blah

This post may not be 100% weight/health related.  My new years resolution for 2011 was to lose 50 pounds, I lost 56! But there is still something missing.  I can't figure out just what it is.  I should be happy. With myself at least.  I did something amazing for myself and should be proud. But I'm not. I still feel like a loser. I still feel alone and useless.  I thought some weight loss would do me good but that's not what is wrong.  It's kinda late right now and I am tired so this may turn into useless rambling but I need to do it anyway.  I jsut found out that my ex husband (we divorced years ago and I don't have any kind of feelings for him anymore, haven't in years) he is engaged again.  Something about that just hit me the wrong way. I don't know why but it is driving me insane!  I have a feeling that it is because I have spent the last 4 years with a man that I thought loved me and wanted to one day marry me.  I know now he doesn't and I'm ok with that because I figured out I didn't want that, with him anyway, a while ago.  Still, something about the fact that he was able to find someone to love him again and I can't.  I feel useless. I am so lonely.  I spend the last 2 years living with someone with no feelings involved.  We have a beautiful baby girl who I wouldn't trade the world for, but that's all that came from it.  Now I feel like I am ready to be with someone who actually loves me and cares about me but at the same time I know it's too soon to even start looking for that.  The shitty part is that I feel like I have been single since maddie was born. We were her parents and that's it.  We lost whatever "we" had before she was even born and I just want that back. With someone. Not him, it's not going to work that way.  RAMBLING.  blah. I'm just lonely, I don't have anyone to talk to about this because it bores most people.  Most people are happy with their lives so they don't want to hear my depressed bs.  I know it's annoying.  I'll stop.
I lost weight though. Yay me.

169!!

I should have taken a picture, it was glorious!  Friday is my official weigh in day and that scale seriously said 169!  AHHHHHH.......Since my goal was 170 and my reward from a haircut, I called and immediately booked it.  Heck yeah!  I ate breakfast, or else I would go weigh and take a picture as proof.  I'm guessing it's a bit over now! MERRY CHRISTMAS to ME! yay!

My first big pants picture!

this is totally the cliche weigh loss picture, and I'm loving it!  Granted, these ARE sweatpants.....at this time last year these things were tighter than leggings!  I'm kinda proud of myself...sorry if it's coming across as bragging! :)

Oh and please disregard the huge mound of laundry in the background....it's clean.  Yikes. Could I hire someone to hang my clean laundry for me?

You know you're there when...

A year ago, had I had a day like I had today, tonight would have been different.  A year ago I would have came home, cried some, raided the fridge, cried some more, watched some tv, eaten again, then probably gone to bed and cried some more.  Today, well I didn't!  Instead, after a crappy day (not really sure why it was crappy, nothing happened, I just felt really low) I came home, thought about crying and eating, but instead put on my yoga pants and marched my happy ass to the gym.  For dinner instead of going to get some fast food and felt bad about myself after eating it, I warmed up some rice and turkey bacon drizzled with a little low fat dressing (Really good surprisingly) ate it and now not only am I de-stressed but I have the satisfaction of knowing I ended a shitty day on a healthy note.  So I guess I have changed.  I still have my days where I just want to eat and mope around.  Usually brought on by the wonderful time of the month all women love so it's not very often but I have them.  I still like fast food, although I rarely eat it.  I'm talking maybe once a month...some of that is for financial reasons too but whatever works.  It's nice, knowing I have finally changed into a healthy (for the most part) person.  Today at work I ate more chocolate than I should have, and I ate cookies (and nothing else yesterday) so maybe I am premature in the bragging thing, but I am improving.  I'm still staying well within my daily points on weight watchers and am hovering right at 170...it actually went below it for a bit after a lttle drinking binge this weekend so it doesn't count.  What I am really starting to notice, is that when I look in the mirror, sometimes I have to do a double take.  I'm not the nasty fat chick I used to see.  I still see her, I think I always will.  But someone else is there sometimes.  Someone who looks healthy and HAPPY.  It's gonna be tough, but I think I can get used to her :)

Leftover magic!

I got home from work starving and didn't really have much in mind other than some chicken and rice but I wanted to make it a little more exciting than that so I raided the fridge for whatever extras I could toss in and came up with one of the tastiest meals I've ever had!  Here is it...I'm calling leftover magic (in case the title didn't give it away)

I started with one slice of turkey bacon that I fried till crispy then crumbled.  Then I cut up 2 oz of boneless skinless chicken tenderloind and cooked that in the bacon grease till it was done.  I set that aside and added a big handful of baby spinach to the same pan and 1/2 cup of rice and cooked that till the rice was warm and the spinach was starting to wilt. Then I threw in the chicken and bacon and put 1 tbsp of a poppyseed dressing in that I have had for months now.  A little salt and pepper and cook till everything is good and hot....oh my god! SO tasty!  Yum!

Long time no post

I sometimes forget about this blog because a healthy eating/healthy living lifestyle is just that...a lifestyle.  I don't find myself obsessing over little things anymore like I used to.  Now, choosing an apple over a cookie is second nature.  Going home to fix dinner, even if it's a quick fix like tonight's (more later) instead of running through the drive thru is a no brainer.  I don't feel like I should write about all of my new decisions all the time anymore! However, I do still need to update this from time, maybe for emotional reasons more than anything!  Since my restarted commitment to a healthy lifestyle  I have definitely lost more weight (from 180 down to 172!) and have noticed many other changes as well.  Overall, I am happy.  I am ore calm. I am content.  I still struggle with a lot of things...living on my own with maddie, being her sole provider (basically)  it's tough.  Money is streeeeeetched super tight and there are days that I have to just watch maddie eat while I attempt to make myself feel full on a few bites of beans and several gallons of water!  I feel like I am doing right though.  She is happy...she is FAR from starved :)  and we are both adjusted.  Life is getting easier, less hectic.  We have our routine and it works for us.  Throwing in the healthy stuff comes naturally.  I spend time every night mapping out my meals for the next day...if I have time I will plan for the week when she is at her daddy's and that really helps.  I wont lie there have been times I have cried uncontrollably...never in front of her, just when she's gone. Afraid that I am messing up but then I see her and know that we are good.  I am letting this post ramble and it's not really on any topic. Sorry!  Anyway, long story short...life alone with Maddie is good :)  And I have great people in my life...very generous friends at work!  Some people are such good hearted giving people and I have always been blessed to have them in my life!  Ok...back on healthy eating/living.  I have been going to yoga at the gym I joined every tuesday and thursday night and have decided that yoga runs in my family's blood.  My sister is great at it and I am just going to go ahead and say I am too!  Tonight my instructor was amazed at how flexible I am, and how strong and balanced and all of those other things that make people great at yoga I am!  Sorry, we all need to brag on our strengths from time to time!  It makes me feel so good to be able to something so well!  She asked if I used to be a dancer!  hahaha!  Me the fat girl! ha!  I guess I need to stop thinking of myself as a fat girl though.  I mean I still FAR from skinny and I don't think I will ever e what anyone considers skinny. But I am not obese anymore.  I'm down from a size 18/20 to a solid 10 bordering on an 8.  I guess that is normal.  I still feel fat.  I still look at myself and see fat.  I don't know if this can change.  I've NEVER been skinny.  The least I even remember weighing was about 160 and I was in the 8th grade I was a size 10 then as well but didn't have the remnants of living creature growing in my belly!  So now seeing the scale say I weigh 172, and seeing my size 12 jeans falling....I don't know what to think. It's just a fluke I'm sure.  There's no way I can be average!  I have to get it through my head somehow that people aren't starting at me cause I am huge anymore.  I always feel like when I eat everyone is judging me cause fat girls aren't supposed to eat, but I guess that is my paranoia shining through.  Wow. I should stop typing now this is getting so unorganized!  So I will write about what I had for dinner and call it a night!  Tonight I made quick fried rice!  I made a big pot of rice on sunday and use about 1/2 cup a day or so and season it up in different ways. Yesterday I added some ground ginger and curry powder and served it with tilapia seasoned the same way. Very tasty! tonight I cup up 2 oz of chicken breast tenders and pan fried that then threw in some frozen peas and carrots and let it cook through, then I added a cup of rice, seasoned it with soy sauce and when it was all good and fried and hot I threw in an egg and scrambled it!  It tasted just like something you'd get from a chinese restaurant!  And I think it came to 8 points for the whole very filling meal!  I've gotten bad about not eating all of my points.  I am allowed 28 I usually stick to around 25.  Not always from choice...again the whole money being tight thing...anyway, that's it for now! Maybe next time I write I will think about what I feel like saying first!  Oh...I am 2 pounds away from a haircut!  It can't come soon enough!!  This mop is S heavy!  I think if I cut it I may lose the 2 pounds and then some...

