This post may not be 100% weight/health related. My new years resolution for 2011 was to lose 50 pounds, I lost 56! But there is still something missing. I can't figure out just what it is. I should be happy. With myself at least. I did something amazing for myself and should be proud. But I'm not. I still feel like a loser. I still feel alone and useless. I thought some weight loss would do me good but that's not what is wrong. It's kinda late right now and I am tired so this may turn into useless rambling but I need to do it anyway. I jsut found out that my ex husband (we divorced years ago and I don't have any kind of feelings for him anymore, haven't in years) he is engaged again. Something about that just hit me the wrong way. I don't know why but it is driving me insane! I have a feeling that it is because I have spent the last 4 years with a man that I thought loved me and wanted to one day marry me. I know now he doesn't and I'm ok with that because I figured out I didn't want that, with him anyway, a while ago. Still, something about the fact that he was able to find someone to love him again and I can't. I feel useless. I am so lonely. I spend the last 2 years living with someone with no feelings involved. We have a beautiful baby girl who I wouldn't trade the world for, but that's all that came from it. Now I feel like I am ready to be with someone who actually loves me and cares about me but at the same time I know it's too soon to even start looking for that. The shitty part is that I feel like I have been single since maddie was born. We were her parents and that's it. We lost whatever "we" had before she was even born and I just want that back. With someone. Not him, it's not going to work that way. RAMBLING. blah. I'm just lonely, I don't have anyone to talk to about this because it bores most people. Most people are happy with their lives so they don't want to hear my depressed bs. I know it's annoying. I'll stop.
I lost weight though. Yay me.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Friday, December 23, 2011
169!!
I should have taken a picture, it was glorious! Friday is my official weigh in day and that scale seriously said 169! AHHHHHH.......Since my goal was 170 and my reward from a haircut, I called and immediately booked it. Heck yeah! I ate breakfast, or else I would go weigh and take a picture as proof. I'm guessing it's a bit over now! MERRY CHRISTMAS to ME! yay!
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
My first big pants picture!
Oh and please disregard the huge mound of laundry in the background....it's clean. Yikes. Could I hire someone to hang my clean laundry for me?
You know you're there when...
A year ago, had I had a day like I had today, tonight would have been different. A year ago I would have came home, cried some, raided the fridge, cried some more, watched some tv, eaten again, then probably gone to bed and cried some more. Today, well I didn't! Instead, after a crappy day (not really sure why it was crappy, nothing happened, I just felt really low) I came home, thought about crying and eating, but instead put on my yoga pants and marched my happy ass to the gym. For dinner instead of going to get some fast food and felt bad about myself after eating it, I warmed up some rice and turkey bacon drizzled with a little low fat dressing (Really good surprisingly) ate it and now not only am I de-stressed but I have the satisfaction of knowing I ended a shitty day on a healthy note. So I guess I have changed. I still have my days where I just want to eat and mope around. Usually brought on by the wonderful time of the month all women love so it's not very often but I have them. I still like fast food, although I rarely eat it. I'm talking maybe once a month...some of that is for financial reasons too but whatever works. It's nice, knowing I have finally changed into a healthy (for the most part) person. Today at work I ate more chocolate than I should have, and I ate cookies (and nothing else yesterday) so maybe I am premature in the bragging thing, but I am improving. I'm still staying well within my daily points on weight watchers and am hovering right at 170...it actually went below it for a bit after a lttle drinking binge this weekend so it doesn't count. What I am really starting to notice, is that when I look in the mirror, sometimes I have to do a double take. I'm not the nasty fat chick I used to see. I still see her, I think I always will. But someone else is there sometimes. Someone who looks healthy and HAPPY. It's gonna be tough, but I think I can get used to her :)
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Leftover magic!
I got home from work starving and didn't really have much in mind other than some chicken and rice but I wanted to make it a little more exciting than that so I raided the fridge for whatever extras I could toss in and came up with one of the tastiest meals I've ever had! Here is it...I'm calling leftover magic (in case the title didn't give it away)
I started with one slice of turkey bacon that I fried till crispy then crumbled. Then I cut up 2 oz of boneless skinless chicken tenderloind and cooked that in the bacon grease till it was done. I set that aside and added a big handful of baby spinach to the same pan and 1/2 cup of rice and cooked that till the rice was warm and the spinach was starting to wilt. Then I threw in the chicken and bacon and put 1 tbsp of a poppyseed dressing in that I have had for months now. A little salt and pepper and cook till everything is good and hot....oh my god! SO tasty! Yum!
