What is wrong with me?

So I'm back up to heavier than ever. I give up. I'm buying a moo moo and calling it a day 

I reached my first goal!!

I finally made it below 200!! Barely but 199.8 is under 200! It took longer than I had hoped but that's what happens when I let myself completely get off track for 2 weeks. Anyway that's all I wanted to say today. Boring I know. I don't want to get too excited yet though. Not until I meet my next goal. Then I may celebrate :-)

Blank

So lately I find myself sitting and staring at nothing. A lot. I'll snap out of it and realize the boys are fine but freak out because I didn't really realize I was zoned out. This is sorta really scary. My mind is completely blank and I'm not sure how long it even lasts. I wonder if this is what happens before you officially lose your mind. I think the fact that I never get more than a few minutes of true down time to just relax and not be 100% responsible for at least 2 other lives has taken a bigger toll on me than I care to admit. My birthday is a month from today and all I can think about is how amazing it would be if my present was 24 hours completely to myself. I don't have to do anything. Just sit in a clean hotel room for 24 hours and not move not think not clean, nothing. Just exist. I can't explain this to my husband. He probably thinks I'm horrible for wanting to get away from the kids. He doesn't spend 24/7 with them like I do. He doesn't get it. I would also love so alone time with him but that will probably never happen again. I don't think he wants that anyway and it would be pathetic to be the only one who wants alone time with her spouse. So I guess zoning out and going blank is my escape and for now and probably the next 18 years or more it will have to work. 

Off topic

I know this is supposed to be a blog about getting healthy. And I guess that includes mental health as well so maybe it's not off topic. Besides it's my blg so I can say what I want! 

Anyway... I have realized that I am insanely jealous of pregnant women who go past 24 weeks. My cousin is adorably 24 weeks pregnant an instead of feeling joy for her I just want to scream that it's not fair. My sister is going to be 24 weeks pregnant in a few weeks and I know it will be the same. All of the people on my Facebook feed who post pictures of themselves past 24 weeks makes me cry. I want to be happy for them and I hope someday I will but right now I'm jut not. All of the horrible memories of James and John and myself almos dying overwhelm me and it's like a fresh wave of ppd hits me. At my cousins baby shower (she was 23 weeks) I kept thinking how that would have been the end of my pregnancy. I even said that to her which I know I shouldn't have because seriously who wants to hear that shit?? 

I just feel so robbed. I see all of these glowing mommys to be lookin all cute and huge and want to cry. I missed out on the wonderful part of pregnancy. Sure I got a few months of sickness and I got the absolute joys of discovering that there were two and that they were boys but nothing else. Instead I got to watch machines and tubes and doctors grow my babies. 

I get insanely jealous when I see moms with new babies. More than anything else I feel the pain of having lost all of those precious newborn moments. I didn't hold my boys till they were a month old and even then holding them required flagging down whatever nurse was on duty and spending 10 minutes positioning the boys where the tubes and wires weren't disrupted. Holding both at the same time was nearly impossible. When the boys cried out of hunger or whatever ther reason at night I was powerless to help. All I could do was stick my hands into a little hole and try my best to sooth them until it was feeding time. I had to come home to an empty nursery. Instead of waking up hourly and being exhausted from doing what most new mothers take for granted I would lay in bed crying for hours then sleep half the day. 

Anyway, seeing pregnant women just sets this off. I may have to learn to stay off of Facebook until I know most of the pregnancies have passed. I feel like such a shitty selfish person 

I am so frustrated with myself right now

My motivation has decided to go back into hiding. This sucks. I'm trying to find it but it's harder because it gets smart and finds new and better places to hide every time I let it slip out of my reach. Dang it. Taking Madison to school is probably

Going to be the best thing I can do. When I take her I'm forced to get dressed and get the boys in the car and let's face it, getting out of the house is the hardest part of any workout. Especially with tree kids involved. Yikes. The problem with that is Madison loves the bus. She has friends that she only sees on the bus. Maybe once it starts getting cold she will appreciate the offer of a nice warm car ride without having to stand in the cold and wait. We will see. As for today I have at least put on a sports bra and yoga pants. So that's a start... Right? I have a doctors appointment Friday. The one that just a few weeks ago I was all pumped about because it would hold me accountable... Ha! Well after a week of not doing a thing except walking one time lets just say I am not looking forward to stepping on that scale. I will be right exactly where I was. Grr. I need to just suck it up and try jogging with the stroller. In the past jogging/ walking has proven to be a miracle worker for me. I'm just scared of hurting my stupid knees again cause my knees are evil and punish me for a lifetime of making them carry too much weight around. So let's see, I haven't been walking or eating right and I don't drink my water. Also I have stopped cleaning up after the boys and just feel blah in general. I feel like I did when the boys were in the hospital. Helpless and hopeless and just lifeless. No clue why. I know post partum depression sticks around for a while. I feel bummed about that because I thought I had it under control. Looks like another thing i feel helpless to. I know I can control it. Just like I know I am in charge of my body and it will do what I tell it to so why can't I tell it to stop being such a lazy piece of crap? 