It's hard to get excited about this anymore

I stepped on the scale this morning and much to my shock and great pleasure the number on the scale MUCH lower than expected considering the bott....errr....glass of wine that I consumed last night. 174.2!!! I am aware that that is still fat and I have a loooong way to go until I am considered a normal weight but in my book that is AWESOME! As I have mentioned before my body loves being 180 pounds.  I can practically do nothing at all and I will stay pretty close to 180.  When I have managed to make it to 175 or below in the past....well that's where I stayed. It never gets below it. EVER. And if it it does it's for about a day till it goes back up. So while I am super excited that I made it below 175 (which in the last probably 10 year has only happened a handful of times) I am also cautious of becoming too happy because I know from experience it doesn't last.  This seems to be the lowest my body will allow me to get. So I have to figure out something to trick this fat piece of crap into lowering more.  Since I was quite happy I made a really good tasty breakfast- one egg sunny side up sprinkled with some salt pepper and dill, on top of a mini whole grain bagel with 1/2 ounce of goat cheese.  I also made an old favorite that I haven't had since my earlier weight watcher days....a green monster smoothie. So good!  One cup of milk, one banana, a handful of frozen strawberries (just strawberries, no added sugar) and 2 big handfuls of baby spinach.  It's so good I forogt how much I enjoyed them! I guess they are added back to my staple list.
Today's plan are to go out and buy a new outfit to celebrate this rare occasion.  Not really on my reward list but I've been down on myself lately and yes retail therapy does help. After that I planned on running some, doing some weights, tanning (I know it's bad) then goin to church to cuddle with my babies.  I'm really trying to contain my excited over the number on the scale and stay level headed here... I'm waiting on 170 so I can get this big curly MOP cut off of my head and look human!!!

I ran with no pain!!

Yay!!!  I joined the gym a week ago....with every intention of actually going this week. Well it didn't happen. Excuses excuses excuses....such as cold, tired, hungry...blah blah blah.  Mostly I was still afraid of the pain.  I got over the fear of joining but still had the fear of re-injuring myself so I didn't go.  Well I went today. I almost didn't because I can't find my ipod and that is how I kept up with the whole c25k thing but then I realized that was just another stupid excuse and if I didn't get my head right this was never going to happen. So I went to thy dang gym! I was the ONLY person there!! I love it!  I walked on the treadmill for about 10 minutes a pretty brisk pace just to warm up then just went for it...and I RAN!  Woohoo!!  I ran about 7 minutes without stopping...which for me is great!  All together I ran/walked 30 minutes and went about 3 miles. Again I know this isn't much for most people but I was proud of myself!  And you know what...not a bit of pain in my knees!  Thank GOD!  Tomorrow I'm hoping to get maddie and myself ready by 10 am to make it to Zumba.  One step at a time here!  I'll get back into a normal workout routine soon enough!

Day off!

I have the day off today (Thanks Veteran's!) and realized I haven't posted in about a few days!  So thoughtI would change that...It's still early in the day but so far as far as my eatin' goes I'm doin great!  Breakfast was wonderful! I warmed a corn tortilla in a pan with some cooking spray to make it good and crispy then spread a wedge of the laughing cow light creamy swiss on that, topped it with some smooshed up black beans that I seasoned with a bit of ground cumin, put some salsa on top of that and topped it off with a fried egg.  I guess it was just huevos rancheros but it was SO good!  And only 5 points!  I left my yolk good and runny so everything mixed together nicely and it was quite tasty! I took a picture and I guess I will post it but I am becoming very embarrassed with the quality (or lack of) my pictures.  I am just going to have to purchase a decent camera on black friday I think...and keep it away from my mom and her drinks. Anyway, the plan for the rest of the day off is to clean, eat healthy and hit the gym. If I can motivate my butt to get up off the couch!

Knees don't fail me now please!

I'm starting the C25K program again today and I am terrified!  I know I am 50 pounds less than I was when I started the first time but the pain I got when my knees popped and I fell on that dang treadmill is still so fresh and clear in my mind and I am SO hesitant to get in there and go again.  I couldn't walk for practically a week after that....I didn't have a job though and so it wasn't that big of a deal to sit around the house with ice on my knees.  Now I do. yikes.  I'm SO SCARED!!!!!  I'm going to do it though, I will just have to start even slower that before I guess.  I only made it to week 4 last time before my dang injury knocked me out of the game.  That's not very far.  I hope I can do this.  I have 100% confidence in my ability to follow a healthy eating lifestyle, it's the active part that gets me every time.  I start off so good then something happens and I slowly fall off track, which eventually leads to falling off track with eating as well.  I am just praying that this time it's different.  I loved going to they gym everyday before i hurt myself, maybe that habit will come back fast this time. Anyway, here is my workout schedule, of course the timing depends on little Miss Maddie's mood....but she may just find her angry butt in the kids room whether she likes it or not.
Monday: c25k 30 minutes weight machines 20 minutes (6:00)
Tuesday: Yoga at 6:30
Wednesday: C25K 30 minutes weights 10 minutes (go after work since I have church on wednesday at 6:30)
Thursday: Yoga at 6:30
Friday C25K and Weights
Saturday: Zumba at 10:00
Sunday rest

Chances are Wednesday will end up being a no workout day because to make it work I will ahve to go straight to the gym from work then after working out get maddie then get her home and make dinner before 6:30. It's doable for sure, but there will be days it wont happen!

Oh, last night I have a really bad binge.  I got home from church and ate 2 mini pizzas (the really small ones not that personal size) so it was half a serving, then I ate en entire bag of cinnamon apple chips. They were SO good!  If I only had a few as a snack then it wouldn't have been so bad but I ate more than a few.  I also proceeded to eat some grilled veggies, baked chicken and corn tortillas.  What the hell?  Anyway I know why I did it, I was not good an spacing my points yesterday. I had a big breakfast, a tiny lunch and a normal size but super early dinner.  I had to be at church by 4:30 and knew I wouldn't be home till 8:00 That wont happen again.  I'll just have to figure out something I can take and eat at church.  I went way over my points yesterday...like 40 points over due to my binge.  I have been good about controlling those lately I guess last night was bound to happen at some point.  My body was craving something and when I couldn't figure out what it was i just kept eating.  I think I was craving meat. I never eat it anymore, some chicken or fish occasionally but rarely.  I can't afford anything else! I need to figure out how to get more protein....eggs I guess? Well that's it. I need to get my butt ready for work and I hear Maddie stirring! Good day!

It's all coming back!

I guess one week of completely healthy eating (well almost a week...5 days) helped me get back into the habit and find the courage I needed to join that pesky gym!  Yay!  I joined Northwest Athletic Club.  It's old. It stinks. It's full of muscle-y men who just want to look at themselves and hog the equipment.  BUT..it's a gym!  It has what I need, it has classes, it has a treadmill, it has weights.  IT HAS FREE CHILDCARE.  Can you see what I truly excited about? That's really what made my decision.  World gym is about the same price but doesn't have child care for kids maddie's age!  Poor Maddie!  So I went with the good old ghetto gym. There is a pool so that will be nice at least.  Anyway, I'm exited about it and am currently in the process of making my workout schedule.  I will make one, but I am sure it will change as I see what works best for Maddie and myself.  I'm not sure if I should go straight there after I pick her up or try to go home and get her fed first.  It's really up to maddie.  I paid the membership, I'm going! They have yoga classes on tuesday and thursday nights at 6:30 so I am pretty sure I will end up taking maddie home to get her fed and then go, I feel horrible just taking her straight from daycare to childcare...poor girl!  They also offer Zumba! I have never done a real Zumba class, I did one for a while at WOW that I loved but it was just partly zumba-like with other stuff mixed in. So I am excited about that one, it's also offered at a time that would allow me to take maddie home first and spend some time with her before I dump her off on someone else.  It's sad, but I guess in the long run it will be worth it.  She will get in the habit of going to the gym from an early age and when she is old enough to join me she can and then she hopefully wont get to the point that I continuously find myself at.  MAybe she can start healthy and stay healthy. I already have pretty good eating habits established with her.  She mostly wants fruit.  She loves pasta and chicken and veggies.  She's not much of a water drinker. I try, but she wants juice, so I water her juice down quite a bit. She takes her vitamin every day (it HAS to be the purple one...I'm not sure what I will do with the pink and orange ones when all the purple are gone) She is a kid though, and of course loves the usual, chicken nuggets, hot dogs, etc....she doesn't like chocolate much and never asks for sweet stuff. I'm so proud of my little dumpling!  I know it's a totally different story when she stays with her dad, but I can't do anything about it and it's not worth stressing myself out over.  She is also active. She likes to go outside and watch the ducks, or run around kicking a ball.  She doesn't sit still to watch tv for very long and when she is watching it she is usually running circles around my couch!  That was a lot to say just to say that Maddie seems to be catching on to our healthy lifestyle. I love her so much!  She is the best little girl anyone could ever ask for and absolutely the reason I am making myself healthy.

Yummy New Recipe!

I get emails with easy healthy recipes and usually I read them, think oh that looks good, then delete it!  Anyway, I got one for poached eggs and pasta, read it and since I had all the ingredients (and it involved goat cheese) I gave it a try! SO good!  Here it is!
2 oz whole grain penne pasta
1/2 cup marinara sauce
1 egg
1 oz goat cheese
brocolli/spinach/zuchini....whatever veggies you have on hand, I had brocolli

Boil the pasta (duh)
while pasta is boiling put sauce in small saucepan and bring to a simmer, crack the egg in and cover and cook till the egg is as done as you want ( I let the whites cook and that's about it, love runny yolk) when everything is done throw it all together and eat!  I put one cup of  steamed broccoli in a bowl, crumbled the goat cheese in it, added the hot pasta then poured the sauce on top.  When I broke into the egg and the yolk oozed out and mixed with the cheese it made the BEST SAUCE ever!  This is for sure a new staple item!