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Long time no post
I sometimes forget about this blog because a healthy eating/healthy living lifestyle is just that...a lifestyle. I don't find myself obsessing over little things anymore like I used to. Now, choosing an apple over a cookie is second nature. Going home to fix dinner, even if it's a quick fix like tonight's (more later) instead of running through the drive thru is a no brainer. I don't feel like I should write about all of my new decisions all the time anymore! However, I do still need to update this from time, maybe for emotional reasons more than anything! Since my restarted commitment to a healthy lifestyle I have definitely lost more weight (from 180 down to 172!) and have noticed many other changes as well. Overall, I am happy. I am ore calm. I am content. I still struggle with a lot of things...living on my own with maddie, being her sole provider (basically) it's tough. Money is streeeeeetched super tight and there are days that I have to just watch maddie eat while I attempt to make myself feel full on a few bites of beans and several gallons of water! I feel like I am doing right though. She is happy...she is FAR from starved :) and we are both adjusted. Life is getting easier, less hectic. We have our routine and it works for us. Throwing in the healthy stuff comes naturally. I spend time every night mapping out my meals for the next day...if I have time I will plan for the week when she is at her daddy's and that really helps. I wont lie there have been times I have cried uncontrollably...never in front of her, just when she's gone. Afraid that I am messing up but then I see her and know that we are good. I am letting this post ramble and it's not really on any topic. Sorry! Anyway, long story short...life alone with Maddie is good :) And I have great people in my life...very generous friends at work! Some people are such good hearted giving people and I have always been blessed to have them in my life! Ok...back on healthy eating/living. I have been going to yoga at the gym I joined every tuesday and thursday night and have decided that yoga runs in my family's blood. My sister is great at it and I am just going to go ahead and say I am too! Tonight my instructor was amazed at how flexible I am, and how strong and balanced and all of those other things that make people great at yoga I am! Sorry, we all need to brag on our strengths from time to time! It makes me feel so good to be able to something so well! She asked if I used to be a dancer! hahaha! Me the fat girl! ha! I guess I need to stop thinking of myself as a fat girl though. I mean I still FAR from skinny and I don't think I will ever e what anyone considers skinny. But I am not obese anymore. I'm down from a size 18/20 to a solid 10 bordering on an 8. I guess that is normal. I still feel fat. I still look at myself and see fat. I don't know if this can change. I've NEVER been skinny. The least I even remember weighing was about 160 and I was in the 8th grade I was a size 10 then as well but didn't have the remnants of living creature growing in my belly! So now seeing the scale say I weigh 172, and seeing my size 12 jeans falling....I don't know what to think. It's just a fluke I'm sure. There's no way I can be average! I have to get it through my head somehow that people aren't starting at me cause I am huge anymore. I always feel like when I eat everyone is judging me cause fat girls aren't supposed to eat, but I guess that is my paranoia shining through. Wow. I should stop typing now this is getting so unorganized! So I will write about what I had for dinner and call it a night! Tonight I made quick fried rice! I made a big pot of rice on sunday and use about 1/2 cup a day or so and season it up in different ways. Yesterday I added some ground ginger and curry powder and served it with tilapia seasoned the same way. Very tasty! tonight I cup up 2 oz of chicken breast tenders and pan fried that then threw in some frozen peas and carrots and let it cook through, then I added a cup of rice, seasoned it with soy sauce and when it was all good and fried and hot I threw in an egg and scrambled it! It tasted just like something you'd get from a chinese restaurant! And I think it came to 8 points for the whole very filling meal! I've gotten bad about not eating all of my points. I am allowed 28 I usually stick to around 25. Not always from choice...again the whole money being tight thing...anyway, that's it for now! Maybe next time I write I will think about what I feel like saying first! Oh...I am 2 pounds away from a haircut! It can't come soon enough!! This mop is S heavy! I think if I cut it I may lose the 2 pounds and then some...
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Bagel Sandwich
This was the best breakfast I have had in a while! One mini whole grain bagel, 2 slices turkey bacon, 1/4 cup egg whites and 1 slice cheese served with 1/2 banana and 1/2 cup strawberries. Total points- 6! Also- I have decided turkey bacon is FAR superior to regular bacon and I am dead serious!
Orange-Black bean salad and fish
YUM! this was so good! And so easy! Just saute some onion and garlic in a little bit of olive oil, add some ground cumin then add black beans, red wine vinegar and fresh orange juice. Toss in some Oranges at the last minute and serve! Amazing! I served mine with some pan grilled mahi mahi. One of the best combinations of food I have ever had!
Chicken Enchilada Casserole
mmmmmm....this was awesome and I ate it for at least 4 meals!
Mexican Meatloaf
this was amazing! No clue wha tI put in it, if you want the recipe I will dig it up, it was good though!
Shrimp curry
Mmmm thai food at home!
Spinach strawberry salad with goat cheese and orange balsamic vinegrette
Yummiest salad I've ever made! baby spinach tossed with sliced strawberries, goat cheese, and pistachio nuts. Dressing is orange juice, balsamic vinegar, canola oil, salt and pepper. Very tasty and simple!