Oh! On a positive note Walmart had yoga pants on sale for $5! I only bought one pair but still yay! And I broke down and got a haircut! I love it! Woohoo!! 

soooooo slooooooooow

I think my metabolism is gone.  Seriously.  I'm losing weight, but so freaking slowly! In the past whenever I've started back on track the first 10 pounds or so dropped of so fast! Now it's taking forever! Granted I have setbacks and days where I backslide a bit. And I am OLD now so that is probably why.  Anyway, since my most recent heaviest weight of 216 lbs I am now down to 205 lbs! so 11 pounds down and about 45 more to go! Woohoo! Brian is helping me to stay motivated this time.  He is nice about it, and says he just doesn't want me hating myself, but I'm pretty sure it's because he wants me to not be a fat cow anymore.  I don't blame him. The boys and I did a 3 mile walk today and I burned roughly 400 calories.  Again, I think it's more because I am pushing the stroller and those boys are heavy! But I'm happy with that.  I am on track to reaching my first goal of 5% of my total body weight by the end of this month. We have court on the 24th and I would like to go in there at 200 lbs because even though it's still quite overweight I know I will feel better about myself.  Also I have a doctors appointment on the 26th and I would LOVE to see that scale go down about 10 lbs from where it was!! Seeing the numbers going down is more motivation to me than almost anything else.  That's why I weigh myself daily.  Some people swear that's a horrible thing to do, but if I don't I end up sliding and not taking this seriously.  I feel more accountable if I know I will see the numbers every day. As far as eating goes we have been doing much better.  I made sure to record everything I ate this weekend.  In the past I have been bad about only recording on days I do well and skipping the times I do bad. I did eat about 2000 calories on friday, but other than that I kept it under 1500 all weekend.  Yesterday I was right on track at 1200.  I still lost weight over the weekend too. So yay me! Anyway, I feel like I am officially back on track after my 2 year hiatus and can get back to where I was now.  It will inevitably be more difficult as now I have a whole lot more on my plate than I did before, but that will just give that much more pleasure in seeing that I can still do this!

Nothing can derail me faster than that lovely time of the month that all women just love.  Seriously.  I actually tried to control it this time because in the past I just knew better.  It was pointless.  All that led to was more binging. But I'm back now, that's over and time to get back on it. All of the kids are here this weekend. That never helps either.  I don't really have much to say right now just wanted to sit down and write something in hopes of getting re-motivated.  Brian and I had a doctors appointment the other day and I asked the doctor about diet pills.  He basically said I didn't need them and could do it without them.  I get to check in with him in a month so maybe that accountability will help me stick with it.  He also put me on welbutrin.  I've taken it before and it helps with my appetite. A lot. I also started drinking honey with cinnamon and lemon juice in water.  Supposedly that helps with weight loss and all sorts of other ailments! Again, we will see how all this goes.  I know today I haven't been the least bit hungry after drinking that stuff and starting my new medication. Yay! Now to get back to walking, I missed a few days because of the rain and the damn cramps and being sick but tomorrow is a new day and I think after the kids go home tonight I'll do some yoga. I am getting my head back in the right place, it just takes a while.

getting there

I lost 4.2 lbs last week!  REALLY hoping that perhaps I've entered that wonderful state of mind where I am determined and motivated again.  I feel so much better after only one week of healthy eating and daily exercise.  Usually I lay in bed for hours on the verge of tears because my back hurts so bad.  The last few nights I just lay down and fall asleep! Not sure if it's because I'm exhausted or because the pain is getting better but either way I'll take it! I only went of track one time last week.  And it was just one snack, not a whole meal, or a whole day. I believe in the power of a cheat snack! I used to do cheat days.  Those were always bad though. If I wasn't in the right state of mind I would gain just enough weight back on that day to set me off and I would be done.  I would say fuck it and go back to my old ways.  I'm trying really hard to be strict on myself here at first.  I know I wont always keep up such a rigid style but I'm hoping it gets me into the habit. Having Madison in school helps.  I can take the boys for a walk and actually walk fast.  Madison isn't the best walking partner!!

