Just wondering what happens next

I haven't blogged in a while.  Tonight may not be the best time to write something that I am going to post and make public for everyone to see.  I'm feeling extremely vulnerable and confused and overwhelmed and a million other emotions and just hope that if I can somehow get one or two of those down on here maybe something will click and make sense.  I really don't even know what the problem is or what is bringing on the surge of emotions honestly.  I will say that I have reached 162 pounds.  So that's good.  I'm doing great and feeling better about myself.  Maybe that's part of my problem.  I'm not sure what I am going to do if there ever comes a time when  I can't justifiably hate my body.  Sure I'll always have stretch marks and extra skin, but I can't hate that.  Those are just the marks that make me a real person.  The fat is leaving.  Supposedly that is what I have always hated so much.  What do I do when I can't hate me anymore but I still do?  How am I supposed to look at myself everyday and know that I can't fix anything else but I still hate the person I am looking at.  I know it's more than that.  I know at this point it's something inside of me that needs to be fixed and I am attempting to fix what I see on the outside to get around the more complicated issue, but how do I get over that?  What is wrong with me?  I just feel so lost and lonely and confused and isolated and out of place. No matter where I go or who I am with I just feel different.  I have so much I want to say to friends and family but I don't feel like they wont to listen to me so I just shut off.  I don't feel important to anyone and I don't want to burden anyone with my stupid issues. Only to me they aren't stupid.  It's real.  And that's what no one seems to get or care about.  Or maybe I just think no one cares and in reality everyone really does but I wont accept it because I don't believe I can actually be cared about because I don't give a shit about myself.  Anyway...I know this is really shallow and stupid and I have done a great job of saying a whole hell of a lot of nothing other than I am lonely.  Really really lonely.  This may all be a direct result of a weekend without Maddie.  In fact I am sure it is.  As soon as my little monkey comes back I will be better and will continue to just get on with my dumb little insignificant issues.  Cause I know one thing...Maddie loves me.  To Maddie I am the most important person in the whole. hell I AM that baby girls world.  Ok.....well...nope, not fixed. Still feel like I am being torn in a million different directions all at once.  I think I may have to start over.  Not in my blog, in my life. Where do I begin?

being brave here folks

ok...I took these and have to post them! Not because I think I look good, but because I look NORMAL!  Well except for my creepy looking face. I wasn't trying to look sexy I was just trying to look at the picture as it was taking and that's my concentrating expression.  Give me a break, these were taken on my computer. haha  Well here we go!

I still hate my stomach with a passtion and refuse to take one of it, although I guess it's showing in the mirror.  Eek!  Anyway, from the back and sides it's not as glaringly disgusting as it is head on!

I know I'm a slacker

I go through serious bi-polar issues when it comes to this blog.  I'm either way in to it or just say screw it for days at a time! Usually when I'm not blogging it's because I'm slacking off and not being healthy but not this time! I'm actually stuck with it for a good length of time now! The whole healthy thing I mean, obviously not blogging.....

ANYWAY....

Since I signed up for the medically supervised weight loss thingy I have done really well!  I started at 171 and am now down to 166! 5 pounds in just over 2 weeks of good with me! I've been keeping my calorie count under 1200 a day and that seems to be the magic number for me.  Oh, I cancelled my weight watchers subscription, again.  I just wasn't using it and when I did use it it wasn't anything new that I didn't already know so I just figured hell I'll save $20 a month and use what the program taught me for free! So while I will forever credit WW for the majority oy my weight loss I just don't need it anymore!  I've still got some work to do as far as learning to love working out again.  That's my problem area at the moment.  Eating healthy and less isn't too bad, but when I get home, I just want to enjoy maddie or clean or waste time on facebook or daydream about you know who ;) anything but workout!  I'm making myself head to yoga here in about 20 minutes and hoping that rekindles my love for it because I do miss it and the way it made me feel.  So  here's a sample of what I've been eating cause I don't really feel like posting my menu

breakfast: protein smoothie made with milk and a banana
lunch: oatmeal with raisins and walnuts
dinner: veggies, a whole grain 4 oz of lean protein

dinner varies,  last week I cooked a box of brown rice, some quinoa, steamed a bag of veggies and thawed a few different types of meat and I have just been mixing it together in whatever combination sounds good at the time!  Tonight I had brown rice with veggies that I cooked in a pan with a little bit of terryaki sauce then grilled a piece of tilapia ad put ginger and garlic seasoning.  Very tasty and quick!

I realized that after over a year of losing weight and trying to come to terms with my body that I may have a skewed version of how I look.  I came to this realization through the help of a very loving and supportive person and because I realized today that I am very close to my original goal weight.  I'm not sure if I will ever really like what I see in the mirror but I am trying.  This kinda scares me, because then what will I gripe about?  I decided my next issue to tackle is my debt.  So IF the day ever comes when I look in the mirror and think Wow she's hot....this will be a financial blog. HA!

