Struggling...already

Not with the eating part, that's easy.  I just decide what to eat and eat it and don't think about it anymore, the exercising part is getting to me though.  I just don't have the motivation.  I know that being on my feet chasing Maddie all day is some exercise, but it's not enough and I am so tired that I can't make myself do anything else. I really need to join a gym. One with child care included.  I can't though, not until I know where in the heck I am going to be living for any length of time.  Right now I am in Russellville with my parents, but it's NOT where I want to be.  there are tons of gyms here, but what's the point in joining when I may be leaving in a week? I am hoping to get back to Fayetteville, where I already know what gym I will join.  Maybe then, since I am apparently unemployable, I can fill my days with hours at the gym while Maddie hangs out in the kiddie room.  Walking and trying to make myself do exercise dvd's and stuff on my own just doesn't work for me, it never has.  I can nt push myself to do what needs to be done the way I can in an exercise class or on a treadmill with skinny people surrounding me.

So freakin hungry

I am starving today!  What the heck?  I have eaten the same type of stuff I usually do but I feel like I can't get enough today. I also have zero energy. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.  I am just gonna drown my hunger in water I suppose! I may go over my points value a few today (which is ok cause you are given like 49 extra points a week to use whenever), but more than likely I will just go to bed when maddie does at 8:30.  Being hungry and tired sucks

Weigh in

196! down 4 pounds in 2 weeks!  I am reachingmy goals one pound at a time! Time to transfer $15 more in my skinny fund! (3 pounds this week, 1 pound last week) I rock!

I cheated!!

Have I ever mentioned how much I HATE scales?  I swear I am addicted to them and they just hurt me!!  Tomorrow is my weigh in day, but I just couldn't resist the call of that damn scale. Well sometimes it's a good thing....I will let y'all know tomorrow!! I will just say that I am pretty pleased!  I am starting to think of food in a new way.  Before it was definitely all about comfort and feeling deprived if I didn't eat it, and lots of it.  Now it's more of a necessity.  I eat when I need to, simple as that. And I have felt anything but deprived with this new lifestlye.  Lots of fast overly processed foods left me full but unsatisfied.  Now that I am preparing healthy nutritious meals daily I feel like I am actually achieving something.  I feel satisfied and healthy and seeing Maddie enjoy the food I prepare more than she enjoys chicken nuggets and tater tots brings a joy that is really hard to describe! Yesterday, I got a little hungry between meals so I popped into the fridge to see what we had, and, oddly enough, I litteraly squealed in delight when I found a container of pineapple I had cut up and forgotten about! Now how's that for dorky?!

Motivation outfit?

I know some people have "skinny" clothes that motivate them to lose weight...something that you want to fit into when you reachyour goal.  but what do people like me who have never been skinny do? At my smallest, at least over the past couple years, I was a 12. I think the smallest dress I have in my closet is maybe a 10 cause it is from a store that runs a little large.  Do yall think I should go out and invest in an outfit that I want to fit into by a certain time? I've never done it before, but am a little hesitant!  I think it may be good motivation though. Feedback?

darn you pizza

I was doing so great yesterday, then I took maddie to visit her father.  he had a large thin crust mediteranean pizza that looked so good! I ate 2 slices and it WAS so good!  Olive oil, feta, olives, tomatoes and chicken!  Well, I feel like crap today so I guess I am paying for it! That was my first splurge in 2 weeks so I don't feel bad.  I just jumped right back on the wagon today.  So that is good, cause in the past when I messed up I would have just given up and had whatever I wanted and told myself I would restart in a week or so. Yay me! I can do it this time I know it.

rethinking things

My sissy said if I weighed 120 pounds I would be a twig with boobs.  So I think she is probably right, that may be too much weight for me to lose. A healthy weight range according to WW is 125-155 for me.  SO I am thinking I will shoot for 140 and when I get there if I feel I need to lose 20 more pounds I will. So new plan- 60 pounds, still want to lose it by my birthday in October...the 24th, so actually 8 months exactly from today. 60 pounds in 9 months. That is right around 7 pounds a month so I need to lose about 2 pounds a week. Yay for my very crappy math skills.  I am aware that those are not exact numbers, but they are close enough darn it. Now I need to change my goals/rewards! Woohoo!

gotta get past this

I have been doing this a little over a week now, and my old thoughts are starting to pop into my head.  I have lost a little over a pound and I just don't feel like that is good enough.  I am fighting the urge to get some diet pills, bit I know that they DONT WORK!  Not permanently at least.  I know that if I continue to eat healthy and stay active I will lose it and it will stay off but I am so impatient!  I am praying for strength to stick to this, it's just a little unnerving that this soon into my lifestyle change I am already wanting to go back to my old ways.  I must remember that I have taken pills before and I STILL here fat and unhealthy.  No quick fixes please!

