Not sure I can do this

overcome my fear of gyms that is.  I have been talking and talking about joining a gym, so today I finally decided I would go and do something about it. I called World Gym, spoke with guy on the phone who seemed nice enough and set up a time to come in and tour the gym...which incidentally when I do join a gym it wont be World Gym..more on that in a minute. Anyway, I get there, can't even pull into the parking lot. Break into a sweat, turn around and head to the next gym on my list...Powerhouse. Same thing, get there, get in a spot this time, then back out and leave. So I head up to Springdale to try out Northwest. I've been there before, know it's old an dlaid back and not full of meatheads, can't even pull in to the parking lot.  My heart started pounding I got nauseated.  It's pathetic! What is wrong with me?? I remember when I joined St Mary's in Russellville at the beginning of the year I felt the same thing.  I got there and turned around and went home. Luckily I had a friend who was meeting me there so I had to go back, and once I joined I was fine and actually loved going daily.  Man I hope that happens again.  This anxiety is insane!  I know it's not a fear of working out at all either, that's the real shitty part.  I love working out really, in a gym, not on my own.  I HATE the feeling that people are looking at me and judging me and thinking why is that FAT girl in a gym! I know this is totally insane and illogical and that no one (at least no one worth caring about) is thinking this.  Most people at a gym are only thinking about and looking at themselves anyway.....I know this but I still just can't do it!  I find myself saying that once I get to a certain weight I will join....now it's "amanda, once you get down 10 pounds you can reward yourself with a gym membership, it's just 10 pounds, wont be too long!"  But that is SO STUPID! I need to join to lose those 10 pounds!! GRRRRRRR

Anyway, I wont be joining world gym when I do get over this stupid social anxiety issue.  I called and when spoke to the night enough guy was told that their fit kids program takes kids 3 and up...so that leaves out poor maddie.  He still tried to get me to come in though! He asked if she was potty trained I said selectively. He said well come in and we'll see what we can do. I asked if they made exceptions and he said no....SOOO he wanted me to come in and join a gym that I wouldn't be able to attend because I couldn't bring my daughter. Doesn't seem too customer friendly if you ask me.  I'm thinking Northwest will be my best bet.  It's relatively inexpensive as gyms go, has childcare for all ages and aerobics, yoga, spinning, etc...are all included.  There is also tanning which I know I should avoid but sometimes it's the only thing that can relax me.

How do I get over this fear of the gym though? I'm stuck! I can not believe that I couldn't even physically walk in the door! I feel like such a loser right now!

Anyway, on a more positive note, breakfast was great today! the Mini Mexican breakfast quiches I made are great! Here's a pic! The recipe was bisquick, butter (I can't believe it's not butter) and some hot water to form a crust, pressed the crust into the bottom of muffin pans. then the filling was black beans, salsa, egg substitute, and some milk.  I filled the muffin cups up and baked at 375 for about 20 minutes.  I topped them with extra salsa when I ate it! These are great! at 2 of them have just 5 points! Yay!

I am so old!

So it's friday night and I have the place to myself. Maddie is with John, I have nothing going on. What do I do? Bake. Yeah. I'm a nerd.  Anyway, I've wanted to make some kinda of little breakfast casseroles for a while now because I am sick of just oatmeal or cereal in the morning but I don't have time to bake in the am with maddie and all. So currently in the over I have Mini Mexican Breakfast Quiches baking away! They smell yummy!  I will post the recipe and pictures later, after I try them and decide if they are worth it or not!

Today's lunch was so good!  I made a chili bake last night, sorta copying a hungry girl recipe, but sorta improvising as well and it turned out great!  I used one can of turkey chili, about 1/2 cup canned diced tomatoes, 1/4 cup canned corn and some chili spices. Mixed it up and poured it in a small square casserole dish. The good part was the topping!  I mixed bisquick with some milk and eggs and dolloped it on top of the chili baked it and voila! Easy chili bake!  YUM!  I had one serving (it made 4) for lunch today and it was hard to stop!

