I knew this weekend would be bad, but geez! I lost all control! I don't even have a clue how much I ate between saturday morning and the cadburry egg I ate about 3 minutes ago, butI am sure it is more points/calories that I am supposed to eat in an entire week. And I feel it too. I feel AWFUL! No energy, nauseated, headache, crappy mood, the works. My body is telling me to eat an apple but I keep reaching for maddie's easter basket! I know what it is at this point....I have gone so overboard and I know I wont after tonight so I keep letting myself eat more and it's just not good, but I CAN NOT STOP! This weekend was a painful reminder of how I used to eat on a daily basis. Or maybe a good reminder, maybe it's good to feel like this way to remind myself that I am not sacrificing when I chose grilled fish over a greasy hamburger. In the moment, sure I am, but I've learned there's more to it than that. For me, my life works better with planning, and thinking about what I am doing, not living in the moment (when it comes to eating) and going with whatever makes me happy then. I have a history of depression and trying to cover it with food, obviously it didn't help. What has helped, and made me happier than usual in the past few months has been being good to myself! I know I've told a lot of people this, but I struggled with an eating disorder when I was a teenager. For years I would jsut eat what I want, then throw it all up. So even now, when I catch myself binging and out of control in the back of my mind there is still a tiny little voice telling me...go ahead, eat and don't stop, you can just go throw it up and start over and it's no big deal. And honestly, this weekend, I came REALLY close to doing just that. Friday night something snapped. I could not stop eating. I don't know what all I ate because I litterally had no control over it. Finally I calmed down and realized what I was doing and what I was planning on doing and stopped myself. That set the tone for the whole weekend. It's ok, it's a new week, and even if I gained a few pounds, after a few days of being back on track the damage will be mostly reversed and I should be fine! In the past this weekend would have ended the whole process...GLAD to be over that! It's so nice to know I can do this from time to time and not let it derail me.
Ok enough of that. I need to go the store and just buy some easy fresh healthy stuff for this week that doesn't take much prep time, I am losing steam when it comes to preparing meals every night. Not sure why...I love cooking and makig new stuff, but I guess I am just getting burnt out. Who knows.
Anyway, I am also going to try to start running again this week, my knees aren't really hurting anymore, so maybe they will be ok. I will probably start back on week 3 or so though and work my way back up one day at a a time. I am also really needing to step up my cardio routine (besides assing running back in) I need to force my butt to go to a step class or cardio combat class or soemthing. I am terrified of those classes so avoid them and take the easy way out by going to yoga or pilates (that I LOVE) but I know I would benefit so much from a really good hard cardio class! 2 weeks till Maddie's birthday and I need to be a hot mama! :) Still trying to talk myself into a 5 am class....still throwing my phone at the wall everytime it goes off at 4:45 and going back to sleep. Maybe one day
reminder
Do you ever get frustrated because things are moving too slowly in your life? Many people don't realize that building a foundation for success does not happen overnight. It is a slow process in which you are constantly working and learning. After all, that foundation must remain strong, even in times of failure or crisis. This takes time! You may have to remind yourself that "failing" is only failure if you quit; otherwise it's a learning opportunity. So don't worry if your life seems to be moving in slow motion. Concentrate on building a solid foundation and learning from your back steps
My Plan
So I've been going at this weight loss/ healthy lifestyle/ exercise/ love myself shit for years now. Seriously, when will I just get it? I am a quitter and loser. The fact that it's a couple of years later and I'm here starting over is proof positive. I've got a million and half excuses as to why I gained the weight back but not a single one of them matters. I need to do this. I need to push myself and get over the quitter mentality. I've learned that I'm a miserable person when I'm unhealthy. If anything came out of previous success it's that knowledge. Being healthy makes me happy. Simple as that. I have to do this. MY life depends on it.
I am setting a goal for myself of 5% of my body weight at a time. Since I weigh 210 pounds right now, that means 10.5 pounds is 5% of my body weight, I think....math and I have never gotten along very well. I'll try something a little different this time and figure out what 5% of each new weight is too...maybe that will keep me more motivated.
Anyway, as I meet my goals, I plan on rewarding myself! I NEVER reward myself, I wont even buy myself the right kind of shampoo half the time because I hate wasting money on me. But self help is a great thing and something to look forward to. My rewards will always non food items and always something personal.
I will also make a meal plan each saturday night, buy the groceries sunday and stick with it through the week. I will be making Brian do this with me and he will lose more weight than me and I will get jealous but that will not make me quit like it would have in the past. I will be able to fit into my clothes again. I will want to dress up and put on makeup and fix myhair again. I will feel like a human being again. And I WILL learn to love myself FINALLY!
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assing is apparently my new word for adding. Just so you know. :)
ReplyDeleteHahahahaa I knew what assing meant... Is that bad?!? I've been terrible this weekend myself and can't wait to hit the gym tomorrow after work! I'm up to a mile on the eliptical in 8min and gonna keep pushing myself a little more each time I go. Last wednesday Lisa and I did the Zumba class, or atleast 30in of it lol, and it was a blast. We were afraid to go in and look like idiots but we weren't the only ones who looked retarded hah! I thought I'd be the fattest girl in there and was dreading it, but I wasn't even close! Made me feel a little better about myself... That might sound bad but it's true. wish you were up here so we could be gym buddies!! Miss you bunches!!! I gotta get off my lazy chocolate eating ass and clean the kitchen and get some laundry going before I call it a night. Back on track tomorrow with ya doll!! Love ya!!!!
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