Blank

So lately I find myself sitting and staring at nothing. A lot. I'll snap out of it and realize the boys are fine but freak out because I didn't really realize I was zoned out. This is sorta really scary. My mind is completely blank and I'm not sure how long it even lasts. I wonder if this is what happens before you officially lose your mind. I think the fact that I never get more than a few minutes of true down time to just relax and not be 100% responsible for at least 2 other lives has taken a bigger toll on me than I care to admit. My birthday is a month from today and all I can think about is how amazing it would be if my present was 24 hours completely to myself. I don't have to do anything. Just sit in a clean hotel room for 24 hours and not move not think not clean, nothing. Just exist. I can't explain this to my husband. He probably thinks I'm horrible for wanting to get away from the kids. He doesn't spend 24/7 with them like I do. He doesn't get it. I would also love so alone time with him but that will probably never happen again. I don't think he wants that anyway and it would be pathetic to be the only one who wants alone time with her spouse. So I guess zoning out and going blank is my escape and for now and probably the next 18 years or more it will have to work. 

Off topic

I know this is supposed to be a blog about getting healthy. And I guess that includes mental health as well so maybe it's not off topic. Besides it's my blg so I can say what I want! 

Anyway... I have realized that I am insanely jealous of pregnant women who go past 24 weeks. My cousin is adorably 24 weeks pregnant an instead of feeling joy for her I just want to scream that it's not fair. My sister is going to be 24 weeks pregnant in a few weeks and I know it will be the same. All of the people on my Facebook feed who post pictures of themselves past 24 weeks makes me cry. I want to be happy for them and I hope someday I will but right now I'm jut not. All of the horrible memories of James and John and myself almos dying overwhelm me and it's like a fresh wave of ppd hits me. At my cousins baby shower (she was 23 weeks) I kept thinking how that would have been the end of my pregnancy. I even said that to her which I know I shouldn't have because seriously who wants to hear that shit?? 

I just feel so robbed. I see all of these glowing mommys to be lookin all cute and huge and want to cry. I missed out on the wonderful part of pregnancy. Sure I got a few months of sickness and I got the absolute joys of discovering that there were two and that they were boys but nothing else. Instead I got to watch machines and tubes and doctors grow my babies. 

I get insanely jealous when I see moms with new babies. More than anything else I feel the pain of having lost all of those precious newborn moments. I didn't hold my boys till they were a month old and even then holding them required flagging down whatever nurse was on duty and spending 10 minutes positioning the boys where the tubes and wires weren't disrupted. Holding both at the same time was nearly impossible. When the boys cried out of hunger or whatever ther reason at night I was powerless to help. All I could do was stick my hands into a little hole and try my best to sooth them until it was feeding time. I had to come home to an empty nursery. Instead of waking up hourly and being exhausted from doing what most new mothers take for granted I would lay in bed crying for hours then sleep half the day. 

Anyway, seeing pregnant women just sets this off. I may have to learn to stay off of Facebook until I know most of the pregnancies have passed. I feel like such a shitty selfish person 

I am so frustrated with myself right now

My motivation has decided to go back into hiding. This sucks. I'm trying to find it but it's harder because it gets smart and finds new and better places to hide every time I let it slip out of my reach. Dang it. Taking Madison to school is probably

Going to be the best thing I can do. When I take her I'm forced to get dressed and get the boys in the car and let's face it, getting out of the house is the hardest part of any workout. Especially with tree kids involved. Yikes. The problem with that is Madison loves the bus. She has friends that she only sees on the bus. Maybe once it starts getting cold she will appreciate the offer of a nice warm car ride without having to stand in the cold and wait. We will see. As for today I have at least put on a sports bra and yoga pants. So that's a start... Right? I have a doctors appointment Friday. The one that just a few weeks ago I was all pumped about because it would hold me accountable... Ha! Well after a week of not doing a thing except walking one time lets just say I am not looking forward to stepping on that scale. I will be right exactly where I was. Grr. I need to just suck it up and try jogging with the stroller. In the past jogging/ walking has proven to be a miracle worker for me. I'm just scared of hurting my stupid knees again cause my knees are evil and punish me for a lifetime of making them carry too much weight around. So let's see, I haven't been walking or eating right and I don't drink my water. Also I have stopped cleaning up after the boys and just feel blah in general. I feel like I did when the boys were in the hospital. Helpless and hopeless and just lifeless. No clue why. I know post partum depression sticks around for a while. I feel bummed about that because I thought I had it under control. Looks like another thing i feel helpless to. I know I can control it. Just like I know I am in charge of my body and it will do what I tell it to so why can't I tell it to stop being such a lazy piece of crap? 

Oh! On a positive note Walmart had yoga pants on sale for $5! I only bought one pair but still yay! And I broke down and got a haircut! I love it! Woohoo!! 

soooooo slooooooooow

I think my metabolism is gone.  Seriously.  I'm losing weight, but so freaking slowly! In the past whenever I've started back on track the first 10 pounds or so dropped of so fast! Now it's taking forever! Granted I have setbacks and days where I backslide a bit. And I am OLD now so that is probably why.  Anyway, since my most recent heaviest weight of 216 lbs I am now down to 205 lbs! so 11 pounds down and about 45 more to go! Woohoo! Brian is helping me to stay motivated this time.  He is nice about it, and says he just doesn't want me hating myself, but I'm pretty sure it's because he wants me to not be a fat cow anymore.  I don't blame him. The boys and I did a 3 mile walk today and I burned roughly 400 calories.  Again, I think it's more because I am pushing the stroller and those boys are heavy! But I'm happy with that.  I am on track to reaching my first goal of 5% of my total body weight by the end of this month. We have court on the 24th and I would like to go in there at 200 lbs because even though it's still quite overweight I know I will feel better about myself.  Also I have a doctors appointment on the 26th and I would LOVE to see that scale go down about 10 lbs from where it was!! Seeing the numbers going down is more motivation to me than almost anything else.  That's why I weigh myself daily.  Some people swear that's a horrible thing to do, but if I don't I end up sliding and not taking this seriously.  I feel more accountable if I know I will see the numbers every day. As far as eating goes we have been doing much better.  I made sure to record everything I ate this weekend.  In the past I have been bad about only recording on days I do well and skipping the times I do bad. I did eat about 2000 calories on friday, but other than that I kept it under 1500 all weekend.  Yesterday I was right on track at 1200.  I still lost weight over the weekend too. So yay me! Anyway, I feel like I am officially back on track after my 2 year hiatus and can get back to where I was now.  It will inevitably be more difficult as now I have a whole lot more on my plate than I did before, but that will just give that much more pleasure in seeing that I can still do this!