On that note I did download an app that helps see the big picture when it comes to credit card debt and I realized this- if I don't charge another dime, it will take me no less than 2.5 years to pay off my debt.  I know that's not bad compared to some people, but still it's a little overwhelming because I know I am not ready to not charge stuff yet.  I can afford to pay for everything I NEED on a cash basis, but that's the problem.  I never stick to just what I need. Who does??  I've developed a new addiction to living social and have got to control it.  I'm going to be setting goals and limits for myself in that arena vry soon.  I'm thinkin make a budget, make it cash only so if I don't have the cash I don't use it, and ATTEMPT to think of the future. I want to own a house and would love to by the time I am 30, maybe 32 and that aint happenin at my current rate of spending.  I've already taken my credit cards OUT of my wallet which is a step in the right direction. While I know that's not enough this is big for me and every little step gets me closer.  Anyway, I will get into this topic more later. For now I'll keep this about weight loss!

Maybe I'll post a more recent picture of my slowly becoming hotty body ;)

fasting= inevitable binge

I fasted for 24 hours, nothing but water and a few sips of black coffee.  I has some blood work done and it was required, not like it was for weight loss purposes.  Anyway, I knew when I was done with my appointment I would go a little crazy and I did not dissapoint.  The people at the doctors office even joked that most people head right out the door and to the nearest drive thru and start the plan the next day, so I guess that got rid of some my guilt. Anyway before I get to what happend at the doctor I will just spill the horor story of the binge.  First stop- Krispy Kreme.  Purchase- 6 donuts (I ate 1, the rest are for maddie) next stop- Dairy Queen. Purchase- mushroom swiss burger with fries and a sprite.  Ate the entire thing in 5 minutes I think.  Last stop- Zaxby's. Purchase-w brownie batter milkskake (drank maybe half of it then wanted to vomit) Finally at church I had a handful of goldfish with the kids.  Here comes the true confession- I threw up when I got home. Not sure if it was a combination of the side effects they mentioned I may experience from the B-12 shots or the huge mass of grease and sugar and just overall nastiness sitting in my stomach but it all came up. And no, before anyone wonders or thinks it I did NOT force it.  I had a huge surge of nausea and now I feel better.  I feel extremely energized. Thanks to the B-12 shot I am assuming.  I get a shot once a week for the next month and if I always feel this way they may have just made them selves a lifetime customer. Not sure if it will help with my weight loss of not cause of what the doctor/nutritionist/whatever he was said. But I sure feel good.  Anyway here is what he said- that based on what I eat now (or usually, I admitted to going through binge periods and fast food addictions and such) that I probably will just get a little boost but wont see the huge weight loss that most of his clients experience.  I guess that's a good thing.  I'm not obese I guess.  Although my BMI was measured to be 27.5 which still puts me FIRMLY in the overweight category so I am very much justified in wanting to lose more weight.  He said I could probably lose 20 pounds but that he doesn't recommend I get below 150.  SOOO I guess I may have to adjust some goals and stuff! The office visit was nice.  Just him and his person who gives shots- not sure what she is- she was nice, but had to poke me twice to draw blood which sucked! I was weighed, had my BMI checked blood drawn, jabbed with the shot then had a 30 minute talk with the doc about a weight loss/exercise plan that would work for me.  And the shitty part- it's exactly what I do now.  he was asking me for tips and recipes.  Geez.  Anyway it was fun and I'm excited about seeing some results or at least feeling them!

Meal plan for tomorrow:
Breakfast: english muffin, egg cheese, ham, fruit
Snack: fruit, yogurt
Lunch: chicken breast, tortilla, veggies
snack: carrot sticks
dinner: chicken breast, chick peas, mixed veggies, couscous

exercise: c25K week 2 day 3

I have a meal plan that they gave me- not with food but with categories (such as breakfast 1 protein, one starch, one fruit, one dairy, etc....) and I will probably use that as a guide to balance the healthy stuff out but essentially its what I've already been doing for a year (on and off ) now.  Either way, I am excited again maybe this is the final boost I need to get down to a size I will be happy with!

20 days till the pool opens!!

I have 20 days to get presentable!!  Yikes!  Damn it why did I put this off for so long?!  Grrr!!!  I guess I don't HAVE to run to the pool the second it opens. I could keep working on things till they are right then go....but in that case I would never make it!  I know there is probably no way I will ever be happy with my body. That makes me sad really.  I have just never been happy with it and I think in order to ever fully accept yourself you have to have at least liked yourself at some point in your life.  Now maybe I am totally wrong and when I get to where I want to be I will love what I see, doubt it, but I will see.

