What is up with Maddie's schedule??

My little girl is taking after her mother's old habits it seems.  She went to bed at 11:00 last night and woke up at 10:30 this morning! Goodness!  It's ok, it made the day fly by! I had planned on going for a 5:30 am cycling class, but I didn't get to bed till 3:30 am, so that didn't happen. Instead I went to the gym at 5:00 pm, FINALLY finished week 2 of the running plan (easily I must say) and then stayed for anhour long yoga class and Ifeel amazing now!  I forgot how much I love yoga! It's so peaceful and relaxing and empowering! So yeah, I had a good day.  Since we slept so late, my meal plan was pretty much thrown off, I just ate a bigger brunch and saved a ton of points, I only used about half of my points today and felt stuffed so I didn't even want to try to eat more.  I know that's not the best thing for me, but everything I did eat was healthy and tasty so whatever!  I also took my measurements today and have shrunk all over!  Go me! My biggest area of shrinkage is of course my beloved breasts. Poor girls, always the first to go. They are down 2 inches! Not really too happy about this, but everything will measure out. My waist is down a little over half an inch, hips down 1 inch, arms down half and inch and thighs down 1.25 inches! It seems like it should be more, but that is better than nothing! I think if I can keep up the running that will help more than anything. Ilove doing other forms of cardio and weights but running is what makes me sweat the most and actually feel like I am doing something. That being said, I have got to find a better bra.  My boobs are killing me. Yuck! Anyway, this post is just rambling, I need to get to bed, I am goin to try,again, to get up at 5 and get to the gym for a class. We'll see!  I have missed sleeping in so much that I amnot sure I can voluntarily get up before maddie now that she is sleeping!

mood swings suck

I swear I can not go 2 days and have the same mood.  Blah!  Today was great! I weighed myself this morning, and was down to 185, which is down 2 pounds from last week.  Weighing at the same time each day once a week works in theory I guess, but not really cause if you go with the idea that your weight is constantly fluctuating then what good does it do you if on the day you weigh yourself you are up, but if you would just wait a few hours you would be down? That is my theory at least, so I will just weigh myself whenever I feel like it, darn it.  I went to the gym this morning to attempt to finish up week 2 of the training program, but my ipod died, so I didn't really have any way of knowing how long to run...I mean I could have kept up with it on the treadmill timer, but what fun is that? So instead I tried to push myself to see how long I could run, an dI made it over 5 minutes! Now I know to most people that is nothing but to me that is huge!  I have never done that before, in mylife! Even in school running the mile was more a of a fast walk for me. So yay me! I still have to finish the second week though, maybe tomorrow then wednesday I will start week 3 and be backon track. I ate very well today, no cheating no splurging or anything, didn't drink enough water,but it's only 7 there's still time for that.  Kinda scares me that today I was in such a good mood, makes me wonder what tomorrow will bring. Yikes

Gotta get back on track

So this week was kinda weak. Yeah, I sucked big time. I didn't stick to my meal plan (I didn't really go over on points- i did use my points plus allowance though) I just ended up eating whatever as long as it fit in my points instead of actually cooking healthy stuff. Probably cause my parents were home a lot more this week. When someone else is helping to watch Maddie it's easy to get off track. Having a strict meal plan in place during the week when it's just the two of us is great cause I don't have to think about what I want to eat, I have it all labeled and ready to go so I stick with it. Also working out was lame this week.  I did alright monday- thursday, then friday I was so tired (and sick to my stomach frommy binge on thursday) that I couldn't move.  The gym didn't have childcare saturday so I didn't go (even though my parents could have watched her) and Ididn't go today cause I am lazy.  SO that being said. Monday at the gym is gonna kick my butt! I am ready to get back on track though.  A one pound weight gain sucks and I don't want to make that a regular occurance! So I just spent the last 2 hours planning my meals for the week (monday-friday afternoon, friday night I will be eating out somewhere) and I am not ready to get this thing started again! Maybe a week of being a wuss and bitching and moaning is what I needed. Who knows.