For dinner I ate the salmon burgers I made last night...equally delicious and just as easy! The recipe was just a can of canned salmon, some bread crumbs, egg substitute, garlic and onion powder, parsley, and what I think made it wonderful- the juice and zest of one whole lemon!  After I formed them into 6 patties I put them in a skillet sprayed with some non stick cooking spray and browned them then stored them in the fridge. For dinner I just warmed 2 up and served it with a big salad and was totally satisfied!  Ok the picture sucks, but they were SO good! Definitely a new staple!

I also had at least 5 servings of fruit today and easily 100 oz of water.  I'm getting there! Starting over on the healthy eating thing seems to be easier the second time!

Adjusting is harder than I thought!

Adjusting to life on my own, on a set and fairly strict budget that is.  I have everything, every $ planned and I am so not used to it yet! My food budget for the month of november was set at $50, what did I do today....a week early...went and spent $75 on groceries! Grrr!  Granted it was $75 very well spent being that it was at Aldi and I love that store so much, it's the only place I shop anymore! I didn't really need much, my list consisted of salsa, corn tortillas and bananas. Guess it's true you should never go to the store hungry. Yikes!  Anyway, I got a lot of staples that will last a while and are pretty healthy, whole grain pastas, fruits, veggies, beans, yogurt, juice, boneless skinless chicken breasts....so not too bad! No splurges either!  Nothing that I wouldn't willingly admit to eating! Of course Maddie's required not so healthy items made their way in, but she's 2! Anyway, now I have put myself into a bad situation with the first of the month and not only rent but also Maddie's tuition due, but I think I can make it. If not and I have to dip into savings, lesson learned I hope. Anyway...

Maddie is with her daddy tonight. And I miss her like crazy!  I was excited to have some free time to shop, cook, clean etc...and I will do all that, but I just wish she was here with me! I know she needs to spend time with him, but I want her all to myself!

So since I do have the rest of the week and the weekend to myself here's the plan.  Tonight- cook! I'm making a chili bake with a recipe I found on Hungry Girl's newletter that looks really good and it really low in points! Then I am going to make some salmon cakes.  I may also go ahead and grill some chicken breasts so I can have them ready for salads, quesadillas, whatever.  Very fun night planned.  ha.  Then after the cooking is done it's meal planning time.  I am such a nerd and really enjoy that and take it waaay too seriously as well. It really seems to be the only thing that works for me.  Apparently I have no will power.  Not with shopping and spending my money or with controlling my eating when left alone. So I'll do what it takes!

Tonight's dinner was an improvised one that came about because I didn't feel like making what I had planned...baked tilapia with couscous and veggies.  As good as that would have been it would have taken 30 minutes. I'm lazy. Instead I made a turkey swiss sauerkraut sandwich that was SO good!  At Aldi I bought some sweet german mustard and the sauerkraut.  I guess being october I was craving it who knows, anyway, I threw some fat free turkey lunch meat and a slice of swiss cheese on 2 pieces of toasted whole grain bread slathered it with the mustard and loaded it with the kraut. Then stuck it in a skillet and heated it through! AMAZING, easy, and just 8 points....which oddly enough is exactly how many points I had left for the day!

well I guess that's it for now. Nothing too spectacular tonight.  I recently subscribed to a clean eating newsletter so I may start trying out some new clean recipes and seeing how that goes. Still don't have the balls for the gym...working on it.  They have a promotion now for 6 months free.  Did I mention that before? Anyway, maybe that will do the trick. I have my doubts.  I'll get there.

Oh AND thanks to a co-worker I'm gonna start working on this damn student loan and other debt that I am in.  She gave me the basic Dave Ramsey overview and I'm going to try it out and see how it goes.  So my $75 Aldi splurges may have to stop for real!  I have to start being more responsible with my finances. So far I've been lucky and my parents are very generous but that may not always be the case, they have debt out the dang eyeballs as well! Anyway, I'll write about it as it goes. Gotta try something! I'm hoping to eventually be promoted at work, not anytime soon I am afraid, but anything at anytime would be wonderful!