Yesterday was good at least. Here's what I ate/my workout

Breakfast: english muffin, egg, canadian bacon, swiss cheese (7pts)
Snack: Banana (0 pts)
Lunch: brown rice with sauteed shrimp, green beans and mandarin oranges (7 pts)
Snack: 12 almonds (2 pts)
Dinner: Brown rice with bell peppers, mushrooms, black beans and a fried egg (8 pts)
Snack: Cottage cheese and mandarin orange slices (2 pts)

Week 2 day 1 of C25K

So far today is starting off well.  I actually got out of bed after only one smack of the snooze button which is unusual for me lately.  I had time to take a shower, eat breakfast, drink coffee and sit here and type up this long boring blog post!  I used to love getting up early enough to actually have a relaxing morning but here lately I just can't seem to drag myself out of bed and I end up having to rush myself and Maddie. I'm still planning on letting her sleep as late as possible though! I am happy that I once again proved myself right though,  once I got back to healthier eating and working out my energy levels are up and I am feeling much better.  This weekend was a different story, but what the heck!  It was a weekend and I wasn't home so I just enjoyed myself! I wont go into to all the gory details but I will say there were biscuits and gravy and s'mores involved. :)  It was worth it!

I do have a little confession- and maybe I mentioned this is an older post but I don't remember.  I have an appointment tomorrow with a doctor for some kind of weight loss/energy check treatment thingy.  I got it on living social and bought it and after some research think it may be good for me considering my recent energy drop!  I'm pretty excited about it!  They do a weight loss plan of sorts and run tests to see if everything is ok and you get 4 visits to follow up on everything. No pills or anything like that so it's safe.  My appointment is at 5:00 tomorrow and I can't eat a thing past 5:00 tonight though!  So tomorrow may be pretty scary!  I don't do hungry very well!!!

A Perfect Day!

Well by standards at least!  I didn't cheat, not once!  Not even on my workout!  Woohoo!! It feels good to start getting back into a healthy routine.  I feel more focused and guided, like I have a purpose almost.  I don't want to just sit and do nothing I want to get up and go and be active and move!  I want to figure out what I will eat the rest of the week and when I will get my workouts in!  I knew I still had it in me!  Apparently several months of being healthy can set a lifestyle, I was just backtracking a little but I never completely lost focus and now I think I am back.  Yes I know this is jumping the gun a bit but I remember now how it felt before and I love it now that I am getting it back!  The fact that the pool opens Mays 1st doesn't hurt either..... So here's the breakdown for the day

Breakfast: English muffin with egg, cheese and canadian bacon, cantaloupe ( 7 pts)
Lunch: 2 corn tortillas with scrambled eggs, black beans, and salsa, cantaloupe ( 7 pts)
Dinner: Fish, brown rice pan fried in a tsp of olive oil with mixed veggies, and egg and some soy sauce ( 8 pts)
Snack: CLIF energy bar (3 pts)
Total for the day: 25
Activity: C25K Week 1 Day 3

I have 3 pts left for the day but I doubt I use them.  I'll probably have some fruit in a little bit and maybe some cottage cheese with it since I have the points to use.  Tomorrow is weigh in day!  Hoping to be at 170 still.  I think last friday I was 170 then I weighed myself monday and was 172. I haven't weighed myself all week so I am hoping tomorrow will be a good surprise.  If not no harm done, I know I am doing what is best for me. I can tell in my energy level and overall attitude improvement so even if the scale doesn't move I'll be ok!

Ok time to finish cleaning....keeping my fingers crossed that I don't have an urge to binge.  Those things sneak up on me when my motivation is at it's highest usually!

Good morning!

Ok one of the things I told myself I would do is actually be honest on this thing and not hide my slip ups! So I'm already at a confession!  Yesterday I was great till  Igot off work!  My friend and I both had kinda a rough day at work so we decided to head to the mall for some retail therapy....well on our way out the dang mexican restaurant and BAR just looked so appealing! So we popped in for a quick margarita and of course you have to eat chips and salsa!  Then since I had to be at work at 6:30 and did leave the restaurant till 6:20 I stopped at Mcdonalds and had a double cheeseburger and fries. :(  It's ok.  I still only went over on my points by about 10 which still keeps me under my weekly total.  That's what I love about weight watchers!  Oh I didn't do any activity either. Just the walking around the mall. Ha!  It was my day off from that anyway so no big deal.

So here is the plan for today:
Breakfast- english muffin with canadian bacon, egg and low fat swiss cheese and cantaloupe
Lunch- scrambled eggs with black beans and salsa in a corn tortilla
dinner- rice, veggies and fish

Until I get my butt to the grocery store eggs are going to be a common theme!

Tonights activity- Week one day 3 of C25K

Have a great day, I know I will!