trying to put everything into perspective

Sometimes it can be so hard to put things into perspective.  I just feel, lately, like the world is against me.  I can't find a job, I cant lose weight (fast enough) I can't seem to make maddie happy, my family life is much less than desirable, and I just feel like a total failure.  I am very much aware that the fact that I have a roof over my head and food in my (fat) belly puts me at the top of the food chain globally speaking, but still...when you are crying at least 5 times a day and can't bear to look at yourself in the mirror, not just because you feel ugly, but becasue you feel like a total failure, it's easy to forget about the people with real problems and just dwell on your own.  I don't know what is missing anymore, but I don't feel complete.  I feel lost and purposeless. I feel like my friends have abandoned my, except for a select few dearly loved ones. I know it's all my fault for having such a bad attitude, but I can't help but feel betrayed.  I like to think that when my friends are hurting I would be there for them, not turn my back on them, but I guess I haven't formed strong enough bonds with anyone for them to feel that way for me.  Story of mylife, I attach to people and people could care less about me. Again, this does not mean everyone, just a few, who have really hurt me lately.  and those of yall that read this aren't the ones I'm talking about, you are all miraculously sticking with me through my endless pity party and I love you for it.  I am in a rut I guess and don't know how to get out of it cause I don't know what rut it is.  Like I said before, maybe it's all superficial and with a new hair cut and a tan, makeup, etc...I would feel better, but I think there is much more to it than that.  I just wish I knew what. :(

Wouldn't it be nice if all the worlds problems could be solved with a good makeover? I'm so shallow it's funny

bad day

the title kinda gives it away huh? Well today sucks.  I have been exhausted beyond belief, almost fell asleep driving through town.  I went shopping to try an dlift my spirits cause on top of being exhausted I've been depressed...probably related to the previous post and my inability to find employment.  So I went to the store to get an outfit for an upcoming much needed girls night out.  Everything I tried on fit, but looked terrible. Not on my body, but cause of my hair and face.  I am so tired that my face has this perpetual red splotchiness and I have big ugly bags under my eyes and just look colorless.  And my hair is beyond help. The color is dull and lifeless and it's way too long and shapeless.  so I thought I might feel better if I went to get it cut, but when I got to the salon I was too tired to go in. So I decided to go get some makeup, but same thing. SO I went back to the store, bought what I wanted, even though I hated looking in the mirror and still felt depressed. So I went back to my old habit. I ate.  I went to Mcdonalds and got a double cheeseburger and a medium order of fries. Needless to say, I am way over my point limit now AND I still feel like crap. I think the stuff that I have set up as a reward may need to happen sooner.  I need to feel better about myself and if  a haircut will do it, then I can do it 5 pounds early. or 7 I guess.  I think that's another thing bothering me.  I haven't lost any weight this week. I know, I need to stay off of the scale, but I just can't do it. I amgoing to be a fat ass this weekend when I weigh in and I know it. at least when the scale moves a little I feel better, even if it's jsut a pound or 2.  I feel like if I go and get a haircut, and maybe tan, I would be a little more at ease with myself.  But why should I? I am fat and ugly and a haircut isn't going to fix it.  I am depressed again. When will this go away?

totally not diet related vent

I am done applying for job with DHS.  I was hired last year, for a temp position and given the impression that I would eventually be able to be hired back on, if not there then somewhere in the state. Well that was a lie.  I have now applied at least 10 times, all over the state and hear the same thing every time. A more qualified applicant has been hired,thanks anyway.  I guess I should have known.  Whatever, bye bye DHS, it was fun trying while it lasted. Not really, but whatever.

couch to 5 K week 2 day 2

Today was much easier than week 2 day 1!  I guess that's the trend...day one of every week sucks, day 2 easier, and hopefully day 3 is a breeze! I also did my weight training today or toning ,or whatever it's called.  I don't like doing that stuff.  All of the old men at the gym seem annoyed when I am on the machine they want.  Silly old men and their muscles

points are silly

so I updated my weight on WW, I have lost 3 pounds this week, it tells me that is too much and I need to lsoe slower.  It also changed my points total, from 31 to 30.  SO they are telling me to eat less, but to stop losing weight so fast.  hmmm....whatever.  30 points is still a ton as far as I'm concerned.  I usually use 29 a day anyway.  Just kinda silly.  since when is 3 pounds a week too much, for someone who has a lot to lose.  I know you are supposed to lose 1-2 lbs a week, but at the beginning isn't more normal? Not that 3 is a lot.  I wish it was more, but I am doing it the right way and that takes time!

below 190!