"Be not afraid of going slowly, be only afraid of standing still"

Do you ever get frustrated because things are moving too slowly in your life? Many people don't realize that building a foundation for success does not happen overnight. It is a slow process in which you are constantly working and learning. After all, that foundation must remain strong, even in times of failure or crisis. This takes time! You may have to remind yourself that "failing" is only failure if you quit; otherwise it's a learning opportunity. So don't worry if your life seems to be moving in slow motion. Concentrate on building a solid foundation and learning from your back steps


This was in my inbox today. I get daily motivational/inspirational quotes and what not.  I needed this one for sure.  I have been so down on myself for what I have felt is a big failure recently. But the fact that I got back on plan and am, slowly, getting back to where I was is something I should be proud of myself for.  It's hard, I am so hard on myself!  I hate knowing that I know how to do something and have the means necessary to do it yet still dont!  I guess I never really failed if failure is really quitting cause there weren't 2 seconds that went by over the last few months when I wasn't conscious of what I was or wasn't eating.  It's CONSTANTLY on my mind, I think that is what kept me from gaining a lot of weight back.  So while I feel I have a major setback to overcome here, apparently, the habits I picked up are really a lot more set than I thought they were.  That seems like a success to me!


Today's food consisted of banana nut steel cut oats for breakfast, and apple and some almonds for a snack, beff veggie soup with rice for lunch, an orange for an afternoon snack, grilled asparagus and whole grain pasta with vodka sauce for dinner and a banana at some point in the day!  I think overall it was a good day.  I have 10 points left I can use, but until I can get some money to go buy some more healthy snack options I will just have to stick with using less points.  The thing that is important to me is I feel food.  I had about 90 ounces of water today, which is probably why I feel so full, but it makes eating less so much easier!  

Still haven't found the courage to join a gym.  I'm shooting for thursday when Maddie is with her dad...excuses excuses I know....

updates

Ok, I redid all of the initial crap, weighing and measuring and all that wonderful torturous crap and here are the results.  Since my initial weigh in (in february) of 225 pounds, I am now at 185.  Since my initial measurements were taken my boobies have gone from 45 to 40, my hips from 45 to 40 and my waist from 39 to 35.  Arms are down 2 inches and thighs down 1.  SOOOO.....while I know that I had been keeping faithful to my original goal and ambitions and whatnot I would be feeling and looking a lot better right, I have to keep in mind where I came from.  So that being said I feel a lot better! Especially since it was around this time last year that I was at my all time heaviest! All of my winter clothes are a touch too big which is wonderful! But it sucks cause I'm poor! Ha!  I guess I know what I will be begging for for christmas this year! CLOTHES!  I made a meal plan for the week. Mostly using the not so healthy foods that I have in my fridge right now.  When I moved in to my new apartment I just bought a lot of convenience foods to get me through and now that seems to be all I have. Storage is pretty tight here though so I need to use it all up then have a fresh start.  I have lots of frozen veggies and whole grain pasta though, so it's not too bad.  Just need more fruits and some lean dairy and I should be fine.  I don't really eat much meat anymore, out of necessity not choice! I'm too poor to buy it!  I have a big bag of frozen tilapia that I am sure I will do lots of experimenting with.  I missed weight watchers recipes so much!!  This is John's week to keep maddie from wednesday night through sunday morning so I am planning on revamping my kitchen while she is away and also touring world gym and deciding if I want to subject myself to the stares and sneers of the fit people of the world yet.  Well anyway, that's all for now.  Just hoping I can get back into the swing of things.  I did great today.  I am allowed 29 points and I think I ended up using 27.  I had low sugar oatmeal for breakfast, some canned soup with some rice thrown in for lunch, a banana for a snack and for dinner a frozen chicken cordon bleu and some grilled asparagus.  So my sodium intake was probably high but I didn't go over on points!  Yay me! Tomorrow will better.

I forgot how to do this!

I just made a big batch of banana nut steel cut oats and they look and smell soooo good I meant to take pictures of it but now it's all put up and stored in the fridge for tomorrow! Crap! Oh well. I will get back in the swing of things!  I will say that since I stopped weight watchers about 5 months ago I have gone from 180 to 185 pounds. Not too bad considering I stopped eating right and exercising basically all at once.  That's how I know weight watchers has worked for me.  If i can keep that much off after stopping then I lost if the right way!  Time to join the gym now. Trying to get myself motivated. The gym I will probably join is notorious for being a meat head gym, but hell I get a state employee discount and it includes childcare, tanning, and yoga classes. Can't beat that for $30 a month right? I'm just trying to get up the nerve to face them all! I HATE gyms. I'm thinking another round of C25K should be included. Might as well pick up where I left off.  Hope my knees will be nice to me this time.