Here's a picture...I REALLY need a camera.

Goat Cheese

Is it weird to devote an entire post to a single food?  When it's goat cheese...nope!  I love this stuff!  It's so rich and creamy and tangy and just down right tasty!  One of my splurges last month, when I had money, was a little tube of goat cheese.  I didn't know what to do with it, I just knew I liked it!  Well now I know...you eat the stuff with pan fried (in cooking spray) polenta and a dab of pesto sauce!  I am not sure, but I may venture to say that this may be the best tasting thing I have ever made! And it is so simple!  The polenta and the pesto were also splurges last month. Seems last months recklessness may not turn out to be so bad after all.  One serving of polenta with an ounce of goat cheese and tablespoon of pesto only set me back 6 points!  It was so good too! And filling!  I took a picture, but it doesn't do it justice.  The creamy cheese mixed with the grainy but creamy polenta with the oily pesto....it sounds so gross really, but it was PERFECT!  I wish I was more poetic and could describe it better! haha! Anyway, wish I could take credit for this creation, but I googled it (after I had already decided to try the stuff together ) and discovered it's a commom combo....I had never heard of it before! So I am going to take credit for it anyway! Yum! I rock!  Ok there's my entry on an appetizer. Sorry, I'm done now!!

A New Month and some New Motivation!

Since my birthday (a week ago) I've been bad!  It's always so hard this time of year....my birthday starts it all off...usually cheesecake is involved.  Then a week later it's Halloween.  Of course I have to eat all the peanut butter candy for Maddie's sake, we don't want another ER visit in our history.  So then of course comes november which of course is Thanksgiving, and since the eating will be so indulgent on that day why not make the whole month bad...we can start over in December. Of course we all know what happens in December...and I also think it's the month in which more people are feeling generous with their baking skills than any other month and there is bound to be some type of treat at the office nearly ever day holiday parties, etc...good lord!  Anyway before you know it, it's Jan 1 an dyou are 20 pounds heavier and having to start all over and join a gym with the masses and then of course if you know about my phobia of gyms you know that there is no way in hell I am joining when EVERYONE does...I need some provacy! Blah!  So I just decided this year to change it. That simple.  I indulged last week, not it's over. Until Thanksgiving.  Then it's over again, until Christmas.  No in between indulgences not this year.  It's those little treats and nibbles and splurges that will keep me in this god awful body if I don't just quit.  I know how to do it. I know I have the willpower. I just have to tap into it.  I took some pictures of myself, and they were TOTALLY unflattering and NASTY. I do not have the courage to put them on here yet, but they definitely made it clear to me what needs to the most work. Namely my non existent backside and my flabby white arms.  SO GROSS. Anyway,  I made my meal plan for the week and will post it somewhere..more for my benefit than anything, but this is kinda fun to write about it all.  I am trying to just use the food that I have in the house from the splurges last month and not buy anything else for the first couple of weeks of november, other than fresh fruit and veggies.  This month is tight budget wise and I am afraid that I may not be able to handle it I spend even $20 on groceries!  I know it will get easier the longer I stay here by myself and the more I get used to budgeting my money but right now it sucks!  I have however completely cut fast food out of my diet!  Not only does it make you fatter it makes you feel bloated and lethargic AND it costs way too much money.  Even the $menu isn't worth it when you can go home and eat a meal that costs closer to  35 cents.  So I am trying to be smart about this whole situation.  In addition to a health makeover I'm working on my money makeover.  I want to be able to save more and I have some specific goals in mind, but I'm still working on the plan before I start getting into details.  This is kinda fun, reinventing myself and whatnot. Who knows, maybe I can be someone worth loving again one day

Not sure I can do this

overcome my fear of gyms that is.  I have been talking and talking about joining a gym, so today I finally decided I would go and do something about it. I called World Gym, spoke with guy on the phone who seemed nice enough and set up a time to come in and tour the gym...which incidentally when I do join a gym it wont be World Gym..more on that in a minute. Anyway, I get there, can't even pull into the parking lot. Break into a sweat, turn around and head to the next gym on my list...Powerhouse. Same thing, get there, get in a spot this time, then back out and leave. So I head up to Springdale to try out Northwest. I've been there before, know it's old an dlaid back and not full of meatheads, can't even pull in to the parking lot.  My heart started pounding I got nauseated.  It's pathetic! What is wrong with me?? I remember when I joined St Mary's in Russellville at the beginning of the year I felt the same thing.  I got there and turned around and went home. Luckily I had a friend who was meeting me there so I had to go back, and once I joined I was fine and actually loved going daily.  Man I hope that happens again.  This anxiety is insane!  I know it's not a fear of working out at all either, that's the real shitty part.  I love working out really, in a gym, not on my own.  I HATE the feeling that people are looking at me and judging me and thinking why is that FAT girl in a gym! I know this is totally insane and illogical and that no one (at least no one worth caring about) is thinking this.  Most people at a gym are only thinking about and looking at themselves anyway.....I know this but I still just can't do it!  I find myself saying that once I get to a certain weight I will join....now it's "amanda, once you get down 10 pounds you can reward yourself with a gym membership, it's just 10 pounds, wont be too long!"  But that is SO STUPID! I need to join to lose those 10 pounds!! GRRRRRRR

Anyway, I wont be joining world gym when I do get over this stupid social anxiety issue.  I called and when spoke to the night enough guy was told that their fit kids program takes kids 3 and up...so that leaves out poor maddie.  He still tried to get me to come in though! He asked if she was potty trained I said selectively. He said well come in and we'll see what we can do. I asked if they made exceptions and he said no....SOOO he wanted me to come in and join a gym that I wouldn't be able to attend because I couldn't bring my daughter. Doesn't seem too customer friendly if you ask me.  I'm thinking Northwest will be my best bet.  It's relatively inexpensive as gyms go, has childcare for all ages and aerobics, yoga, spinning, etc...are all included.  There is also tanning which I know I should avoid but sometimes it's the only thing that can relax me.

How do I get over this fear of the gym though? I'm stuck! I can not believe that I couldn't even physically walk in the door! I feel like such a loser right now!

Anyway, on a more positive note, breakfast was great today! the Mini Mexican breakfast quiches I made are great! Here's a pic! The recipe was bisquick, butter (I can't believe it's not butter) and some hot water to form a crust, pressed the crust into the bottom of muffin pans. then the filling was black beans, salsa, egg substitute, and some milk.  I filled the muffin cups up and baked at 375 for about 20 minutes.  I topped them with extra salsa when I ate it! These are great! at 2 of them have just 5 points! Yay!

I am so old!

So it's friday night and I have the place to myself. Maddie is with John, I have nothing going on. What do I do? Bake. Yeah. I'm a nerd.  Anyway, I've wanted to make some kinda of little breakfast casseroles for a while now because I am sick of just oatmeal or cereal in the morning but I don't have time to bake in the am with maddie and all. So currently in the over I have Mini Mexican Breakfast Quiches baking away! They smell yummy!  I will post the recipe and pictures later, after I try them and decide if they are worth it or not!

Today's lunch was so good!  I made a chili bake last night, sorta copying a hungry girl recipe, but sorta improvising as well and it turned out great!  I used one can of turkey chili, about 1/2 cup canned diced tomatoes, 1/4 cup canned corn and some chili spices. Mixed it up and poured it in a small square casserole dish. The good part was the topping!  I mixed bisquick with some milk and eggs and dolloped it on top of the chili baked it and voila! Easy chili bake!  YUM!  I had one serving (it made 4) for lunch today and it was hard to stop!

For dinner I ate the salmon burgers I made last night...equally delicious and just as easy! The recipe was just a can of canned salmon, some bread crumbs, egg substitute, garlic and onion powder, parsley, and what I think made it wonderful- the juice and zest of one whole lemon!  After I formed them into 6 patties I put them in a skillet sprayed with some non stick cooking spray and browned them then stored them in the fridge. For dinner I just warmed 2 up and served it with a big salad and was totally satisfied!  Ok the picture sucks, but they were SO good! Definitely a new staple!

I also had at least 5 servings of fruit today and easily 100 oz of water.  I'm getting there! Starting over on the healthy eating thing seems to be easier the second time!

Adjusting is harder than I thought!

Adjusting to life on my own, on a set and fairly strict budget that is.  I have everything, every $ planned and I am so not used to it yet! My food budget for the month of november was set at $50, what did I do today....a week early...went and spent $75 on groceries! Grrr!  Granted it was $75 very well spent being that it was at Aldi and I love that store so much, it's the only place I shop anymore! I didn't really need much, my list consisted of salsa, corn tortillas and bananas. Guess it's true you should never go to the store hungry. Yikes!  Anyway, I got a lot of staples that will last a while and are pretty healthy, whole grain pastas, fruits, veggies, beans, yogurt, juice, boneless skinless chicken breasts....so not too bad! No splurges either!  Nothing that I wouldn't willingly admit to eating! Of course Maddie's required not so healthy items made their way in, but she's 2! Anyway, now I have put myself into a bad situation with the first of the month and not only rent but also Maddie's tuition due, but I think I can make it. If not and I have to dip into savings, lesson learned I hope. Anyway...