I've also decided to set a new and different kind of goal for myself.  My goal is to burn between 300-400 calories a day right now and build to about 600 per workout.  I know that's probably a lot less than I should aim for, but...baby steps!  Today's walk was 2.45 miles and I burned 350 calories. I have a feeling that's not too accurate though and would love to purchase some kind of fitness monitor that keeps better track for me.

Well, here's to hoping I got this.

stupid girl you can't do this.

I am really annoyed with myself.  It's wednesday.  I have eaten right and worked out every day this week so far ( A whopping 3 days I know) but I won't let myself get excited and feel good about this.  I know in the back of mind that I won't stick with it.  I tell myself that I really wont if I keep the negative attitude but then I also tell myself that it doesn't matter what Ido I can't stick with it.  I tell myself not to get excited because then I will just be embarrassed and let down when I do what I always do and get lazy.  I wish I could allow myself to get excited about what I am trying to do for myself but I just wont let myself do it.  I think this is self hatred at its finest.

random thoughts.

Not sure why I continue to torture myself with this occasional blogging.  Every time I read it I remind myself that I am a failure.  I'm a quitter. And I'm just plain lazy.  I have started, once again, attempting to eat right.  My beautiful little girl started kindergarten.  It is tearing me up inside.  I miss her so much during the day.  I know I haven't always been a stay at home mom with her but it feels like since I have been over the last year I have gotten to know her so much better and she is such an amazing little girl.  She's smart and beautiful and crazy and silly and doesn't give a shit what others think of her.  She's honest and cautious and considerate and just amazing.  Compared to other kids I see she is just about perfect.  She has her flaws...namely her ATTITUDE, and she's a slow mover. But I'll take it. Anyway, her leaving me gives me time to focus on me some more.  The boys are so independent.  Madison always wants my attention, the boys have each other to entertain so unless they are hungry or need a diaper change they don't need me constantly.  I usually have to force them to spend time in the floor with me playing because they would rather be off exploring the house! Also with Madison not home I don't have to make lunch for anyone but me.  The boys eat whatever I eat for the most part.  They are great eaters.  So I am trying to be healthy again. Once I get used to getting up to get Madison ready for school I will hopefully start doing some type of workout before the boys get up.  It didn't happen today even though I was up at 6:00 and the boys weren't up till 9:00.  My lazy butt fell back asleep on the couch until I woke up to the boys crying.  I didn't even mean to.  Just one more example of how I suck. I hate even trying to get pumped up about this because I know I will let myself down and just feel stupid again.  I am not announcing this attempted change to anyone either this time.  Not that anyone would care because if there ever was anyone that listened and cared they would just think to themselves oh great here she goes again.  Wonder how long this will last? I give her a week.  And they are right.  Those are the exact same thoughts I have about myself.  How am I supposed to succeed if I don't even believe in myself?  I need to figure out what I can do different.  I don't want Madison to end up like me.  I don't want her to hate herself and have no confidence at all like I do.  I wish I could say that if I lose weight and was healthy I was be a better role model but I don't even think that is true because even when I was skinny a few years ago I still hated myself. How do I love myself? That's the only love I have NEVER experienced.

I have so far to go

Once again it's back to starting over. I'm at 207.4 and want to get to 200 by the end of next month. I jogged/walked for 5 minutes yesterday and thought I was going to die.  Today I did one set of a strength routine that included squats/lunges/pushups/chair dips and planks and thought and still think I may die within an hour and I'm supposed to do three sets of them! Yeah right! Well I'll get there.  Of course I'm doing this with twins climbing up my legs and a smart ass 10 year old telling me I look funny and that she can do it better.  My reply is no shit you're 10! I hope you're in better shape than a fat 30 year old you punk! Grrr...kids! I'm supposed to be doing this with Jordan but she's too busy on the phone with her boyfriend (imagine that a 14 year old spending the summer on the phone)  Anyway I'm working on it.  My eating isn't the best. At all.  I had poptarts for breakfast and a slice of pizza for lunch.  I had a green smoothie though somewhere in there so that evens it out right? All about balance right? Ha!

208.8

I went up to 213.4 after my surgery. Not really sure why.  Maybe I was retaining water or something. Anyway, on day 2 of being back on track as far as eating right goes and I feel a little better.  I have zero energy though and am way sore all over. I guess still recovering.  I'm still feeling so down and out though.  I just want to be ok again.  Mentally and physically. I can't look at myself.  My stomach is bigger than it was when I was pregnant with twins. I suck

210.4

Why can't I do this?  I was so good yesterday...then when I started making dinner I couldn't control it anymore and I ate every piece of chocolate I could find in the house.  I guess I wasn't that good.  I just didn't eat much during the day. Which led to the binge. I hate myself.