So tired!

I'm so sleepy, so this will be short. I rejoined Weight Watchers today.  I guess I can't do it on my own, yet. Maybe if I do it for a bit longer this time I can do better.  Woohoo!  More later I promise

What is wrong with me??

I just want to eat and I can't stop thinking about food...and not healthy food...I want hot dogs and pizza and hamburgers. What the hell????  I am not eating it but I can't stop thinking about it! Thank God I stocked my kitchen in this new place with mostly stuff you have to actually prepare, and nothing super awful or anything and Maddie is asleep so I can't go buy something.  Still, I bet I am up all night cause I feel like I am starving and wont be able to sleep till I binge on something. This sucks! I hate knowing I am going to fail tonight. Maybe it's time to go back on weight watchers. Not sure I can afford it, but I may not have a choice. Something about that program really worked for me maybe it can again.  Or maybe I should get some dang fruit in this house and hide it from maddie. She eats all the fruit before I get it! I have no energy to do anything either.  The crappiest part of it all...I know exactly what the problem is.  I know I don't have energy because I am not feeding my body what it wants and needs and because I am sitting my lazy butt on the floor with maddie instead of walking and running and playing. It's a vicious cycle I've gotten myself back into getting out may kill me this time around!  I have to!  I'm hoping if I keep telling myself I have to I will.....

I guess I can start with logging my food again

breakfast: bowl of honey nut cheerios with 1/2 cup skim milk
am snack: 12 almonds and 2 pieces of dark chocolate
lunch: serving of pasta with pesto sauce and one small piece of garlic bread
dinner: salad and asian noodle bowl

I also ate a graham cracker and 1/2 of maddie's pop tart.

I see a problem developing already after writing this...I'm NOT eating enough during the day! I am STARVING when I get home and just want to eat everything. Good lord is it really that simple? Geez.  I guess I will attempt to go back to eating some fruit between all meals as a snack and throw in some low fat cheese or yogurt and maybe some whole grain crackers or something.  It worked before I just can't see to remember what I ate while I was on weight watchers!  It wasn't that long ago why can't I remember.  Probably cause I'm old. And fat. Yuck. Oh and I ;ve stopped drinking water, again, not really sure why. I just did.  I really hate that I know how to fix my problem and I wont.  I want someone else to fix me. ha

I feel like such a loser

Why can't I ever get this shit right? I really hate myself sometimes.  I always get to inspired and motivated and do so good then I just stop.  I just read my last post from about 3 months ago and wow I have failed.  I don't work out and my eating...while not as bad as it used to be, is bad again. Blah.  I just moved in to my own apartment, so it's just maddie and me now.  Things at the house I was at were terrible.  I would get home from work and just sit and eat because I was so overwhelmed with the utter chaos and mess at that place.  I lost all motivation to do anything.  There is so much to be said for a clean and peaceful home it really can make your life better. Weird.  It seems I was able to get all my weight off when I was living with my parents, then when I moved back to fayetteville and into a construction zone it jsut stopped.  I don't know if it was because I was able to concentrate on me there and not a mess or what but I know it helped and I am praying that now that I have a fresh start I can do it again.  I know I have to join a gym but I am waiting to make sure I can fit it into my budget.  I know I am going to have to make time to restart healthy habits like preparing lunches the day before and making time for activity I know I am going to have to start meal planning again at night after maddie goes to bed I know all this stuff but I still feel like I am just a big fat loser all over again. All that talk about oooh I'm changed oh I'm healthy oh I can be hot as hell...fucking bullshit.  I hate myself right now.  I hate to change this.  I have to be someone maddie will want to be like and being a fat blob on the couch with a big greasy fried chicken leg hanging out of her mouth is not who I want my little girl to turn into. Something has to snap back like it did before I keep waiting but it wont. I don't know what did it in march I don't know what triggered my change but damn it I HAVE TO FIND IT.  Maybe self hatred but I doubt it.  Damn it. Maybe cussing...or a lack of punctuation. Anyway,  I am going to spend about an hour once I post this and resist going to sleep during this nice thunderstorm and meal plan. Maybe that will help. Maybe not. I gotta try. Blah...again.  That's it.