Maddie is with her daddy tonight. And I miss her like crazy!  I was excited to have some free time to shop, cook, clean etc...and I will do all that, but I just wish she was here with me! I know she needs to spend time with him, but I want her all to myself!

So since I do have the rest of the week and the weekend to myself here's the plan.  Tonight- cook! I'm making a chili bake with a recipe I found on Hungry Girl's newletter that looks really good and it really low in points! Then I am going to make some salmon cakes.  I may also go ahead and grill some chicken breasts so I can have them ready for salads, quesadillas, whatever.  Very fun night planned.  ha.  Then after the cooking is done it's meal planning time.  I am such a nerd and really enjoy that and take it waaay too seriously as well. It really seems to be the only thing that works for me.  Apparently I have no will power.  Not with shopping and spending my money or with controlling my eating when left alone. So I'll do what it takes!

Tonight's dinner was an improvised one that came about because I didn't feel like making what I had planned...baked tilapia with couscous and veggies.  As good as that would have been it would have taken 30 minutes. I'm lazy. Instead I made a turkey swiss sauerkraut sandwich that was SO good!  At Aldi I bought some sweet german mustard and the sauerkraut.  I guess being october I was craving it who knows, anyway, I threw some fat free turkey lunch meat and a slice of swiss cheese on 2 pieces of toasted whole grain bread slathered it with the mustard and loaded it with the kraut. Then stuck it in a skillet and heated it through! AMAZING, easy, and just 8 points....which oddly enough is exactly how many points I had left for the day!

well I guess that's it for now. Nothing too spectacular tonight.  I recently subscribed to a clean eating newsletter so I may start trying out some new clean recipes and seeing how that goes. Still don't have the balls for the gym...working on it.  They have a promotion now for 6 months free.  Did I mention that before? Anyway, maybe that will do the trick. I have my doubts.  I'll get there.

Oh AND thanks to a co-worker I'm gonna start working on this damn student loan and other debt that I am in.  She gave me the basic Dave Ramsey overview and I'm going to try it out and see how it goes.  So my $75 Aldi splurges may have to stop for real!  I have to start being more responsible with my finances. So far I've been lucky and my parents are very generous but that may not always be the case, they have debt out the dang eyeballs as well! Anyway, I'll write about it as it goes. Gotta try something! I'm hoping to eventually be promoted at work, not anytime soon I am afraid, but anything at anytime would be wonderful!

"Be not afraid of going slowly, be only afraid of standing still"

Do you ever get frustrated because things are moving too slowly in your life? Many people don't realize that building a foundation for success does not happen overnight. It is a slow process in which you are constantly working and learning. After all, that foundation must remain strong, even in times of failure or crisis. This takes time! You may have to remind yourself that "failing" is only failure if you quit; otherwise it's a learning opportunity. So don't worry if your life seems to be moving in slow motion. Concentrate on building a solid foundation and learning from your back steps


This was in my inbox today. I get daily motivational/inspirational quotes and what not.  I needed this one for sure.  I have been so down on myself for what I have felt is a big failure recently. But the fact that I got back on plan and am, slowly, getting back to where I was is something I should be proud of myself for.  It's hard, I am so hard on myself!  I hate knowing that I know how to do something and have the means necessary to do it yet still dont!  I guess I never really failed if failure is really quitting cause there weren't 2 seconds that went by over the last few months when I wasn't conscious of what I was or wasn't eating.  It's CONSTANTLY on my mind, I think that is what kept me from gaining a lot of weight back.  So while I feel I have a major setback to overcome here, apparently, the habits I picked up are really a lot more set than I thought they were.  That seems like a success to me!


Today's food consisted of banana nut steel cut oats for breakfast, and apple and some almonds for a snack, beff veggie soup with rice for lunch, an orange for an afternoon snack, grilled asparagus and whole grain pasta with vodka sauce for dinner and a banana at some point in the day!  I think overall it was a good day.  I have 10 points left I can use, but until I can get some money to go buy some more healthy snack options I will just have to stick with using less points.  The thing that is important to me is I feel food.  I had about 90 ounces of water today, which is probably why I feel so full, but it makes eating less so much easier!  

Still haven't found the courage to join a gym.  I'm shooting for thursday when Maddie is with her dad...excuses excuses I know....

updates

Ok, I redid all of the initial crap, weighing and measuring and all that wonderful torturous crap and here are the results.  Since my initial weigh in (in february) of 225 pounds, I am now at 185.  Since my initial measurements were taken my boobies have gone from 45 to 40, my hips from 45 to 40 and my waist from 39 to 35.  Arms are down 2 inches and thighs down 1.  SOOOO.....while I know that I had been keeping faithful to my original goal and ambitions and whatnot I would be feeling and looking a lot better right, I have to keep in mind where I came from.  So that being said I feel a lot better! Especially since it was around this time last year that I was at my all time heaviest! All of my winter clothes are a touch too big which is wonderful! But it sucks cause I'm poor! Ha!  I guess I know what I will be begging for for christmas this year! CLOTHES!  I made a meal plan for the week. Mostly using the not so healthy foods that I have in my fridge right now.  When I moved in to my new apartment I just bought a lot of convenience foods to get me through and now that seems to be all I have. Storage is pretty tight here though so I need to use it all up then have a fresh start.  I have lots of frozen veggies and whole grain pasta though, so it's not too bad.  Just need more fruits and some lean dairy and I should be fine.  I don't really eat much meat anymore, out of necessity not choice! I'm too poor to buy it!  I have a big bag of frozen tilapia that I am sure I will do lots of experimenting with.  I missed weight watchers recipes so much!!  This is John's week to keep maddie from wednesday night through sunday morning so I am planning on revamping my kitchen while she is away and also touring world gym and deciding if I want to subject myself to the stares and sneers of the fit people of the world yet.  Well anyway, that's all for now.  Just hoping I can get back into the swing of things.  I did great today.  I am allowed 29 points and I think I ended up using 27.  I had low sugar oatmeal for breakfast, some canned soup with some rice thrown in for lunch, a banana for a snack and for dinner a frozen chicken cordon bleu and some grilled asparagus.  So my sodium intake was probably high but I didn't go over on points!  Yay me! Tomorrow will better.

I forgot how to do this!

I just made a big batch of banana nut steel cut oats and they look and smell soooo good I meant to take pictures of it but now it's all put up and stored in the fridge for tomorrow! Crap! Oh well. I will get back in the swing of things!  I will say that since I stopped weight watchers about 5 months ago I have gone from 180 to 185 pounds. Not too bad considering I stopped eating right and exercising basically all at once.  That's how I know weight watchers has worked for me.  If i can keep that much off after stopping then I lost if the right way!  Time to join the gym now. Trying to get myself motivated. The gym I will probably join is notorious for being a meat head gym, but hell I get a state employee discount and it includes childcare, tanning, and yoga classes. Can't beat that for $30 a month right? I'm just trying to get up the nerve to face them all! I HATE gyms. I'm thinking another round of C25K should be included. Might as well pick up where I left off.  Hope my knees will be nice to me this time.

So tired!

I'm so sleepy, so this will be short. I rejoined Weight Watchers today.  I guess I can't do it on my own, yet. Maybe if I do it for a bit longer this time I can do better.  Woohoo!  More later I promise

What is wrong with me??

I just want to eat and I can't stop thinking about food...and not healthy food...I want hot dogs and pizza and hamburgers. What the hell????  I am not eating it but I can't stop thinking about it! Thank God I stocked my kitchen in this new place with mostly stuff you have to actually prepare, and nothing super awful or anything and Maddie is asleep so I can't go buy something.  Still, I bet I am up all night cause I feel like I am starving and wont be able to sleep till I binge on something. This sucks! I hate knowing I am going to fail tonight. Maybe it's time to go back on weight watchers. Not sure I can afford it, but I may not have a choice. Something about that program really worked for me maybe it can again.  Or maybe I should get some dang fruit in this house and hide it from maddie. She eats all the fruit before I get it! I have no energy to do anything either.  The crappiest part of it all...I know exactly what the problem is.  I know I don't have energy because I am not feeding my body what it wants and needs and because I am sitting my lazy butt on the floor with maddie instead of walking and running and playing. It's a vicious cycle I've gotten myself back into getting out may kill me this time around!  I have to!  I'm hoping if I keep telling myself I have to I will.....

I guess I can start with logging my food again

breakfast: bowl of honey nut cheerios with 1/2 cup skim milk
am snack: 12 almonds and 2 pieces of dark chocolate
lunch: serving of pasta with pesto sauce and one small piece of garlic bread
dinner: salad and asian noodle bowl

I also ate a graham cracker and 1/2 of maddie's pop tart.