I had a big weekend planned, well not really big, but one that did not involve sitting at home obsessing over what I was eating, so I weighed myself on saturday knowing I wouldn't be here to weigh myself sunday.  I was 187! Yay!! I haven't weighed myself since then cause I am pretty sure my ice cream sunday night (not just a small serving,but a whole big ol cup full of Andy's frozen custard with hot fudge, oreos, and pecans) may have thrown things off a bit! Anyway, I am good with 187!  This week is going to be great!  I am in week 2 of my c25k training and am so ready!  I did day 1 today, and it was harder than I expected, but still do-able! Last weeks program was 30 minutes a day 3 days a week with 5 minutes of warm up followed by 60 seconds of running/90 seconds walking for a total of 20 minutes, then a 5 minute cool down.  This week it's 5 minute warm up, followed by 90 seconds of running/90 seconds of walking for 20 minutes then 5 minute cool down.  I ran all but about 20 seconds of one round, so I think that is good considering the first day of week one I only ran about 20 seconds total! I also did the weights at the gym today, but not much cause I realized I had no clue what I was doing. so I signed up for a fitness assessment/workout program at the gym tomorrow morning.  My trainer can tell me what to do, I can live with that.  She has the degree in it, not me.  Well, I am tired (I have a sad sleepy little toddler with BAD diaper rash) so I am off to bed, after I post my meal plan for the week.  Nighty night!

Ready for the weekend!

I must annouce that I worked out every day this week!  And will finish the week strong tomorrow with one last workout, before heading up to NWA for the weekend!  I have to go to the house up there and grab some spring clothes since I all I have are sweaters here.  I didn't know I would never be returning to my house there, kinda depressing.  Being in rsvl isn't too bad though, at least I get to workout and eat healthy here. Not that I couldn't do that in NWA, it's just easier here, myparents support me, and eat whatever I cook.  It's so much easier when you have support.  So I finally finished week one of the couch to 5k program, and I must say, it was much easier than I thought.  There were even times, when my 60 seconds of running was up, that I wanted to just keep running cause I was starting to feel confident and like I could do it! I didn't though cause I've read not to overdo it at first, even if you feel you cando more.  So I am gonna stick with the program as much as possible and hopefully in the end I will be a runner! I guess after I can run a 5K I will have to start training for more, but for now, 3 miles seems good enough for me!

I've also done what I have needed to do for a while now and made an actual work out plan.  I figure If I canstick to an eating plan then a workout plan will probably be beneficial too. So I will list it on this page somewhere along with all my other fun little tid bits!

I didn't do too hot on my eating this week, so I am glad I worked out!  It will probably even everything out and I wont lose any weight, but whatever, Ifeel healthier already!  I splurged a few nights ago (the binge I wrote about) and then yesterday I went out for a drink with a friend.  I had a sangria and a large salad.  I only went over about 5 points, but still, that's twice this week that I did that.  I have a plan made out for what I will eat in Fayetteville, and am going to bring food from the house here with me when Igo, but I know some Mama Dean's banana pudding or Whole Hog potato salad is going to be SCREAMING my name....Maybe just a taste??

so strange

I guess yesterday's binge wasn't as bad as I thought.  I weighed myself this morning, to assess the damage and see how much I had screwed up, and much to my (pleasant) surprise....it had gone down! 2 pounds! Now I know that is not really what I weigh and that weight fluctuates (is that spelled even close to right) but it was still nice to see the scale in the 180's the day after I felt like I had ruined it all! To celebrate I ate some oatmeal and went to gym and ran/walked 2 miles!  Now that I think about it, I remember back in my crash/fad dieting days, I would give myself cheat days and I always seemd to lose weight on those days.  I guess it revs up your metabolism or something? Hmmm....I just have to allow myself a few extra points once every couple of weeks I guess! Now that is something I can handle

