I just want to eat and I can't stop thinking about food...and not healthy food...I want hot dogs and pizza and hamburgers. What the hell???? I am not eating it but I can't stop thinking about it! Thank God I stocked my kitchen in this new place with mostly stuff you have to actually prepare, and nothing super awful or anything and Maddie is asleep so I can't go buy something. Still, I bet I am up all night cause I feel like I am starving and wont be able to sleep till I binge on something. This sucks! I hate knowing I am going to fail tonight. Maybe it's time to go back on weight watchers. Not sure I can afford it, but I may not have a choice. Something about that program really worked for me maybe it can again. Or maybe I should get some dang fruit in this house and hide it from maddie. She eats all the fruit before I get it! I have no energy to do anything either. The crappiest part of it all...I know exactly what the problem is. I know I don't have energy because I am not feeding my body what it wants and needs and because I am sitting my lazy butt on the floor with maddie instead of walking and running and playing. It's a vicious cycle I've gotten myself back into getting out may kill me this time around! I have to! I'm hoping if I keep telling myself I have to I will.....
I guess I can start with logging my food again
breakfast: bowl of honey nut cheerios with 1/2 cup skim milk
am snack: 12 almonds and 2 pieces of dark chocolate
lunch: serving of pasta with pesto sauce and one small piece of garlic bread
dinner: salad and asian noodle bowl
I also ate a graham cracker and 1/2 of maddie's pop tart.
I see a problem developing already after writing this...I'm NOT eating enough during the day! I am STARVING when I get home and just want to eat everything. Good lord is it really that simple? Geez. I guess I will attempt to go back to eating some fruit between all meals as a snack and throw in some low fat cheese or yogurt and maybe some whole grain crackers or something. It worked before I just can't see to remember what I ate while I was on weight watchers! It wasn't that long ago why can't I remember. Probably cause I'm old. And fat. Yuck. Oh and I ;ve stopped drinking water, again, not really sure why. I just did. I really hate that I know how to fix my problem and I wont. I want someone else to fix me. ha
reminder
Do you ever get frustrated because things are moving too slowly in your life? Many people don't realize that building a foundation for success does not happen overnight. It is a slow process in which you are constantly working and learning. After all, that foundation must remain strong, even in times of failure or crisis. This takes time! You may have to remind yourself that "failing" is only failure if you quit; otherwise it's a learning opportunity. So don't worry if your life seems to be moving in slow motion. Concentrate on building a solid foundation and learning from your back steps
My Plan
So I've been going at this weight loss/ healthy lifestyle/ exercise/ love myself shit for years now. Seriously, when will I just get it? I am a quitter and loser. The fact that it's a couple of years later and I'm here starting over is proof positive. I've got a million and half excuses as to why I gained the weight back but not a single one of them matters. I need to do this. I need to push myself and get over the quitter mentality. I've learned that I'm a miserable person when I'm unhealthy. If anything came out of previous success it's that knowledge. Being healthy makes me happy. Simple as that. I have to do this. MY life depends on it.
I am setting a goal for myself of 5% of my body weight at a time. Since I weigh 210 pounds right now, that means 10.5 pounds is 5% of my body weight, I think....math and I have never gotten along very well. I'll try something a little different this time and figure out what 5% of each new weight is too...maybe that will keep me more motivated.
Anyway, as I meet my goals, I plan on rewarding myself! I NEVER reward myself, I wont even buy myself the right kind of shampoo half the time because I hate wasting money on me. But self help is a great thing and something to look forward to. My rewards will always non food items and always something personal.
I will also make a meal plan each saturday night, buy the groceries sunday and stick with it through the week. I will be making Brian do this with me and he will lose more weight than me and I will get jealous but that will not make me quit like it would have in the past. I will be able to fit into my clothes again. I will want to dress up and put on makeup and fix myhair again. I will feel like a human being again. And I WILL learn to love myself FINALLY!
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