I see a problem developing already after writing this...I'm NOT eating enough during the day! I am STARVING when I get home and just want to eat everything. Good lord is it really that simple? Geez.  I guess I will attempt to go back to eating some fruit between all meals as a snack and throw in some low fat cheese or yogurt and maybe some whole grain crackers or something.  It worked before I just can't see to remember what I ate while I was on weight watchers!  It wasn't that long ago why can't I remember.  Probably cause I'm old. And fat. Yuck. Oh and I ;ve stopped drinking water, again, not really sure why. I just did.  I really hate that I know how to fix my problem and I wont.  I want someone else to fix me. ha

I feel like such a loser

Why can't I ever get this shit right? I really hate myself sometimes.  I always get to inspired and motivated and do so good then I just stop.  I just read my last post from about 3 months ago and wow I have failed.  I don't work out and my eating...while not as bad as it used to be, is bad again. Blah.  I just moved in to my own apartment, so it's just maddie and me now.  Things at the house I was at were terrible.  I would get home from work and just sit and eat because I was so overwhelmed with the utter chaos and mess at that place.  I lost all motivation to do anything.  There is so much to be said for a clean and peaceful home it really can make your life better. Weird.  It seems I was able to get all my weight off when I was living with my parents, then when I moved back to fayetteville and into a construction zone it jsut stopped.  I don't know if it was because I was able to concentrate on me there and not a mess or what but I know it helped and I am praying that now that I have a fresh start I can do it again.  I know I have to join a gym but I am waiting to make sure I can fit it into my budget.  I know I am going to have to make time to restart healthy habits like preparing lunches the day before and making time for activity I know I am going to have to start meal planning again at night after maddie goes to bed I know all this stuff but I still feel like I am just a big fat loser all over again. All that talk about oooh I'm changed oh I'm healthy oh I can be hot as hell...fucking bullshit.  I hate myself right now.  I hate to change this.  I have to be someone maddie will want to be like and being a fat blob on the couch with a big greasy fried chicken leg hanging out of her mouth is not who I want my little girl to turn into. Something has to snap back like it did before I keep waiting but it wont. I don't know what did it in march I don't know what triggered my change but damn it I HAVE TO FIND IT.  Maybe self hatred but I doubt it.  Damn it. Maybe cussing...or a lack of punctuation. Anyway,  I am going to spend about an hour once I post this and resist going to sleep during this nice thunderstorm and meal plan. Maybe that will help. Maybe not. I gotta try. Blah...again.  That's it.

time for (another) recommitment

Yup.  Again.  I didn't totally give it up this time, but I haven't been working out. At all. I blame it on the heat.  Always gotta have something to pin it on.  I have done pretty well well with my eating.  I accepted long ago that this is a new lifestyle and my old way (fast food, constant snacking, fat heavy nasty shit) o eating is long gone.  I didn't stick with a workout routine long enough for it to stick though I guess.  Time to restart C25K!  Hopefully being a little lighter this time around will make it easier on my knees. that was definitely what did me in last time. One stupid little knee injury and like a big baby I just quit! I have to join a gym though, running in this heat is OUT OF THE QUESTION.  I'm not suicidal or anything! I want to run not pass out and die from heat exhaustion! Anyway,  I don't have a choice bt to chagne something. I got rid of my fat clothes and have lots of cute almost skinny clothes!  I don't have the money to buy more fat clothes! I haven't gained any weight, so I know when I get to the weight I want to be how to maintain it! I'm not going to lie, my eating hasn't been as good as it was.  I do eat a little more fast food from time to time and I am not eating as many fruits as veggies as I should. However, for the most part, I am still the picture of healthy eating! Yay me!  Adding some movement back into my routine should jump start the weight loss again! I'm excited to get back on track!  I love thinking of how HOT AS HELL I will look when I lose another 30 pounds or so!  ;) I'm still shooting for that Warrior Dash in October by the way....I have plenty of time to train right? EEK!

CONFESSION

so I was just reading over some old posts on here and saw what I had posted as my starting weight...yeah that was a bunch of BS. I was 225 in December.  225!  Now I am 179.  I'm happy with it :)

I gotta get through this!!!

Hi!!  So I haven't posted in a looooong time!  I know, shocker! Anyway...still no internet connection at the house so I just get online from time to time at local coffee shops and what not. Anyway, as far as my weight loss/diet/lifestyle/ etc goes....it's going!  I was doing great! I finally made it below 175...which hadn't happened in YEARS...then it went back over it and I am sitting (not pretty) at 179.  At least it's below 180!  I don't know why but my body LOVES being between 175-180.  I don't, but my body has a mind of its own I guess.  I know I can get it to go down, I just have to get my lazy arse to the gym more often.  I have discovered hot yoga and I really enjoy it, but I hardly ever actually go.  I usually use maddie as an excuse, but she is gone for 2 weeks!  SO.....it's pretty much just cause I'm lazy! Awesome!  Last month I worked a bunch of overtime so by the time I made it home from work WOW classes were over as were yoga.  I haven't joined a gym because I have been debating some pretty sizable life decisions recently that may or may not involve lots of money so I didn't want to waste money on a gym.  I think I may have, at least for the time being, decided against the pricey option however so a gym may be in my future.  I know now many people read this but if you do and you are just DYING to know what I am talking about just ask! You probably already know though!  I think all 2 of you who read this are clued in! Anyway..... I must have gotten out of the whole blog mood cause you would think I would just be overflowing with stuff to write about but I just can't think of a dang interesting thing! Booo!!  Job is good, kid is adorable, I'm in between a 10 and a 12, um that's it!  Wow my life is dull!  I'm about to start my stupid C25K thing again, I was dropping pounds fast with that and I loved it so I need to be a runner again! Maybe now that I am considerably less chunky it wont be so hard on my knees! or maybe it will still suck ass. Who knows, gotta try to find out! Love you all!  I'll try to post more often and maybe the inspirational worth reading thoughts will start flowing back! In the mean time....I really want some frozen yogurt. Boo.

bye bye weight watchers

I'm sad!  But I feel like I learned everything I needed to during my few months of subscribing.  Plus it will save me like $20 a month.  I guess since I haven't been able to get on I just decided I didn't need it.  When I was subscribed I spent at least 5 hours a day working on WW stuff and I just don't have that kind of time for it anymore anyway.  So my decision is justified but kinda sucks cause it really works. Well maybe when things settle down and I have more control over my funds I can rejoin. Who   knows.  I'm bummed.

mmmmm falafel

or however you spell it.  Lunch was vegetarian today and every last bite was wonderful!  Then I messed up an had baklava. Well I can't say I messed up anymore  cause I consciously made the decision tobuy it and savor every last sticky sweet honey drenched bite. WORTH IT.  My willpower for the week has gone out the window! No more excuses, just tasty and I wanted it.  At least it's never served in large portions!

My AH Ha moment of the day

It came early today....on the 3rd time I hit the snooze.  As I layed there pushing the button again, I thought to myself...why am I doing this? I hardly ever push the snooze button at home.  I never feel this tired and sluggish and just overall crappy at home. What in the world is wrong? I should be refreshed!  Then it hit me...duh you dumb butt....you've eaten like you used to this week and have missed a workout!  DUH! You put crap in you get crap out!  Anyway, it's so simple, I just forgot what it felt like to be unhealthy.  Now I remember and today is going to be better! Breakfast was a bowl of grapes, a hard boiled egg and some coffee.  I am going to eat some yogurt in a little bit for my dairy and may grab a piece of toast on my way out the door. I pray that I can keep this obvious realization in my head today as I make my lunch decisions!

What I have learned about myself

I have no willpower. Yup. That's it.  Well....not under these circumstances at least!  I mean when given the choice of whatever I want to eat, restaurant wise at least, I apparently can't stick with the good (healthy) stuff when I am alone!  Well, today was a bust! My good intentions and attempt at talking myself up failed! I ended up ordering a steak (I ate probably 5 oz) grilled shrimp (2 oz) and brocolli. Which is all great..but instead of ordering another healthy side I went with loaded mashed potatoes!  Grrr!!  But oh so yummy! I bet they weren't as bad as some of the other choices though.  The topping wasn't the problem, less than an ounce of cheese and maybe the equivalent of 1/2 slice of bacon but I don't even want to know how much butter and cream was used in making them! I didn't think about it as I ate every last yummy loaded bite though and so I wont make any excuses. I failed today! Tomorrow is a new day. haha.  Heck, next week is a new week, even if I end up doing a repeat of today the next 2 days it's not gonna make me gain nearly 40 pounds back! So what. I'll just live a litle this week I guess. I don't think I am doing as bad as I would have in the past that's for sure.  I am still making conscious choices to be healthier than I would have.  I never would have ordered broccoli before that is for sure.  And I would have eaten the whole steak! I probably would have ordered something with lots of melted cheese and some heavy sauce too.  I have definitely learned how to make healthier choices...it's portion control that is killing me this week!!!  I should have brought my food scale! I should have brought my weight scale too....weighing myself at the end of a day of overindulgence usually puts me back on track. Well.....is it bad that I really want ice cream. Crap.