ugh

I binged BAD tonight.  I just couldn't seem to get full, and it wasn't just hunger, it was something else.  I hate it when that happens.  No amount of telling myself that I wasn't hungry would stop me from eating. I guess we all have those days.  My binge consisted of a weight watchers mint ice cream cone, a cheese cracker, 2 bites of maddie's cheese/corn tortilla roll up, a bite of an almond chocolate candy bar, and finally a banana dipped in melted chocolate and rolled in coconut flakes.  Oh and a few peanuts.  Man.  Writing it out makes me realize how much food that really was.  If I had just eaten something salty when I got the craving I enver would have binged and eaten to much.  Lesson learned.  Damn period.  I always crave chocolate and salty cheesy snacks the first day of my period. At least I know it will pass! This is the first time since I started a month ago that I lost control though, so that is something to be proud of. Looks like someone will be working extra hard at the gym tomorrow! Yippee. 

Oh, my stomach hurts really bad now and I feel like I could throw up at any second...I kinda forgot how crappy it feels to stuff yourself this much. I think I'd rather be hungry that uncomfortably full.

I hate gyms

I joined a gym yesterday!  I went in today for my initial assessment/weigh in/measurements, all that stuff and it sucked!  I learned, again, that real scales and home scales are not the same thing.  So when I weighed myself at home last I weight 190. Today at the gym I weighed 195. Yuck.  I got upset but then realized that when I weight myself at home it's first thing in the morning and naked.  At the gym I am fully clothed and have already eaten and had lots of water.  So I figure it's not really 5 pounds different, probably closer to 3 or so. At least that is what I will tell myself. :) I have been twice now and already feel better about myself.  I am going to bring my ipod and get on the C25K thing starting tomorrow, if I canhandle feeling like all the skinny people are watching me and thinking wow look at that fat girl, she can't evenrun 60 seconds without stopping.  I know they aren't watching me, no one really cares about anyone else at the gym, but I FEEL like it.  I have always hated working out around skinny girls.  Working out around buff guys doesn't bother me a bit, but I would just as soon curl up in a ball and die as I would run on a treadmill next to some teeny tiny cheerleader type. I actually had to force myself into the gym yesterday.  when I pulled up, I saw people (beautiful women) jumping out of the cars and RUNNING into the dang gym.  I started to cry, turned around and went home.  I sat in the car for a minute, texting my friend I was gonna meet there and said I couldn't do it!  She convinced me to go anyway and it was o once I got there. but for a moments the terror overtook all rational thoughts in my head.  I feel like the in shape people look at me and think, go home fat girl, you are wasting our eqipment, no amount of running is going to change you and make you look half as good as me, go home and eat a damn twinkie fatty.  BUT I know they aren't thinking that and I KNOW that the gym IS the place I need to be.  Still, I'm a little crazy, so I can't help but feel like when I walk up those stairs everyone is waiting to laugh at me and make sure I fail. I hate gyms.

FYI

The Weight Watchers Ice Cream Candy Bar is maybe the best "diet" food ever created.  Tastes exactly like an ice cream Snickers bar, but better, cause there's no guilt associated with it.  How did I not know about these things? All of their ice cream treats are amazing, the mint chocolate cones, SO GOOD!  I haven't eaten a bad thing yet from the weight watchers brand actually!

acceptance...reluctantly

so I finally came to terms with the fact that I am a 27 year old law school graduate with a kid...living with her parents.  After a month here, I unpacked my stuff, and am joining a local gym tomorrow.  I am still looking for a job in other parts of the state, as well as here, but there is no use putting off the gym any more. So now maybe I can get serious about training.  Especially since I found out today I will be participating in something called a Warrior Dash in October with some great friends from high school! They are gonna kick my butt into shape if it kills all of us! I found that attempting to walk at the local trails is no use, I run into the stroller cause it's not made for running and trip or knock maddie almost out and have to stop every 10 seconds to pick up her sippy.  I can't learn to run that way.  I am going to look for/purchase running shoes tomorrow. So that will help.  tomorrow is gonna be expensive, thank God for my HUGE unemployment check. So much sarcasm there I am almost drowning in it.  I guess the best perk to living with my parents is it's free so I can afford to do what I need to do to get me back together.

Where did that come from?!