Green Monster Smoothie (and Maddie's juice)
milk, fruit and spinach, what's not to love?
Alternative
I almost broke down and got some diet pills. Instead I bought these: some fiber choice tablet things that actually taste really good, and a multi vitamin that supports metabolism. I took them both this morning and have tons of extra energy and do not feel starved! Yay!
Day one, off to a happy start....
Breakfast: 1 whole egg, 1 egg white, half banana, 1 mini whole grain bagel. Lunch: 1 cup progresso light zesty Santa fe soup. Dinner: 3 oz fillet mignon, asparagus, sweet potatoes, and french bread
Beans rice and cornbread, can't go wrong!
1/2 cup pinto beans, 1/4 cip jasmine rice and small slice of cornbread. I like to serve my food in small bowls/plates...I guess the mind trick works for me cause this looked like a ton of food!
My daily breakfast
This is a wonderful and filling breakfast. I make a fruit smoothie (1/2 cup milk with about a cup of mixed fruit, whatever I have on hand) then serve it with some egg whites mixed with whatever veggies I have on hand, and a mini whole grain bagel. the whole thing has 5 pts and I am so full that I don't even think about food till about 5 hours later.
Veggie Pizza
garlic olive oil, then pizza sauce, lots of fresh veggies and CHEESE! Just 4 pts a slice!
Baked Ziti
turkey sausage, bell pepper, onion, diced tomato, frozen peas, lots of herbs, whole grain pasta and cheese. Very easy and yummy! Filling, and there are tons of leftovers!
Day 4
Breakfast: honey nut cheerios and 1/2 cup milk Lunch: 6 piece chickennugget kids meal from Chick Fil A with fruit cup instead of fries and milk to drink Dinner: lean hamburger patty on whole grain mini bagel with tater tots. Picture is of my favorite Sonic drink... a large WATER
the filling for my greek omelet
artichoke hearts, spinach, olives, mushrooms, and tomato! Very tasty!
Made from leftovers!
beans, rice and shrimp in my baja yogurt sauce. Served with corn tortillas. Quite tasty!
Fajita Pork and Pasta
This was sooo good! I'm on a roll with these weight watchers meals! Very easy- 1 onion, 3 bell peppers (green, red and yellow) 1 zucchini a couple carrots cook till tender (seasoned with ground cumin, chili powder and garlic powder) then add some pork (seasoned with the same thing) and heat through. Toss with whole wheat pasta and you're done! I added some garlic in there somewhere too, I think with the veggies. Oh and at the end throw in a can of rotel, it kidna helps hold it all together. Yummy!
Baked Tilapia
Tonight's dinner was so good! I made baked Tilapia- just seasoned both sides of the filet with salt and pepper then covered the tops with a garlic herb blend and fresh lemon juice and broiled for about 10 minutes. Served with orange cilantro black bean salad ( one of my favorite new recipes) and rice! So good!
Day 3
Breakfast: Apple Cinnamon Cheerios with 1/2 cup 2% milk, Lunch: whole grain tortilla with grilled chicken breast and veggie mixture of corn, black beans and brocolli, Dinner: roasted pork loin and apples, green beans, and french bread, snack: peaches and raspberries
Fish Tacos
this was good! I made fish stickes (tilapia with some seasoned flour and bread crumbs) then served it in corn tortillas with a yogurt sauce (plain fat free yogurt, lime juice, chipotle in adobo and salt/pepper) Made black beans and rice for a side dish
Lemon chocken with artichokes and spinach
This was better than it looks, but not much! I think if I had used the capers and fresh spinach the recipe called for it would have been better. Instead I omitted the capers cause I didn't have any and used frozen spinach. the sauce is good though- lemon zest, lemon juice, chicken broth, corn starch and sugar. Season chicken with salt pepper and dill. Mix sauce with artichoke hearts and spinach and serve over chicken. Not bad, but not as good as the rest of the recipes!
Sauted Shrimp and zucchini
Another very good recipe from WW and also very easy. Saute some zucchini in a little olive oil, add shrimp and grape tomatoes. Season with salt pepper and oregano. I served mine with angel hair pasta
Goat Cheese Souffle with fruit salad
Souffle: 3 eggs, seperated, some dill weed, salt and pepper, 1/2 tbs butter and 1-2 oz goat cheese. mix egg yold with dill weed salt and pepper, set aside. In large mixing bowl whip egg whites with electric mixer till soft peaks form (about 2-3 minutes) fold in yolk mixture till combined. Poor into pie dish buttered with 1/2 tbs butter. Crumble goat cheese on top. Place in 400 degree oven for 10 minutes. Eat! Yummy! The whole thing has about 10 points, I cut mine into 4 servings, so this is a nice light breakfast for a few people when served with a good fresh fruit salad- just 3 points!
Mediterranean Chicken
Tangy and tasty!