Gotta come clean

Today was NOT good!  I overslept cause I took some medicine last night that knocked me out, so no morning workout or time to really eat anything decent.  I had about a cup of honeydew melon and coffee but the hotel breakfast had these cute little breakfast burritos and since I had to eat and run I grabbed one.  It wasn't too harmful, just eggs and a tiny bit of sausage really, but I know it was a bad choice. It was either eat that or go hungry and I don't do hungry very well!  Well the day didn't get much better.  I was still tired at lunch (I hate cold medicine, it makes me feel drowsy for days) and being tired and having a crappy breakfast just puts me in a quitter state of mind.  SO for lunch I went to Mexico Chiquito and ordered what was probably the healthiest thing on their menu- two crunchy beef tacos with no cheese.  After lots of research I know for a fact that is usually the most harmless menu item at fast food mexican joints so I don't feel too bad about it, but I know it wasn't healthy either.  It came with enough chips for 4 people and I ate probably enough for 2 before throwing the bag away. I should have taken out a portion first and thrown the rest awat before eating it.  I just ate the salsa that came with it.  I did try the cheesedip, but was smart and threw it out before I could eat more cause it was good!  Anyway, as soon as I got back to my hotel room I ate some fresh fruit because my body really does crave it now and I also ate a serving of whole wheat crackers with some low fat cheese spread.  I feel better now that I put good stuff in my body.  I haven't decided on dinner yet, but I'm thinking salmon with rice and veggies sounds really good!  I am tempted to revert back to my old ways....I was bad all day so why not be bad tonight? But then I remind myself, those are my OLD ways....I am a NEW me and the NEW healthier, smarter, HOTTER me knows that 2 bad meals does not open the door for one more bad meal.  If anything, it closes it, locks the door, throws away the key and then bricks over the dang door so you can't ever open it again!  So tonight I will be good, or try my very hardest.  Being sick really does wonders on my motivation.  I feel like I am already suffering, why not medicate with food.  again with the old self trying to break free.  I really don't know if I will make it to the gym today though, that is one thing I will allow myself when I am truly sick. Which I think I really am.  I have a fever and a red rough patchy looking throat. Wonderful. Oh and I drowning in mucus. Yuck. Maybe just a long soak in the hot tub and if I feel up to it a quick swim. Depends on how many people are there, I don't want to swim with people wile I am sick. I am guessing they wouldn't appreciate it either.  Ok, that's my confession for the day. I was bad, but not terrible. There is still the potential for terrible. I will repost after dinner. And I will be honest I promise!

International food day apparently

I said boo on Marketplace for dinner and went with some yummy vietnamese cuisine!  Spring rolls and pho! I'm not sure if there was a drop of fat in the whole meal!  Except of course for the amazing peanut sauce for the spring rolls, but I had maybe a tsp of that so it couldn't have been much! Down side, it's been about 3 hours and I am hungry again! These were amazing spring rolls though and some of the best pho I've ever had!  I guess I've never had authentic before so when they gave me a big box full of all kinds of goodies to mix in with my seasoned broth I felt like Iwas really splurging even though all the mix ins were veggies mostly!  I used all the rice noodles and all the meat too though, but ended up only eating about half the soup so I don't even know how to count my calories/points tonight.  It's ok though, It's vacation! haha!  I just took some night time cold meds so I am about to pass out.  Time to go to bed and then wake up and hit the gym!  Why do people look at hotel gym users like they are crazy??  I swear I got 5 double takes in the gym this morning!  MAybe cause I'm hot. HA!  I guess most people just don't use them, I love it though, all to myself! Tomorrow I will see if I can get the tv working first and maybe turn the air down so I can work harder!  Oh....I went jean shopping tonight and got a size 10 to fit!!!   WOOHOO!!  I mean, not like fit to where I would actually wear them out, but about 10 pounds more and I will buy them and wear them!  HECK YEAH!  So I have now been from a 18 (20 if I was being honest with myself) to 12 (10 when I am determined) in 5 months!  I rock!

Vacation Business Trip day one (partial)

I should probably wait until the end of the day to post, but what the heck!  I was good this morning! Started my day with a small bowl of mixed fruit then spent 30 minutes on the eliptical, which sucked.  I usually like it but the dang fitness room was about 80 degrees and the tv didn't work. I forgot my ipod so I had nothing to keep my mind preoccupied so the minutes DRAGGED!  I did it though and the extra high temp made me sweat even more!  Then I went to my room showered, got dressed blah blah then ate breakfast. I ahd one hard boiled egg and a bowl of honey but cheerios with about 1/2 cup 2% milk cause they didn't have skim.  For a snack I had a banana. Then lunch almost killed me like I thought! We have an hour but I didn't know if we would or not or what was close so I didn't really plan anything. I ended up going to a greek grill type place and ordered some hummus with warm pita and a gyro.  I should have just ordered the hummus!!  Both were equally delicious and equally HUGE portions!  I ate half of the hummus and half og the gyro but I know that was still more than an actual serving size!  I didn't get anything fried though and that is good as far as I am concerned!  When I got with training at 3 I ate the rest of the hummus cause my tummy was rumbling for it!  The gyro is sitting in my mini fridge and I am trying to decide if I want it for dinner or I want to get something else...since it's paid for and all.  :)  Anyway, not I am about to head off to the little mall thing they have here and get some new jeans (NONE of my old jeans fit me anymore, even pre preggered jeans are too big) I have dinner planned.  I'm thinking Marketplace cause they have this raspberry grilled chicken stuff that looks good and pretty healthy and I will order it with grilled veggies and fresh fruit. Their bread may be the death of me...all that BUTTER!  But I am ordering it to go so maybe I will just skip the bread altogether....at least the butter.  Then I plan on swimming tonight and finishing this mornings workout by using the weight machine for my upper body workout. This mornings was cut short by my almost fainting from dang heat!  It doesn't help that I am coughing up both my lungs this week. Stupid allergies/sinus infection/ whatever is wrong with me!  I knew as soon as I entered the world of the employeed people and daycares I would get sick again!  Anyway, off to shop!  Then back to my room to meal plan for the next 2 weeks! Can't let the whole too poor to afford internet thang stop me anymore!

What a week this will be!

I know it's been over 2 weeks since I posted and here I am with a post about how hard this week will be!!  Blah!  I've been busy, and have had no internet!  So sad!  I've been good though, down a few more pounds and enjoying my new job!  This week I am in conway on a "business" trip and will be eating out every meal so this may get interesting! I have never been one to turn down free meals at restaurants and since the great state of AR is paying for me in to indulge this week I am oing to be tempted!!  I have a plan though, look up all the restaurants in town that have an online menu and make my meal plan accordingly!  I know I will stray at time, but the hotel has a gym and a heated pool so I can just work my butt off in there if I eat too much! I will post nightly I am sure this week, I am alone and will get off work at like 4 so what else will I have to do?? Nothing!  I LOVE IT!  I miss maddie, but mommy needed this! Yeah, I talk about myself in the third mommy person now. Sad really.  Anyway, I am going to get off of here and start on my meal plan for the next 5 days! Wish me luck! Good to be back by the way!

Why must chocolate BE SO GOOD??

And WHY do I have an unearthly strong desire to EAT EVERY BIT of it in sight when I am pms'ing?  GRRRRRRR.  Anywya, I will share my embarrassing binge because I foun it kinda funny.  Not that I was devouring chocolate, but that whileI was devouring it I was counting points....a conscious unconcious eating moment! Fun times! Anyway, I told myself that I would eat much yesterday cause today is maddie's birthday party and I know I will eat a cupcake and probably a hotdog and chips, yu know typical 2 year old birthday crap. So I did really good up until I started stuffing favor bags.  My dumb went and bought candy for them, and not just regular suckers and gummy candy, noooooo...I HAD to buy my most favorite candy in the world...kit kats! And of course I couldn't just buy regular kit kats, I HAD to go and get a mix bag with regular, white and DARK CHOCOLATE kit kats! Kill me now! I could live on those things, and since they are dark chocolate I like to tell myself they are healthy! Anyway long store short, my lack of eating throughout the day backfired and while stuffing the bags I think I ate about 10 of the fun size dark chocolate kit kats.   :(   but SO good!  Well I didn't stop there, because as mentioned in my previous post chocolate is a trigger food for me.  Whn I start eating it, it opens the flood gates and yesterday was a text book example.  I started with the kits kats, then found a chocolate easter basker cake hidden in a little treat jar (they come in packs of two but thankfully this one was only half there,, or else I would have eaten both). Well that was it.  But  Istill felt awful!  I let itruin my whole day like I said I didn't anymore.  I ended up eating two portions of what I had planned for dinner, which added like 400 calories/ 7 points and then while I was waiting on laundry to finish at 11 last night I ate hummus and pita chips. Man!  that's how I used to eat every day! No wonder I'm a chunk!  Anywya, I can type this and spill my guts about it now cause that's not the norm for me all anymore. the fact that I was so aware of it and can remember everything I ate tells me I am changing, in the past when I would go on a binge, I couldn't tell you 5 minutes later what all I ate.  So even though I was bad yesterday I am proud of myself in a way! Yay me!

Today I am having maddie's party and will stick to the fruit and veggies trays and just one cupcake.  I have it all entered into my plan but will still probably go over. I am packing up the rest of my stuff after the party and heading back to good ol fayetteville so I wont have time to sit down and eat any actual meals today. Then tomorrow, being mothers day and all...well my plan is just to go shopping! I am seriously a freak for New York and Company and I haev $105 in City Cash PLUS everything in the store is 40% off!!! Since I have a new job and a new-ish body to buy for...how can I resist! Shopping will keep me from eating!

I will be returning to WOW fitness classes for my workouts. For those who don't know what this is, it's an AMAZING program for women at Trinity Assembly of God in Fayetteville...FREE workout classes! And they are amazing! These ladies really get with it, no sissy workuts there! I will also be going to Bikram once a week and trying to go for walks/runs/jogs on weekends, but I'm not sure how maddie will like that since she doesn't care for her stroller!  I may join a gym if I see that I need more, but that can wait a bit!  I will try to keep everything else the same as far as the eating plan goes, but being in a new place and having to buy my own groceries (yeah...that was the nice part about living with my parents) may put a slight damper on that!  Anyway, ready to start my new job and get back to my normal life!

