I forgot how to do this!

I just made a big batch of banana nut steel cut oats and they look and smell soooo good I meant to take pictures of it but now it's all put up and stored in the fridge for tomorrow! Crap! Oh well. I will get back in the swing of things!  I will say that since I stopped weight watchers about 5 months ago I have gone from 180 to 185 pounds. Not too bad considering I stopped eating right and exercising basically all at once.  That's how I know weight watchers has worked for me.  If i can keep that much off after stopping then I lost if the right way!  Time to join the gym now. Trying to get myself motivated. The gym I will probably join is notorious for being a meat head gym, but hell I get a state employee discount and it includes childcare, tanning, and yoga classes. Can't beat that for $30 a month right? I'm just trying to get up the nerve to face them all! I HATE gyms. I'm thinking another round of C25K should be included. Might as well pick up where I left off.  Hope my knees will be nice to me this time.

So tired!

I'm so sleepy, so this will be short. I rejoined Weight Watchers today.  I guess I can't do it on my own, yet. Maybe if I do it for a bit longer this time I can do better.  Woohoo!  More later I promise

What is wrong with me??

I just want to eat and I can't stop thinking about food...and not healthy food...I want hot dogs and pizza and hamburgers. What the hell????  I am not eating it but I can't stop thinking about it! Thank God I stocked my kitchen in this new place with mostly stuff you have to actually prepare, and nothing super awful or anything and Maddie is asleep so I can't go buy something.  Still, I bet I am up all night cause I feel like I am starving and wont be able to sleep till I binge on something. This sucks! I hate knowing I am going to fail tonight. Maybe it's time to go back on weight watchers. Not sure I can afford it, but I may not have a choice. Something about that program really worked for me maybe it can again.  Or maybe I should get some dang fruit in this house and hide it from maddie. She eats all the fruit before I get it! I have no energy to do anything either.  The crappiest part of it all...I know exactly what the problem is.  I know I don't have energy because I am not feeding my body what it wants and needs and because I am sitting my lazy butt on the floor with maddie instead of walking and running and playing. It's a vicious cycle I've gotten myself back into getting out may kill me this time around!  I have to!  I'm hoping if I keep telling myself I have to I will.....

I guess I can start with logging my food again

breakfast: bowl of honey nut cheerios with 1/2 cup skim milk
am snack: 12 almonds and 2 pieces of dark chocolate
lunch: serving of pasta with pesto sauce and one small piece of garlic bread
dinner: salad and asian noodle bowl

I also ate a graham cracker and 1/2 of maddie's pop tart.

I see a problem developing already after writing this...I'm NOT eating enough during the day! I am STARVING when I get home and just want to eat everything. Good lord is it really that simple? Geez.  I guess I will attempt to go back to eating some fruit between all meals as a snack and throw in some low fat cheese or yogurt and maybe some whole grain crackers or something.  It worked before I just can't see to remember what I ate while I was on weight watchers!  It wasn't that long ago why can't I remember.  Probably cause I'm old. And fat. Yuck. Oh and I ;ve stopped drinking water, again, not really sure why. I just did.  I really hate that I know how to fix my problem and I wont.  I want someone else to fix me. ha

I feel like such a loser

Why can't I ever get this shit right? I really hate myself sometimes.  I always get to inspired and motivated and do so good then I just stop.  I just read my last post from about 3 months ago and wow I have failed.  I don't work out and my eating...while not as bad as it used to be, is bad again. Blah.  I just moved in to my own apartment, so it's just maddie and me now.  Things at the house I was at were terrible.  I would get home from work and just sit and eat because I was so overwhelmed with the utter chaos and mess at that place.  I lost all motivation to do anything.  There is so much to be said for a clean and peaceful home it really can make your life better. Weird.  It seems I was able to get all my weight off when I was living with my parents, then when I moved back to fayetteville and into a construction zone it jsut stopped.  I don't know if it was because I was able to concentrate on me there and not a mess or what but I know it helped and I am praying that now that I have a fresh start I can do it again.  I know I have to join a gym but I am waiting to make sure I can fit it into my budget.  I know I am going to have to make time to restart healthy habits like preparing lunches the day before and making time for activity I know I am going to have to start meal planning again at night after maddie goes to bed I know all this stuff but I still feel like I am just a big fat loser all over again. All that talk about oooh I'm changed oh I'm healthy oh I can be hot as hell...fucking bullshit.  I hate myself right now.  I hate to change this.  I have to be someone maddie will want to be like and being a fat blob on the couch with a big greasy fried chicken leg hanging out of her mouth is not who I want my little girl to turn into. Something has to snap back like it did before I keep waiting but it wont. I don't know what did it in march I don't know what triggered my change but damn it I HAVE TO FIND IT.  Maybe self hatred but I doubt it.  Damn it. Maybe cussing...or a lack of punctuation. Anyway,  I am going to spend about an hour once I post this and resist going to sleep during this nice thunderstorm and meal plan. Maybe that will help. Maybe not. I gotta try. Blah...again.  That's it.