209.8

depressing.  That weight is pathetic and depressing.  It's also depressing getting out summer clothes.  Last summer I wore maternity clothes because I had the boys and the summer before that I was a size 10.  I gave away my maternity clothes and the size 10 wouldn't fit over my head if I tried.  So it sucks.  I'm buying a moo moo and giving up this summer.  Yesterday I ate well during the day then went to dinner with hunter and kayley and pigged out on chicken strips and fries.  Today I've done well but we are limited in what we have in the house so I've had sandwiches and there are a ton of points in the bread so I'm left with like 5 points for dinner.  So I'll go over and tomorrow will still weigh the same if not more.  Maybe I should reverse my plan.  I should strive to reach 300 by the end of the year. Why the hell not. It wont make a difference. I give up on me.  Even if I was skinny I wouldn't be happy with myself and no would else would give a shit if I let myself go more than I already have.

I suck

So here it is April 3 and I'm right back to where I was at almost 210. Seriously what is my problem? I blame it on so many things.  Stress, boredom, exhaustion, PMS, etc... But the damn truth is I just suck. I want to change.  I want to be back to how I was about 2-3 years ago. I loved that feeling.  I felt alive and energized and happy and content.  Now I just loathe myself.  I wear nothing but yoga pants and t shirts trying to cover up the mess I've created but I'm so big now that I can't cover it.  Sometimes I tell myself that there is something wrong, like in my stomach and that's why it's so much bigger than it's ever been...but the problem is I'm putting more food in there than ever before and sitting on my ass more than ever before.  There is no miracle surgery or pill that will fix this. I spent a few minutes this morning writing down yet another (I think I have made one of these monthly for the last 10 years) weight loss goal chart.  I tried to not make it so broad this time or give myself such a strict timeframe.  This time my goal is 5 pounds a month for 10 months.  That would put me at 160. Which is still a little more than I should be but it's 50 pounds and what I weighed at my happiest and healthiest and when I felt my best.  So if I can somehow lose just over a pound a week maybe I can do this.  It sucks being in so much pain all the time from things like constant cramping and backache but losing weigh will help that.  I know that I just wont do anything about it. I worked out today and have eaten much better than usual so it's a start. Again.

What happened??

So January was great....lost about 10 pounds! I was so excited to be under 200 by February.  I'm not even sure what happened but when I didn't hit that goal (I was 201) I lost my motivation.  I suck.  Now here it is February 21 and I'm 204.  So once again I'm telling myself that I will be below 200 by March 1 but I just don't really care that much anymore.  Whatever was causing my sudden burst of motivation was sucked away. I hate myself for letting life get in the way of what makes me happy.  I know the trigger this time was Maddie's complete asshat of a father but that shouldn't derail my life.  Yet I let it. I stopped blogging, stopped eating healthy and stopped working out.  And my mood has been horrible because of it.  I know that what I should do when life gets stressful is continue the healthy trend and that would make me worry less. However, I'm not AT ALL wired to work in any sort of logical rational manner.  Nope! Not me! I have to turn every bad situation into a life changing crisis by overreacting and letting myself worry and eat and get lazy and I sabotage myself completely.  Yesterday it really struck me how lazy I am.  I was laying on the couch on my phone and realized I was asking Maddie to do everything for me.  I had her bring me water. I had her put the clothes in the drier. I had her bring me diapers for the boys. She wanted a drink of milk so I had her bring me the cup and milk and I poured it from the couch.  I didn't want to get up to fix her lunch. I didn't want to get up to get the babies out of bed. I just didn't want to move.  Now I'm not sure this is complete laziness or exhaustion but I do know that if I were to just get off my fat lazy ass then I wouldn't as tired and exhausted all the damn time. I'm useless lately.  Hopefully I can fore myself back into the lifestyle I want for myself.  I know that the beginning is the hardest part and I'm sick of going through the beginning constantly.  That being said...here I begin again. 

Today's meal plan

Breakfast: Egg sandwich (scrambled egg on sandwich thin with 1 oz cheddar cheese and one slice fat free turkey breast) 2 oranges

Lunch: Tuna salad on sandwich thin and baby carrots 

Dinner: Chicken with leftover beans and corn and rice

Snacks: banana, pringles sticks, string cheese

I want to make myself do yoga today.  I want to.  Doesn't mean it will happen.  I know it's an excuse, but the babies never sleep at the same time anymore. And on the rare occasion they do I usually either clean something real quick or sit on my fat lazy ass and do nothing.  I tried talking maddie into guilting me into doing yoga when she sees me not doing anything, but she loves me too much for that! 

Guess that's the blog for today.  James is waking up.

