Nothing can derail me faster than that lovely time of the month that all women just love.  Seriously.  I actually tried to control it this time because in the past I just knew better.  It was pointless.  All that led to was more binging. But I'm back now, that's over and time to get back on it. All of the kids are here this weekend. That never helps either.  I don't really have much to say right now just wanted to sit down and write something in hopes of getting re-motivated.  Brian and I had a doctors appointment the other day and I asked the doctor about diet pills.  He basically said I didn't need them and could do it without them.  I get to check in with him in a month so maybe that accountability will help me stick with it.  He also put me on welbutrin.  I've taken it before and it helps with my appetite. A lot. I also started drinking honey with cinnamon and lemon juice in water.  Supposedly that helps with weight loss and all sorts of other ailments! Again, we will see how all this goes.  I know today I haven't been the least bit hungry after drinking that stuff and starting my new medication. Yay! Now to get back to walking, I missed a few days because of the rain and the damn cramps and being sick but tomorrow is a new day and I think after the kids go home tonight I'll do some yoga. I am getting my head back in the right place, it just takes a while.

getting there

I lost 4.2 lbs last week!  REALLY hoping that perhaps I've entered that wonderful state of mind where I am determined and motivated again.  I feel so much better after only one week of healthy eating and daily exercise.  Usually I lay in bed for hours on the verge of tears because my back hurts so bad.  The last few nights I just lay down and fall asleep! Not sure if it's because I'm exhausted or because the pain is getting better but either way I'll take it! I only went of track one time last week.  And it was just one snack, not a whole meal, or a whole day. I believe in the power of a cheat snack! I used to do cheat days.  Those were always bad though. If I wasn't in the right state of mind I would gain just enough weight back on that day to set me off and I would be done.  I would say fuck it and go back to my old ways.  I'm trying really hard to be strict on myself here at first.  I know I wont always keep up such a rigid style but I'm hoping it gets me into the habit. Having Madison in school helps.  I can take the boys for a walk and actually walk fast.  Madison isn't the best walking partner!!

I've also decided to set a new and different kind of goal for myself.  My goal is to burn between 300-400 calories a day right now and build to about 600 per workout.  I know that's probably a lot less than I should aim for, but...baby steps!  Today's walk was 2.45 miles and I burned 350 calories. I have a feeling that's not too accurate though and would love to purchase some kind of fitness monitor that keeps better track for me.

Well, here's to hoping I got this.

stupid girl you can't do this.

I am really annoyed with myself.  It's wednesday.  I have eaten right and worked out every day this week so far ( A whopping 3 days I know) but I won't let myself get excited and feel good about this.  I know in the back of mind that I won't stick with it.  I tell myself that I really wont if I keep the negative attitude but then I also tell myself that it doesn't matter what Ido I can't stick with it.  I tell myself not to get excited because then I will just be embarrassed and let down when I do what I always do and get lazy.  I wish I could allow myself to get excited about what I am trying to do for myself but I just wont let myself do it.  I think this is self hatred at its finest.

random thoughts.

Not sure why I continue to torture myself with this occasional blogging.  Every time I read it I remind myself that I am a failure.  I'm a quitter. And I'm just plain lazy.  I have started, once again, attempting to eat right.  My beautiful little girl started kindergarten.  It is tearing me up inside.  I miss her so much during the day.  I know I haven't always been a stay at home mom with her but it feels like since I have been over the last year I have gotten to know her so much better and she is such an amazing little girl.  She's smart and beautiful and crazy and silly and doesn't give a shit what others think of her.  She's honest and cautious and considerate and just amazing.  Compared to other kids I see she is just about perfect.  She has her flaws...namely her ATTITUDE, and she's a slow mover. But I'll take it. Anyway, her leaving me gives me time to focus on me some more.  The boys are so independent.  Madison always wants my attention, the boys have each other to entertain so unless they are hungry or need a diaper change they don't need me constantly.  I usually have to force them to spend time in the floor with me playing because they would rather be off exploring the house! Also with Madison not home I don't have to make lunch for anyone but me.  The boys eat whatever I eat for the most part.  They are great eaters.  So I am trying to be healthy again. Once I get used to getting up to get Madison ready for school I will hopefully start doing some type of workout before the boys get up.  It didn't happen today even though I was up at 6:00 and the boys weren't up till 9:00.  My lazy butt fell back asleep on the couch until I woke up to the boys crying.  I didn't even mean to.  Just one more example of how I suck. I hate even trying to get pumped up about this because I know I will let myself down and just feel stupid again.  I am not announcing this attempted change to anyone either this time.  Not that anyone would care because if there ever was anyone that listened and cared they would just think to themselves oh great here she goes again.  Wonder how long this will last? I give her a week.  And they are right.  Those are the exact same thoughts I have about myself.  How am I supposed to succeed if I don't even believe in myself?  I need to figure out what I can do different.  I don't want Madison to end up like me.  I don't want her to hate herself and have no confidence at all like I do.  I wish I could say that if I lose weight and was healthy I was be a better role model but I don't even think that is true because even when I was skinny a few years ago I still hated myself. How do I love myself? That's the only love I have NEVER experienced.