Sunday, December 29, 2013
rambling to get back into this.
I'm starting the new year at 210 pounds. Yay for being a forever pathetic fat ass. I spent a few hours last night reading my old blog posts and the only thing I can think is how embarrassed I am. I'm a failure. I had it. I had this shit down. I was healthy, happy and feeling good. I knew what I needed to do and I fucking did it. Not now. I know what I need to do and I just don't do it. I come up with fucking excuse after excuse and I hate myself for it. I've let my life go to shit. My marriage is a mess and I don't blame my husband for not wanting me anymore. Look at me. I'm gross. 210 fucking pounds. I don't give a shit about myself. I don't fix my hair. I don't wear makeup. I shower, but not daily. I don't feel like I have anyone who wants to look at me so why bother. I have o get over this damn mindset. I know that what I need to do I need to do for me not for anyone else but I can't get past it. I've tried psyching myself up by reading old posts, by writing out lists of what I need to do and how it would benefit me. I need to get back into yoga. I loved it. I need to get a hobby so I have something to think of besides the babies. I need to start reading so my mind doesn't turn to complete shit. I need to eat right so I have energy. So many things I need to do. I need to just be happy. I'm not. I should be. I hate hearing people telling me I have so much to be thankful for too. I mean yes I love my babies. and yes I am probably one of the fortunate people in the world to have them. They shouldn't really be alive. If it had been up to the doctors it wouldn't have been. But I can't help the depression. And all that does is makes me feel guilty for having emotions when I'm told to look at them and be happy. So totally off topic rant there. I would probably need to have some back story to that one. Anyway, maybe next time.
Saturday, December 28, 2013
I've lost myself. Maybe typing here will help. I'm not who I used to be. I remembered my blog and read over some of my old posts. I want to be her again. That's who my husband married and loved. He doesn't love the new me. I don't blame him. There's nothing to love. I'm unhappy. I don't know how to get happy again. Depression after the babies coupled with post traumatic stress has killed me. I need to lose 50 pounds. I need to work out again. I need to eat better. I need to find a hobby. I need a life. Brian has one now and doesn't love me like he used to. Maybe if I can be the person he did fall in love with he would feel the same about me again. Not sure it's possible. He's moved on. I'm left remembering how it used to be and dwelling on it because I have nothing else to do. I have intentions of doing something about it. I intend on finding a hobby. Keeping up with my blog again for one. MAybe crochet or knitting. Also start yoga back up again. Of all the times in my life and everything I've tried to help my mood yoga was the number 1 thing that worked. I've never felt better about myself than when I've completed a really difficult yoga session. Hell even an easy one. I was good at it. I was the fat girl who could do what the skinny girls were doing. I doubt I can even touch my toes anymore. I let everything get in the way and let myself use excuses. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of me. I'm such a whiney useless shit. Fuck it. I'm getting a life and I'm going to make myself happy again. I have so many things I need to talk about and get out. So much about the babies and Brian about me about my life. I feel blocked though. I swear there is a dam and if it busts I'm going to flood. I need to find a way to bust it.
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Bagel Sandwich
This was the best breakfast I have had in a while! One mini whole grain bagel, 2 slices turkey bacon, 1/4 cup egg whites and 1 slice cheese served with 1/2 banana and 1/2 cup strawberries. Total points- 6! Also- I have decided turkey bacon is FAR superior to regular bacon and I am dead serious!
Orange-Black bean salad and fish
YUM! this was so good! And so easy! Just saute some onion and garlic in a little bit of olive oil, add some ground cumin then add black beans, red wine vinegar and fresh orange juice. Toss in some Oranges at the last minute and serve! Amazing! I served mine with some pan grilled mahi mahi. One of the best combinations of food I have ever had!
Chicken Enchilada Casserole
mmmmmm....this was awesome and I ate it for at least 4 meals!
Mexican Meatloaf
this was amazing! No clue wha tI put in it, if you want the recipe I will dig it up, it was good though!
Shrimp curry
Mmmm thai food at home!
Spinach strawberry salad with goat cheese and orange balsamic vinegrette
Yummiest salad I've ever made! baby spinach tossed with sliced strawberries, goat cheese, and pistachio nuts. Dressing is orange juice, balsamic vinegar, canola oil, salt and pepper. Very tasty and simple!
Green Monster Smoothie (and Maddie's juice)
milk, fruit and spinach, what's not to love?
Alternative
I almost broke down and got some diet pills. Instead I bought these: some fiber choice tablet things that actually taste really good, and a multi vitamin that supports metabolism. I took them both this morning and have tons of extra energy and do not feel starved! Yay!