I made my first goal!! Yay!!!  I lost 10 pounds!  Now I have to go find some running shoes like I said I would! I kinda think the whole don't ever weigh yourself, except for weigh in day, doesn't always work.  If I hadn't cheated and weighed myself I wouldn't have stepped it up and lost the weight this week. I'm not saying it's good to weigh yourself daily, but sometimes you need that little wake up call!

a new week starts tomorrow, thank God

This week hasn't been good, not just the weight loss thing, just in general a blah week. So tomorrow is my weigh in and I am not really expecting anything too happy, probably gained a pound or two.  It's ok though, cause I know I ate everything right and even worked out more than I have been.  I guess there's a lot to be said for mental stress hindering weight loss efforts.  My mind wasn't in it and even if I am doing everything right, if I don't think I can, I don't. Lesson learned I guess.  I haven't been good about posting all of my yummy meals on here this week either, but I have been making wonderful food each night and taking pictures, so maybe I can post it later.  Maddie has just been more than a handful this week.  she wont nap and she's waking up in the middle of the night and not going back to sleep for hours.  It's driving me insane!  I guess it takes sleep to lose weight too! I am about to attempt to plan my meals for the week, but all I really want to do is go up stairs and go to bed! I can't wait to have my own room again, sharing a room with Maddie is so much more difficult than I thought it would be.  Every little peep she makes wakes me up, thank God she is a heavy sleeper cause I know I snore! Ok, time to do what I gotta do,  I will post my weight tomorrow, no matter how much I have gained!  EEEEK!

I NEED TO WORK OUT

Man, Ineed to work out.  Dang it.  I am so lazy.  I think I may just start getting up at 5 and trying to run before Maddie wakes up.  The only problem with that is that sometimes she wakes up early!  I have to do something though and running with Maddie, during the day, doesn't seem to work.  I tried it today, but now my back is killing me from stooping over and pushing her. I think I could have actually made in a lot longer had I not been pushing her.  Maybe.  I need to invest in some running shoes too.  But that is my reward for reaching 190 lbs, which I thought would be this weekend, but it seems as though my recent weight gain has put a stop to that, now I have 4 pounds to go instead of 2. Blah. Well anyway, I have to do something.  My meal plan for the next couple of days seems to be suggesting a theme to me, which I did not plan.  I have mojo shrimp tacos, coconut pineapple rice, lots of black beans, cilantro, fish tacos...in short, lots of tropical stuff.  Dang you Megan!  I HAVE to go on vacation!  When I get down to my goal weight (or at least close) I will need somewhere to go to show off my new hot bod, where better than on a tropical cruise?  Or Vegas...AND I will have my skinny fund to spend! Who needs new clothes when you can have pina colada's and little umbrellas?

NEED TO VENT SO BADLY

I am aware that I am attempting to have a positive attitud, but FUCK. I an allowed to have a shitty day and damn it today is one of those and if I want to piss and moan and gripe and cuss and be down on myself then damn it I will and everyone can just get over it and ignore me like everyone else does.  No matter what I do nothing ever goes right. I can't lose weight, I can't find a job, I can't find people who love and support me no matter what my mood, I can't be attractive, I can't be a perfect mother, I can't run, I can't cook, I can't...well I can't do anything.  I can't even freaking whistle or snap my fingers.  Nor can I spell half the time.  Not that it matters, no one cares enough about to me read this STUPID WASTE OF TIME BLOG to even point out my typos.

What the heck?!

I have been doing so good, at least with eating, so I did what I said I wouldn't do and stepped on the scale today.  It's gone up?!  Damn it!!!  What the hell???  Sometimes I just suck.  The scale is going back to it's hiding place and something is gonna have to change this week.  I'm not sure how I will react if I have really gained weight on my weigh in day.

I am so hungry

Sundays seem to be the hardest day for me.  I think it has to do with the fact that it's my weigh in day and since I have been successful each week so far I feel like I should treat myself!  But in the past when that has happened the treats turned back into the norm, and everything went to you know where. So today as I looked into the fridge for the 24th time, I just grabbed a bag of grapes and ate away.  Cause I realized if I didn't I would never be able to eat the good stuff again.  I have got to get to a point where I can control junk food and not let it control me. Till that day comes, fruit, veggies and blogging it is. The grapes were really good though.