Helpless

Nothing is going right in my life. Everything backfires on me. I'm helpless and hopeless. I'm kidding myself thinking if I lose weight things will be better. 

Today had the potential to be a really bad day healthwise.  We spent much of the day in russellville. Usually that means eating at my parents who never have good healthy stuff or eating out.  We chose to eat out. And we had Vietnamese! Yummy!  I had spring rolls (4 points) and noodle soup (2 points) Breakfast was a good healthy start for the day which probably set me in the right direction.  Omelet with turkey bacon goat cheese, spinach and tomatoes! 7 points! And dinner was a strawberry spinach goat cheese salad! 6 points! I have 11 points left to use for the day but I'm stuffed! Woohoo!

I love my husband!

I woke up this morning with a new subscription to weight watchers! Now some women may be offended by this.  They may think "what the hell is he saying?? I'm fat??" But not me!  He knew how much I've been wanting to rejoin but that I wouldn't ever do it because it's something for me and I don't like to spend money on me.  So he just did it for me! Awesome!  I've already spent way too much time on it today looking through recipes and logging points and reading articles and just remembering how awesome it is!  Yay!!!!! I'm starting at 207 and they give you a 5% weight loss goal. That gives me a goal of roughly 196 pounds.  I'll eventually get around to posting recipes and pictures of my food again.  This morning I had an egg white omelet with spinach mushrooms turkey bacon and goat cheese and OH MY GOD it was amazing!  I am allowed 32 points a day and I remember from before that it will go down as I lose weight.  Breakfast was 7 points (I had a piece of toast with it) I love that fruits and veggies are 0 points too!  I just love weight watchers! Keeping my fingers crossed it goes as great as it did last time!

getting back into it

I've calmed down enough since I last wrote and realized I'm just pissed at myself.  So I got over it. And started.  I'm going on day 3 of being healthy and living my old life style and I'm already feeling 100% better. I downloaded an exercise channel and have been doing yoga again. I've got a long way to go till I'm back to the level I was at, but when I really think about it, it's been nearly 2 years since I was faithfully devoted to it so it's not a big surprise.  I can't believe it's been almost 2 years since I let myself start sliding back into an unhealthy way of living after I felt so good when I was doing it right! I guess that's what new love does to a person! haha! Still in love with my husband that I met almost 2 years ago, but I'm not the same person he fell in love with and I want to be her again.  She was happy and energetic and more confident and sexy! So I'm mostly doing this for me, but let's be real, we all want to look good for our loves! Anyway, I've gone almost completely back to how I was eating on weight watchers.  I should join it again so I can really get back to it, then cancel after the 3 month trial like I did before. I'll see.  Right now counting calories and tracking what I eat and keeping it around 1200 is working.  I've lost 3 pounds since I started 3 days ago! My goal this time around is just to get back into my clothes.  Since I started gaining all the weight back (when I got pregnant) I've pretty much worn nothing but yoga pants and t shirts or sweatshirts.  All the cute clothes and the jeans in my closet are mocking me!  I would LOVE to put on a pair of jeans and look good in them! I know that since I had twins my stomach will never be the same, but I'm ok with that. I just want to be able to wear normal clothes. I want to have energy to play with the boys when they get older.  I want to have energy to keep up with maddie too cause she's a handful! She's starting school this year too. Yikes! Anyway- if I have to put a number on my goal (which I don't) I would say it's 150-160. I've done what I did before and set goals and a timeline, but it's not quite as strict of a timeline this time.  That discouraged me before. Not making a goal at a set time. So this time I would like be down to 170 by the end of may. Then give myself until my birthday to lose that last 10-20 pounds.  Rewards along the way are all about things that will make me feel better in a completely selfish way. Like haircuts and makeovers and spa treatments.  Hell when do I EVER get to do anything that is completely selfish anymore? I think even taking the time to write this blog entry feels selfish cause maddie and the boys are quietly watching tv instead of playing with me.  I guess I should try to get used to it because "me time" or making more time for it at least, is one of my new years resolutions.  My stress level is through the roof at times and it always hits hardest after long periods of no me time.  Which is often.  I'm taking anti anxiety and anti depressants and would love to not need them.  I didn't need them when I was healthy before and I can get there again. I've already began experiencing the benefits of the yoga I've started and feel happy right now! Which may not seem like much but I haven't really felt happy since the boys were born.  The traumatic birth experience followed by months of the babies in the NICU put me into a pretty deep bout of post-partum depression and the post traumatic stress disorder symptoms have gotten worse. I know it drives everyone around me crazy so I have to try to do what I can to stop it.  Maybe concentrating on my health and wellbeing in a way I can control will help push aside and away the stuff I can't control.