Day one, off to a happy start....
Breakfast: 1 whole egg, 1 egg white, half banana, 1 mini whole grain bagel. Lunch: 1 cup progresso light zesty Santa fe soup. Dinner: 3 oz fillet mignon, asparagus, sweet potatoes, and french bread
Beans rice and cornbread, can't go wrong!
1/2 cup pinto beans, 1/4 cip jasmine rice and small slice of cornbread. I like to serve my food in small bowls/plates...I guess the mind trick works for me cause this looked like a ton of food!
My daily breakfast
This is a wonderful and filling breakfast. I make a fruit smoothie (1/2 cup milk with about a cup of mixed fruit, whatever I have on hand) then serve it with some egg whites mixed with whatever veggies I have on hand, and a mini whole grain bagel. the whole thing has 5 pts and I am so full that I don't even think about food till about 5 hours later.
Veggie Pizza
garlic olive oil, then pizza sauce, lots of fresh veggies and CHEESE! Just 4 pts a slice!
Baked Ziti
turkey sausage, bell pepper, onion, diced tomato, frozen peas, lots of herbs, whole grain pasta and cheese. Very easy and yummy! Filling, and there are tons of leftovers!
Day 4
Breakfast: honey nut cheerios and 1/2 cup milk Lunch: 6 piece chickennugget kids meal from Chick Fil A with fruit cup instead of fries and milk to drink Dinner: lean hamburger patty on whole grain mini bagel with tater tots. Picture is of my favorite Sonic drink... a large WATER
the filling for my greek omelet
artichoke hearts, spinach, olives, mushrooms, and tomato! Very tasty!
Made from leftovers!
beans, rice and shrimp in my baja yogurt sauce. Served with corn tortillas. Quite tasty!
Fajita Pork and Pasta
This was sooo good! I'm on a roll with these weight watchers meals! Very easy- 1 onion, 3 bell peppers (green, red and yellow) 1 zucchini a couple carrots cook till tender (seasoned with ground cumin, chili powder and garlic powder) then add some pork (seasoned with the same thing) and heat through. Toss with whole wheat pasta and you're done! I added some garlic in there somewhere too, I think with the veggies. Oh and at the end throw in a can of rotel, it kidna helps hold it all together. Yummy!
Baked Tilapia
Tonight's dinner was so good! I made baked Tilapia- just seasoned both sides of the filet with salt and pepper then covered the tops with a garlic herb blend and fresh lemon juice and broiled for about 10 minutes. Served with orange cilantro black bean salad ( one of my favorite new recipes) and rice! So good!
Day 3
Breakfast: Apple Cinnamon Cheerios with 1/2 cup 2% milk, Lunch: whole grain tortilla with grilled chicken breast and veggie mixture of corn, black beans and brocolli, Dinner: roasted pork loin and apples, green beans, and french bread, snack: peaches and raspberries
Fish Tacos
this was good! I made fish stickes (tilapia with some seasoned flour and bread crumbs) then served it in corn tortillas with a yogurt sauce (plain fat free yogurt, lime juice, chipotle in adobo and salt/pepper) Made black beans and rice for a side dish
Lemon chocken with artichokes and spinach
This was better than it looks, but not much! I think if I had used the capers and fresh spinach the recipe called for it would have been better. Instead I omitted the capers cause I didn't have any and used frozen spinach. the sauce is good though- lemon zest, lemon juice, chicken broth, corn starch and sugar. Season chicken with salt pepper and dill. Mix sauce with artichoke hearts and spinach and serve over chicken. Not bad, but not as good as the rest of the recipes!
Sauted Shrimp and zucchini
Another very good recipe from WW and also very easy. Saute some zucchini in a little olive oil, add shrimp and grape tomatoes. Season with salt pepper and oregano. I served mine with angel hair pasta
Goat Cheese Souffle with fruit salad
Souffle: 3 eggs, seperated, some dill weed, salt and pepper, 1/2 tbs butter and 1-2 oz goat cheese. mix egg yold with dill weed salt and pepper, set aside. In large mixing bowl whip egg whites with electric mixer till soft peaks form (about 2-3 minutes) fold in yolk mixture till combined. Poor into pie dish buttered with 1/2 tbs butter. Crumble goat cheese on top. Place in 400 degree oven for 10 minutes. Eat! Yummy! The whole thing has about 10 points, I cut mine into 4 servings, so this is a nice light breakfast for a few people when served with a good fresh fruit salad- just 3 points!
Mediterranean Chicken
Tangy and tasty!