Weigh in day!

192! Down 4 pounds since last week, 8 pounds total! Go me!

this is so sad!

Is it sad that I am so excited about breakfast tomorrow that I want to go to bed now just so the time will go by faster?  When did my life get so dull? I really am excited though! My parents went grocery shopping today, and since they only go about twice a year, they really loaded up on the goods. I know I don't like living here, but it does have its perks.  So what if I am almost 30 and living at my parents....ok saying it that way is depressing. Moving on....they bought lots of good stuff!  I will be making omelets with sauteed spinach and mushrooms, tomatoes, canadian bacon and goat cheese!  I might put a bit of avocado on top mixed with some salsa.  Either way, since I use egg whites, the point total comes to about 5 and it is going to be huge!  Dinner is exciting tomorrow too...grilled sirloin steaks with veggie kabobs and a spinach strawberry goat cheese salad.  I think I wrote about that in my previous post or somewhere.  Man!  I need to get to bed so I can get to eatin tomorrow!  I think I have finally embraced my total inner nerd.  What else am I supposed to do? It's a saturday night in Russellville.

TOMORROW IS WEIGH IN DAY TOO!!!!! 

another week down!

So it only took 27 years, but I finally love cooking!  I am still sticking with pretty easy stuff, but I am trying to branch out and make more unique tasty dishes.  Maddie likes most of what I make so that really helps. I still haven't really started exercising.  I don't know why I am putting it off, but I am.  I was visiting the place in fayetteville that I may once again be living in (not my home so I will not call it that) and there is a new hot yoga studio being put in right next door! Literally a 2 minute walk!  I am going to have to check that out, see the prices and all, but I will have to try it at least once! I have been slacking on my posts here, but maddie has been escpecially needy this week, poor little girl! I am trying to stay positive, it's getting hard though.  I have had an interview every week for the last month, and still nothing.  that is really depressing ya know? Oh well, I guess when the right job comes along I will find it, or it will find me one.  Tomorrow is my weigh in day, but I need to stay off the scale throughout the week, because I already know what it will say.  It's good, but it would be so much better to not know and then get that little surprise!  I can not seem to beat my addiction to getting on that damn scale. My thoughts are really scattered today. I have a really good menu planned out for next week, but I am wondering if maybe I should just buy a lot of smart ones meals and not cook for a week. As much as I enjoy it, I think it annoys the hell out of my parents, or maybe it's just me being here in general that bothers them.  I certainly hope they realize this is not where I want to be. Anyway back to the planned menu, it's kinda an international themed week.  I will be making South African sweet rice with raisins and serving it with some kind of grilled chicken, Mediterranean chicken with salad, pizza margherita, and fried rice with shrimp.  That's only 4 meals, but I think one night I may make this cabbage and beef stuff dad makes that he says is really good.  this is a boring post cause I have nothing to say. Can't wait to post my weight tomorrow!!

something is missing

I feel so blah. I am trying to keep a positive attitude, but this whole no job thing is really getting to me.  I have worked since I was 14 and feel so useless without a job.  I know I should be concentrating on how wonderful it is to be with maddie all day every day, but even that is getting to me.  I feel like she needs to be in school learning things that I just don't know how to teach her, like social skills! the poor girl needs to be around kids her age. I don't want her to be shy like me, it's been a struggle that I don't know if I will ever overcome and Idon't want that for her. Eventhe weight loss thing is getting to me.  I am losing, which is good, but I still feel like something is not right. Maybe it's the fact that I know once my income tax money is gone I wont be able to afford food anymore,so I feel like it's just a temporary luxury. to be able to shop for good healthy food and have the time to fix it. I just don't know anymore. Something has to give.  I jsut want to work, just want to bring home some kind of a paycheck.  I don't even care what anymore.  I have a law degree but I may apply to be a janitor.  Not that I would be hired for that unless I left the dang degree out of the picture. Blah.  I guess I am letting my oldnegative thoughts invade my brain today, I am entitled. Once Maddie wakes up I will take her to the park and we will enjoy the sunshine and maybe I can feel positive again. BLAH.