Now time to go get ready for this party!!

Great tips!

I am not taking credit for this cause it's from a weight loss letter I subsribe to, but I couldn't agree with what it says anymore and these tips or whatever you call them are exactly my mindset I have now that has realy helped me a lot!! After each tip I have written how it applies to me and my journey though!

1. Don't drink your calories. There's nothing sadder than realizing you just consumed hundreds of calories by sipping a sweet drink... and you're still hungry! For the most part, I look for drinks with no more than 50 calories per cup, and I always check the labels carefully for the total servings per bottle. - I gave up my much loved coffee drinks! I 've never really drank anything but water, no cokes or tea or anything but coffee drinks were a big weakness! I also gave up alcohol.  Although that's mostly because I don't have the time or the money to drink, and I will NOT say no to a drink every now and then if I really feel like it!

2. The 80/20 rule. I live by it. It means that 80 percent of the time, I eat what I know I should be eating. And 20 percent of the time, I allow myself to stray a bit. It's important to indulge every once in a while... like, maybe, 20 percent of the time!  I will usually eat whatever I want at least 1 meal a week.  Although there have been weeks when I didn't at all and there have been weeks when I ate more like 80/20 bad being the 80!


3. Don't turn a bad meal into a bad week. So you made a poor food choice. You're human. Don't give up and throw in the towel just because you overate. Jump right back into things at your next meal. No biggie. Truly.  This one was the hard for me for years.  I would do so good on a new diet/lifestyle plan for weeks...then I would come upon a holiday or party or something where I felt I couldn't control my eating and I would go crazy and then feel like a total failure and make myself feel better by eating more and more and more...and well you know the outcome! I felt like all the work I had done was useless and that I might as wel give up. I have this one under control now though!  When I find myself eating poorly, or missing a day at the gym I don't beat myself up. I stay positive and remind myself that it wasn't one or two days of poor decisions that got me in this shape so it's going to take more than one or two days of bad decisions to undo all the work I have done already. Reminding myself that this is not a diet, it is a new way of life really helps.  I have the rest of my life to get to where I want to be!


4. Identify and avoid your trigger foods. These are the foods you can't be trusted around -- the ones where "just a few" turns into WAY too much; the foods that seem to make you hungrier and hungrier. Don't keep these foods in the house. They're too tempting and not worth the trouble... CHOCOLATE! Nuff said.


5. Don't make excuses -- it's all about being prepared. The Boy Scouts know what they're talking about! If you know you're going out to dinner, check out the menu online so you can plan ahead and make smart choices. And always keep emergency snacks handy -- in your purse, car, desk drawer... wherever you might need them. Then you won't need to make excuses.   I have recently had to travel back and forth between rsvl and fayetteville and each time I have brought snacks and all my meals if I would have to be there overnight. Or if I didn't bring my meals I would look at the menu for different restaurants in town and figure out what I could eat.  I used to be terrible about eating fast food when I was traveling cause I thought I didn't have a choice. Now I know, I do. It's up to me.  I have to be in control and prepared and no one else is going to help me. Even the "healthy" choices at fast food places usually don't fit into my plan so why waste money buying them  only to be hungry later in the day when you cant eat anything else casue yuo overloaded on points/calories then? Not worth it!

179 and other news!

I was 179 this morning! Oh...and I got a job!  I can FINALLY move back to Fayetteville! Woohoo!!!  I have to be up there today for some paperwork and stuff, and Maddie has to come with me.  Then I have to find her a daycare and get her a doctors appointment so she can go to the daycare. Then I have to cancel my gum membership here  :( and get a new one in Fayetteville  :)  So...my diet may suck today.  I am going to keep healthy snacks with me all day, but with all the going I have to do I doubt I will cook what I had planned for dinner. Especialyl since I will be in fayetteville and not here, where the food is. It's frustrating, I had it so perfect and then life happens! Oh well, can't complain! anyway, I gotta get running. I will post more later! Yay!

Why does my body like 180 so much??

This ALWAYS happens to me!!  As long ago as I remember my body has ALWAYS gotten stuck at 180! It is enxt to impossible to get below it!  I don't know what to do!  No matter what I try i don't get below it! I mean maybe a pound or two, but it goes right back to 180! I think my lowest weight (pre high school) has been about 172-175. While I was quite happy there, I still wanted to lose more, but it never happened. It just goes right back up, stays at 180 for so long that I forget and then end up right back at 200. Grrrr.  Anyway, I started a new program Called Temple Builders which is this amazing lifestyle program developed by an amazing woman and I love it and am hoping it helps! I am still doing weight watchers, but her program is like a supplement and a sorta a spiritual guide for me.  I will write more about it later, but it's just healthy eating and working out more or less what I am already doing, but with a spiritual element built in. I did it before and actually was successfull for a while, till I flunked the bar and got depressed and decided food would be better than actually trying and studying again...great decision.   Anyway, I weighed myself this morning and I am...surprise 180...but that is better than the 184 I was at after Easter Weekend killed me. So I did meet my 180 goal (a few days late)!  I already got my reward haircut though, so no great reward for me now. Oh well.  Will just make the reqard at 170 that much better!  I am not sure I can get there in 5 weeks, unless I figure out something drastically different to do with my eating and workout routine.  Which I have to change, I have got to do more cardio. I am terrified to start running again, but I will try, and some step classes or something to challenge myself.  I look like I've lost more weight this week, but we shall see when I weigh myself monday! I am not going to so a cheat day this weekend, I may allow myself a few extra points, but not a whole weeks worth. Maybe that will help. Temple Builders starts monday- so now I will be counting calories as well as points. I've been curious to see how the two compare anyway Should be fun, lots of extra work, but interesting!

starting over

ok...so I have had some REALLY crappy days lately! I think the weather depressed me and made me eat. so anyway, I am starting over, brand new. from scratch. Yay me! I am going back to exactly what I did at the beginning. Breakfast- smoothie made with lots of fruit, spinach and 1/2 cup skim milk, egg whites with veggies, and a whole grain bread. Lunch- frozen meal with some fresh fruit, and a small healthy dinner. That worked at the beginning it should work again. I am also taking fiber pills again, I had gotten out of the habit and was always hungry, those help a lot. Also I switched back to a metabolism boosting one a day vitamin, again seems to be helping with my energy level. Something has to give. The whole no movement on the scale thing sucks. Here's a picture of breakfast! Egg white omelet with 1 slice turkey bacon, diced peppers and onions and 1/2 slice reduced fat cheese slice

That was harsh

I wasn't going to weigh myself today cause I knew it would be bad and I wasn't sure how I would handle it.  Well I did weigh myelf, and it was bad, but I think I handled it ok!  I gained 4 pounds over the weekend! Yikes!  I know that is not really how much I gained and that it will go away quickly, but still...it was so sad! I didn't freak out though! I was very careful with what I ate today and I went to the gym, no freak outs, no binges, no crying, etc...just kidna went oh that sucks, and got back on track. I didn't touch the mounds of easter candy still sitting around the house either, yay me! I did kinda cheat though, it was a day of nothing but convenience foods. Breakfast was a frozen english muffin turkey sausage and egg white sandwich, lunch was a healthy choice meal and dinner was a serving of steamfresh rice and veggies with some precooked grilled chicken cubes. So I know I probably had way too much sodium today and the scale wont move tomorrow even though I didnt have more than 20 points (I have 10 left to use if I want)

I didn't run at the gym, I was scared. Any my ipod was dead. I can not run without it. Maybe tomorrow, or wednesday.  I am just afraid I will try and my knees wil lkill me again. I guess I have to face my fear, but still. Yuck. Anyway, hopefully next week I will be back to my pre easter weight! ha

NOT looking forward t oweigh in tomorrow

I knew this weekend would be bad, but geez!  I lost all control!  I don't even have a clue how much I ate between saturday morning and the cadburry egg I ate about 3 minutes ago, butI am sure it is more points/calories that I am supposed to eat in an entire week. And I feel it too. I feel AWFUL!  No energy, nauseated, headache, crappy mood, the works.  My body is telling me to eat an apple but I keep reaching for maddie's easter basket!  I know what it is at this point....I have gone so overboard and I know I wont after tonight so I keep letting myself eat more and it's just not good, but I CAN NOT STOP!  This weekend was a painful reminder of how I used to eat on a daily basis. Or maybe a good reminder, maybe it's good to feel like this way to remind myself that I am not sacrificing when I chose grilled fish over a greasy hamburger. In the moment, sure I am, but I've learned there's more to it than that.  For me, my life works better with planning, and thinking about what I am doing, not living in the moment (when it comes to eating) and going with whatever makes me happy then.  I have a history of depression and trying to cover it with food, obviously it didn't help.  What has helped, and made me happier than usual in the past few months has been being good to myself! I know I've told a lot of people this, but I struggled with an eating disorder when I was a teenager. For years I would jsut eat what I want, then throw it all up. So even now, when I catch myself binging and out of control in the back of my mind there is still a tiny little voice telling me...go ahead, eat and don't stop, you can just go throw it up and start over and it's no big deal. And honestly, this weekend, I came REALLY close to doing just that.  Friday night something snapped. I could not stop eating.  I don't know what all I ate because I litterally had no control over it. Finally I calmed down and realized what I was doing and what I was planning on doing and stopped myself.  That set the tone for the whole weekend. It's ok, it's a new week, and even if I gained a few pounds, after a few days of being back on track the damage will be mostly reversed and I should be fine! In the past this weekend would have ended the whole process...GLAD to be over that! It's so nice to know I can do this from time to time and not let it derail me.