I bought an exercise ball yesterday, today during maddie's nap I am going to make up some kind of routine using it and hopefully make that my daily nap time ritual.  I'm thinking of investing in some type of exercise machine too since some days you just can't get outside.  I also have a resistance band and some 5 pound weights. Surely I can do something with those.

Today's menu: Breakast- honeynut cheerios with 2% milk and a bowl of peaches and raspberries. Lunch- Smart Ones meal and a banana with 1 tbsp peanut butter. Dinner: Roasted Tilapia with Orange Black bean salad and rice. Snack- yogurt and grapes.

I have also started taking a multi vitamin that enhances metabolism.  I was told my a very knowledgeable fitness guru that this one is a good one to take!

I decided to start purchasing The Weght Watchers Smart Ones for lunch.  At around $2.00 a meal they cant be beat as far as the bargain and they are quick and easy, which is a lifesaver being a stay at home mom with a crazy 2 year old running around while I cook!

$

I think for every pound I lose I will put $10 in my savings so when I look HOT later I will have $800 to spend on ME!  Wait....crap, I don't have a job. Hmmm...well maybe for now I will put $5 for every pound I lose then when I have a job I will increase it.  Yup, sounds like a hoot.

energized!

It's so crazy what just a week of healthy eating can do to your mood!  When I started this a week ago I just wanted to sit aaround the house and watch maddie play from the sidelines.  Now I am chasing her cute little booty up and down the driveway, around the stairs, out the back door. EVERYWHERE!  I am putting her on my shoulders and running, lifting her up on my legs, tossing her in the air!  She loves it and I have never been happier! Even when I put her down for a nap it's different.  Before I would get her to sleep, then lay down and take a nap with her.  Now I come downstairs, clean the kitchen or the living room, or whatever needs it, do the blog thing, apply for jobs, play with the dogs, you know...what needs to be done!  Instead of sitting on my (soon to be not) fat butt and then whining later that I don't have time for anything! No wonder no one wanted to be around me, what a bummer I've been!

Today's menu: Breakfast- 2 egg whites whole wheat mini bagel, orange and one cup skim milk.  Lunch- Orange black bean salad (SO good- recipe is at the bottom of the page) with 4 oz grilled mahi mahi. Dinner- not sure yet. I have to go to the grocery store when maddie wakes up and pick up a few things, but I think sweet potato fries may by on the menu, not sure what to prepare with it yet though, maybe a yummy juicy steak?

breakthrough?

Saturday I had a breakdown.  I began to cry uncontrollably, and I did something I have never done before.  I dropped to my knees and prayed.  Not that I haven't prayed before, I do daily, but never have I ever felt compelled to drop to my knees and beg God. I wont say what caused this, just that it was a combination of stress over a job interview and a very eye opening conversation with someone who I once loved.  Seems since then things are looking up.  No real changes.  No job yet, I haven't miraculously lost 100 pounds nor have I resolved the problems with my "significant other" but you know what has changed? Me.  Weird.  Suddenly I am looking at things in a new light.  I became this happy person that was totally unknown to me before.  I know it's only been a few days but this is huge for me. Maybe miss Drama Queen is gone?

Oh...forgot this was a weight loss blog! Figures, I'm so easily distracted!  Anyway, today for breakfast I attempted to choke down the worst combination of food imaginable.  Fiber one cereal (orginal) with frozen raspberries.  I ate maybe 2 bites and was so sick that I didn't even bother trying anything else.  Hmm...maybe that's a good thing? Perhaps this would make a wonderful appetizer? Lunch was much better!  We had some roasted pork loin leftover from a few days ago, I chopped it up and mixed it with some carrots and a hot and sour soup mix..for 8 points.  It was amazing! It's raining now, and maddie is in bed, I think I am going to go outside and watch the rain and try to decide what to make for dinner!