time for (another) recommitment

Yup.  Again.  I didn't totally give it up this time, but I haven't been working out. At all. I blame it on the heat.  Always gotta have something to pin it on.  I have done pretty well well with my eating.  I accepted long ago that this is a new lifestyle and my old way (fast food, constant snacking, fat heavy nasty shit) o eating is long gone.  I didn't stick with a workout routine long enough for it to stick though I guess.  Time to restart C25K!  Hopefully being a little lighter this time around will make it easier on my knees. that was definitely what did me in last time. One stupid little knee injury and like a big baby I just quit! I have to join a gym though, running in this heat is OUT OF THE QUESTION.  I'm not suicidal or anything! I want to run not pass out and die from heat exhaustion! Anyway,  I don't have a choice bt to chagne something. I got rid of my fat clothes and have lots of cute almost skinny clothes!  I don't have the money to buy more fat clothes! I haven't gained any weight, so I know when I get to the weight I want to be how to maintain it! I'm not going to lie, my eating hasn't been as good as it was.  I do eat a little more fast food from time to time and I am not eating as many fruits as veggies as I should. However, for the most part, I am still the picture of healthy eating! Yay me!  Adding some movement back into my routine should jump start the weight loss again! I'm excited to get back on track!  I love thinking of how HOT AS HELL I will look when I lose another 30 pounds or so!  ;) I'm still shooting for that Warrior Dash in October by the way....I have plenty of time to train right? EEK!

CONFESSION

so I was just reading over some old posts on here and saw what I had posted as my starting weight...yeah that was a bunch of BS. I was 225 in December.  225!  Now I am 179.  I'm happy with it :)

I gotta get through this!!!

Hi!!  So I haven't posted in a looooong time!  I know, shocker! Anyway...still no internet connection at the house so I just get online from time to time at local coffee shops and what not. Anyway, as far as my weight loss/diet/lifestyle/ etc goes....it's going!  I was doing great! I finally made it below 175...which hadn't happened in YEARS...then it went back over it and I am sitting (not pretty) at 179.  At least it's below 180!  I don't know why but my body LOVES being between 175-180.  I don't, but my body has a mind of its own I guess.  I know I can get it to go down, I just have to get my lazy arse to the gym more often.  I have discovered hot yoga and I really enjoy it, but I hardly ever actually go.  I usually use maddie as an excuse, but she is gone for 2 weeks!  SO.....it's pretty much just cause I'm lazy! Awesome!  Last month I worked a bunch of overtime so by the time I made it home from work WOW classes were over as were yoga.  I haven't joined a gym because I have been debating some pretty sizable life decisions recently that may or may not involve lots of money so I didn't want to waste money on a gym.  I think I may have, at least for the time being, decided against the pricey option however so a gym may be in my future.  I know now many people read this but if you do and you are just DYING to know what I am talking about just ask! You probably already know though!  I think all 2 of you who read this are clued in! Anyway..... I must have gotten out of the whole blog mood cause you would think I would just be overflowing with stuff to write about but I just can't think of a dang interesting thing! Booo!!  Job is good, kid is adorable, I'm in between a 10 and a 12, um that's it!  Wow my life is dull!  I'm about to start my stupid C25K thing again, I was dropping pounds fast with that and I loved it so I need to be a runner again! Maybe now that I am considerably less chunky it wont be so hard on my knees! or maybe it will still suck ass. Who knows, gotta try to find out! Love you all!  I'll try to post more often and maybe the inspirational worth reading thoughts will start flowing back! In the mean time....I really want some frozen yogurt. Boo.