Ok enough of that.  I need to go the store and just buy some easy fresh healthy stuff for this week that doesn't take much prep time, I am losing steam when it comes to preparing meals every night. Not sure why...I love cooking and makig new stuff, but I guess I am just getting burnt out. Who knows.

Anyway, I am also going to try to start running again this week, my knees aren't really hurting anymore, so maybe they will be ok. I will probably start back on week 3 or so though and work my way back up one day at a a time.  I am also really needing to step up my cardio routine (besides assing running back in) I need to force my butt to go to a step class or cardio combat class or soemthing.  I am terrified of those classes so avoid them and take the easy way out by going to yoga or pilates (that I LOVE) but I know I would benefit so much from a really good hard cardio class! 2 weeks till Maddie's birthday and I need to be a hot mama! :) Still trying to talk myself into a 5 am class....still throwing my phone at the wall everytime it goes off at 4:45 and going back to sleep.  Maybe one day

I am so tired!

I don't know what the deal is lately, but I have zero energy. Maybe it's the weather?  I have to force myself to go to the gym and eat anything cause I am just too tired to do anything. Blah! I always feel better onceI go workout, even though my workouts are only half hearted lately.  I am ready to try running again, it's the only cardio workout that really makes me feel like I amdoing something. I like the eliptical but I just don't feel like I am doing enough! I've always been anemic so I am guessing that has something to do with how tired I am too...guess I need iron supplements or more spinach or something! I am going back to making green monster smoothies for breakfast, I had one today and my energy seems ot be a little higher thanit has been. We'll see! I am busy planning Maddie's birthday party for the next few weeks so these posts will probably be few and far between! I am too excited about it, and I am trying to figure out some good party foods that I can eat and not feel too guilty about.  I fully plan on enjoying cake and ice cream at my own daughter's birthday party, but beyond that, I need party snack ideas! Besides the usual fruit and veggie trays. With easter this weekend and maddie's party coming up, I am gonna have some tough and tempting weekends...I need help!! Eeek! 

I cheated!

I stepped on the scale this morning and it said 179! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Now...I am aware that that isn't accurate cause you can't lose 2 pounds (really) overnight, but still, to see the scale UNDER 180 for the first time in like 3 years...what a way to start the day!

I think I may change my weigh in day to monday. Sundays aren't good casue they come right after saturday, which comes right after friday. Those are the days I seem to want to be the worst.  Sunday is my cheat day, but I think I am gonna change that. The temptation isn't as strong on sunday so I kinda force myself to cheat, whereas on friday or saturday I always feel deprived cause I wont cheat. Makes sense to me. Monday is my new day! Woo hoo!

new measurements

Since the scale isn't being very nice to me, I measured my bust and waist and all that to remind myself that I am lose (Thanks Beth!) and was happy with the results! Here they are!

Bust (Starting at 44 in) now : 41
Waist (starting at 39) now: 36
Hips (starting at 45) now: 42
Arms ( starting at 14) now 12.5
Thighs (starting at 25) now 24

I also have to remind myself that even though I started this blog at 200 pounds, I was 210 pounds at the beginning of the year. So I have lost close to 30 overall! Sometimes I forget that I was that heavy!

I am starting to miss my twins, they are getting too small. Poor girls :(

Gonna try a fresh start

So the last few days of eating were not good...REALLY not good! I pretty much reverted to my old habits almost all day yesterday! And the thing that set it off? A cadburry egg! I saw one and thought I had to have it! So I did and it was tasty! But the day went downhill after that! I ended up snacking the rest of the day, on whatever was in front of me! I think I had about 10 pringles, a few handfuls of jelly beans, a reeses cup and some teddy grahams. Then for dinner we had steaks with roasted asparagus and baked potato. Which is healthy if you eat the right proportion! I think I had about 10 ounces of steak! Sure was good though! After dinner I still couldn't stop eating so I ate a big slice of key lime pie! Goodness! No wonder I am so huge! That is how I used to eat on a daily basis! I mean the day before the Egg was great! mini bagel with cream cheese and smoked salmon for breakfast and some rice with veggies and grilled chicken for lunch and a few pieces of fruit. That dang egg made me feel like I could just eat whatever cause I had already messed up! I looked up the points value on the egg...it was only 4! It could have easily fit in my plan! Grrr! Oh well, now I know!

So anyway, I am kinda tired of just losing 1 pound a week so I think I am gonna try something new. I am going to eat like I did in my first couple of weeks the program this week. I am going to look at my old menus, especially for the week I lost 3 pounds and try to follow that more closely. Also, my workouts need to be stepped up a notch or two! Which is gonna be hard cause I still don't think my knees are good enough to run on again and I don't want to risk really messing them up by running on them now. So this week I will be making the eliptical my new best friend for my cardio workouts, upping the weight amount on my weight training and still going to my much loved yoga and pilates classes! I am hoping to make it to one am cycling class, but that is still a pretty grand ambition...mornings are not my friend now that maddie finally lets me sleep!

I think I may make it to my goal weight of 180 this weekend too! Just as planned!  That's IF I can push myself hard this week cause I need to lose 2 pounds not just 1!!!! I am so excited to be so close to seeing that scale in the 170's again! It will be the first time since I went through my divorce years ago! nothing like a good divorce to make a gal lose weight! I think when I met John I weighed like 173 or something. Now I know that's not skinny, but for me, I felt great at that weight! I had confidence, felt sexy, had fun...all the stuff I just don't feel anymore!

Oh. the picture is my breakfast~ It was yummy! 1 whole wheat english muffine that I split with Maddie, fresh strawberries and blackberries, and an omelet made with egg whites, spinach, tomato, turkey bacon and reduced fat cheese. So good! And this is the breakfast that I used to eat daily when I was losing more weight! Maybe that's the trick?Who knows! I 'll figure it out! Now off to the gym! Woohoo!

What a day

Today was entirely too much for me.  This whole damn roller coaster that I can't seem to get off of is driving me insane.  The day started good, haircut, finally got down to my pre pregnancy weight, took decent pictures, maddie went to daycare and didn't scream when I dropped her off, I felt confident going into my interview...then the damn interview hit.  I don't know what's wrong with me anymore. I used to do se well in interviews. I used to have so much confidence and I just went in knowing I had the job and no one was better than me and I nailed the interviews and got the jobs. Now...not so much. I am a big ball of nerves who just sits there and shakes and stutters and can't answer the simplest questions and just laughs and giggles andsmiles like a big dumb ditz. I am kinda thinking it has to do with the amount of interviews I have had lately. I am just worn out.  I amhaving a hard time processing all the no's and I am letting it get to me. Instead of trying to stay positive and see these as practice opportunities I am thinking of them as missed chances. Which I know they aren't becasue when the right job comes along then I will get the job. But when you are putting yourself out there daily practically and never getting any positive feedback, it gets to you. It would bother anyone, I don't care how confident you are.  Anyway, after my failed intervew I thought I would go to the gym because if I can't control my nerves, I can control my weight. Wrong. I get there, and the first part of my run goes great.  I ran 7 minutes, didn't get out of breath a bit, wasn't hurting, had a nice stride going, I felt great. Then my leg started to cramp to I slowed down for a minute..maybe like 45 seconds to stretch it out and when I started running again it all went downhill.  I heard a sickening popping cracking sound in both of my knees at the same time and collapsed on the dang treadmill and fell off practically sobbing in agony. I don't know what the hell I did.  So I figured I would just finish my workout on the eliptical cause my knees were done but I couldn't even do that without crying out in pain. So I just went to the weight machines and did about 30 minutes there thenwent home feeling like a failure. It didn't stop there, oh no, I wanted to end this wonderful day with a bang.  I got home, and had a glass of wine...not just a small glass, one of the big balloon goblets, filled to the top with white wine, not even red so no heart benefits. Well I learned my lesson there, apparently with any alcohol all my will power goes to shit. I thought I would still eat a healthy dinner, and I did, a baked potato with a few ounces of lean brisket and 1 oz of low fat cheese. Then I had a cookie. Then that cookie turned to 4 and what good are cookies without a big glass of ice cold milk? Well, that's how my day ended.  Failure all around.  I am sure the fact that I didn't eat during the day because I was nervous didn't help my night time binge. It's ok though. Thankfully I don't have any interviews planned right now, and tomorrow is pilates.  I will eat a healthy breakfast, stay off of the scale in the morning and tomorrow will be good. Until the next obstacle appears. Then I just don't know what I will do. Somedays I handle them wonderfully, others, like today, I fail. I guess that's life. I just have to get back up and keep going no matter what set backs occur.  I thank God every minute of every day for Maddie...times like these, when everything seems just so pointless and like I have no control over anything and start to wonder why I bother trying, she looks at me and grins or reaches for my face for a kiss and suddenly I know why.