Birthday party and family

Today had the potential to be bad, but I am still early enough to my determined start to stay strong! I went to visit my grandparents with my mom. We stopped at walmart to pick up their favorite meal- fried chicken with all the fattening trimmings, potato wedges, mashed potatoes and mac and cheese.  I got a salad instead! Yay me!  Then I went to my cousin Jan's little boy's birthday party and ate maybe 4 bites of cake, not even close to a whole piece.  I am at 27 points for the day. On a side note- I think I am about to de-clutter.  I am not just going to be getting rid of the extra stuff, I'm thinking the extra people have to go to.  I don't need to surround myself with anything less than what I want for myself. I want to be happy and positive, so I need to surround myself with happy positive people.  Makes sense to me. It's gonna be hard, the first cut is going to be the deepest but I know who needs to go.  I pray for strength.

Long trying days....can really show you what you are made of!

Sometimes all it takes is a good long talk with a trusted loved friend to put things in perspective.  Thanks, I love you!  Day started out blah, interview, feeling ugly, the norm.  But it was ok really. My interview was ok.  I wasn't offered the job, but it was experience. I got to get all dressed up and felt presentable in my suit.  I got to my house in Fayetteville, after a week away, and was greeted by the stench of rotten meat.  Apparently in my absense the power was cut off and everything in the fridge was RUINED!!  At first I wanted to throw my usual fit, cuss, scream, blame the world for cursing me with such crappy luck.  Then I stopped and thought..oh wait, it's a fresh start.  No food means I must go grocery shopping, which means healthy food can now stockthe fridge and freezer! It wont be cheap, but hell what is?

I HATE INTERVIEWS

So I am headed to fayetteville for my 500000th interview today.  I am so sick of this.  My tiny little bit of self confidence is dwindling and it's cause I keep hearing the word NO.  All of these people out there, with no education whatsoever have these great jobs and are living perfectly happy while here I am, with a damn law degree, and can't find shit. I cuss a lot. Deal. I think I am going to start leaving that off of my resume.  (the law degree, not the cussing) On a positive note....my anxiety level is so high cause of the interview that I can't touch food today.  I made myself eat a small bowl of cheerios for breakfast and am going to eat a cup of vegan tomato basil soup for lunch. On a point scale, I am at 8 points for the day.  I think I will probably do what I always do when I am upset after my interview fails...fast food.  Except today I am smart about it.  I planned it already. Chick Fil A.  Kids meal.  6 piece nugget, fruit cup, and milk.  Total points- 11! 

Here we go!

Ok...this is so hard but I might as well get over it and put it out there.  I weight 200 pounds.  EEEK!  I HATE my weight.  It's so disgusting.  I have struggled with it my entire life. I have tried EVERYTHING.  Every diet pill out there, every fad diet you can imagine, every get thin quick scheme anyone has EVER thought of, I've tried it. I've even done it the right way, eating healthy and exercising, but that just wasn't fast enough.  Where did it get me? HERE! Blogging about how fat and unhappy I am! HA! The only thing I have never tried, is taking my struggle totally public.  I'm not holding anything back. Everything I eat I will post, every missed workout, up it goes, every failure, every success, every pissed off moment of potential sabotage...BLOGGED! I want..no NEED to lose 80 pounds. I am miserable.  I hate looking at myself in the mirror.  I wear the same clothes every day because nothing but t shirts and pajama pants fits me anymore. I don't bother putting on makeup or fixing my hair, because honestly, who cares? Who is going to look at me and see that I tried to look decent? People look at me and see a fat lazy ugly slob who can't pull herself away from the damn table long enough to shower. Let them. I don't care. And THAT is why I am doing this.  I DO NOT want to feel like this anymore.  I have never had confidence, I want it.  I want to love myself. I want Maddie to have a mommy she can look up to not one she will try to keep hidden from her friends like a dirty secret. Anyway, I guess that's it for today. Yippee!

hesitant start...

well I kinda sorta started this, but I am not feeling like blogging right now.  Maybe when Maddie goes to bed and I have 5 seconds to think! Wish me luck!