange cilantro black bean salad ( one of my favorite new recipes) and rice! So good!

Day 3

Day 3
Breakfast: Apple Cinnamon Cheerios with 1/2 cup 2% milk, Lunch: whole grain tortilla with grilled chicken breast and veggie mixture of corn, black beans and brocolli, Dinner: roasted pork loin and apples, green beans, and french bread, snack: peaches and raspberries

Fish Tacos

Fish Tacos
this was good! I made fish stickes (tilapia with some seasoned flour and bread crumbs) then served it in corn tortillas with a yogurt sauce (plain fat free yogurt, lime juice, chipotle in adobo and salt/pepper) Made black beans and rice for a side dish

Lemon chocken with artichokes and spinach

Lemon chocken with artichokes and spinach
This was better than it looks, but not much! I think if I had used the capers and fresh spinach the recipe called for it would have been better. Instead I omitted the capers cause I didn't have any and used frozen spinach. the sauce is good though- lemon zest, lemon juice, chicken broth, corn starch and sugar. Season chicken with salt pepper and dill. Mix sauce with artichoke hearts and spinach and serve over chicken. Not bad, but not as good as the rest of the recipes!

Sauted Shrimp and zucchini

Sauted Shrimp and zucchini
Another very good recipe from WW and also very easy. Saute some zucchini in a little olive oil, add shrimp and grape tomatoes. Season with salt pepper and oregano. I served mine with angel hair pasta

Goat Cheese Souffle with fruit salad

Goat Cheese Souffle with fruit salad
Souffle: 3 eggs, seperated, some dill weed, salt and pepper, 1/2 tbs butter and 1-2 oz goat cheese. mix egg yold with dill weed salt and pepper, set aside. In large mixing bowl whip egg whites with electric mixer till soft peaks form (about 2-3 minutes) fold in yolk mixture till combined. Poor into pie dish buttered with 1/2 tbs butter. Crumble goat cheese on top. Place in 400 degree oven for 10 minutes. Eat! Yummy! The whole thing has about 10 points, I cut mine into 4 servings, so this is a nice light breakfast for a few people when served with a good fresh fruit salad- just 3 points!

Mediterranean Chicken

Mediterranean Chicken
Tangy and tasty!